Affection And Intimacy Is Like A Forign Language For Me, Help!

I'm 29 and never had a girlfriend or went on a date. I learned about women from my mom and my sister, and they are far from feminine. My mom and sister actually hate being feminine, they would never wear a dress or have a desire to look pretty, which I find strange. I learned alot about women from TV, but I never learned how to interact or flirt with a woman and I think that has alot to do with my social anxiety and my family. My parents were very much friends, they never kissed or hugged each other. I found out later that my dad was afraid to show affection to my mom and even more afraid for us to find out. They did a great job, for about half of my childhood I thought they might divorce. Now, fast forward 20 years and find out that my sister has borderline personality disorder. I paid the dues, I've been chewed out, and under, and out again, threw water in my face, trashed my room, acted psychotic with knives, sometimes removes the locks from my bedroom, goes through my stuff. She also expects me to know when she is hungry or thirsty and if I forget I'll get chewed out. She wants to know a day in advance when and where I'm going so she can plan out her day, even though she can't drive and does nothing but complain about her pain and anxiety all day. She goes with me everywhere except work. She makes me feel awful on a daily basis, but I'm getting off track here. Where all this is leading is that I think all the years of watching my sister go nuts has scared me away from women. I don't know if it could be true, but I have evidence.

I did some handyman work for my psychiatrist's wife, she's about 35 and attractive. It was the fist time I was alone with a woman and it was a success. She was so easy to talk to and didn't get mad at me or anything, even when it took twice as long to fix something. I got in some good practice before my sister found out and didn't want me to see her again. My sister was worried about her coming on to me, which would never happen anyway, women just don't do that out of nowhere. I wish I could go there again, it's a rare opportunity to talk with a woman. It's weird, somehow she knew I didn't have a girlfriend and came out to car just as i was leaving and said "someday you'll make a woman very happy". Later on I found out what happened. That day my sister was calling me chewing me out and crying, his wife heard this and started acting different around me, she knew what was up with me that day and seen how nervous it made me. I know she's taken and I would never try to meddle in someones marriage, but I felt loved by her. It made me think "what the hell am I doing", why don't I just stay here and finish all the work. But I drove home, and received the worst chewing out of my life, from 4:00 to 11:00 that night because I was late coming home by an hour. I tried my best to get home in time driving 70mph on 45mph roads but it wasn't enough, I was in trouble. She was suicidal with a knife and I had to get home as soon as possible. She didn't kill herself or anything, but all the hundreds of times she's threatened to kill herself have really made me think I'm not helping her, and actually making her worse. I wondered that night, what if I stayed and didn't give into my sisters demands.

I decided to make a deadline to go on a date before I'm 30, which is like 5 months from now. I'm going to ask out any woman, and the first one to say yes will be treated to a nice dinner with me, how I usually am. Since I can't do the date thing, I'm not expecting a successful date. I'm not up on the date lingo and how to act, I can only act like myself, which is going to suck but I'm just doing it to say I dated. And I am curios what might happen, I have been dreaming of this for like 15 years. But knowing it will fail is what will help me. I don't want it to lead to something I can handle, and I certainly can't handle a real girlfriend, all that intimacy, deep down I want a woman. I want to cuddle with her, I want to pick her up and take her to the bedroom, or make mad love to her against a wall while whispering in her ear how much I love her, I want to hold hands with her in public for the world to see, I want to make her feel like she's the luckiest girl on the earth, I want surprise her with little gifts, I want to kiss her in public in front of alot of people and not care because that would prove how in love with her I am.


I might be better off not doing it at all, but now being almost 30 and all the problems, how can I make it any worse.

In Shakespeare "Tis better to have love then lost then to never have loved at all"