Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
3 Responses Dec 16, 2012

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Just remember Rose that we are here in this lifetime to experience it. It may not be the way we would like it but some day it will end. As long as you wait for natural causes to take their course you will get to go back home to the Other Side where you will be the woman your spirit is. Until then we can also pray and meditate for Peace on Gaia so that "the event" can take place sooner. Once that happens and we become 5th dimensional I believe that we will be able to create the bodies of our dreams. I know I can't wait to create a much more feminine body for myself.

Thank you for sharing your story!

I would just say it's never too late to make a change, if that's what you want. True, hormone replacement therapy won't make as much of a change as it would if you were younger, but it will still make a change. Surgery is always an option too. If you don't want to make those changes public, you don't have to. It can be your little secret!

As for relationships, an effective attitude to take is: Don't chase them, get them to chase you. See the difference?

If you chase them, it's because they have something you want, and you want to take it from them. If you get them to be attracted to you, it's because you're providing.

If you provide, people will respond positively. Provide conversation, humor, fun, etc. It's a giving attitude; I have this joy and I want to share it with you.

If you take, people will respond negatively. Please give me this date, give me a relationship, give me companionship, etc. It's a taking attitude: I want you, need you to help me.

See the difference in attitude? The best thing to do is improve yourself and make yourself into the kind of person they'll be attracted to.

Good luck!

:') Thank you for those words. Sorry it has been so long since you wrote this but there has been times EP has not given notice of things.