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Gosh I Long For Intimacy

My husband and I have been together almost 11 yrs he is 20 yrs my senior, I love him but as I type this we are in bed he asleep no kiss cuddle nothing just the words goodnight love you. I know it's rather personal but even during love making he concentrates on his own needs and desires only. I have never reached climax as he hardly ever touches me and when he does it's asif he can't be bothered. I make sure I caress him cuddle him, and he laps it up enjoying it immensely whilst I love to pleasure and spice things up and show him how much I luv him he turns over and goes to sleep. He tells me that all his desires are met with great intensity but I find it difficult to understand why he can be so selfish leaving me frustrated and a little hurt. I have never recieved ora! Off him ever and he can't even be bothered to try to pleasure me he said he knows I enjoy pleasing him and that makes him happy. But I feel used and asif he doesn't even care about my needs for love, intimacy, desire, fulfilment and just to actually feel the enjoyment of a soft sensual caressing touch bringing me to the hight of intimacy and pleasure
emmylou82 emmylou82 26-30, F 8 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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Could it be he simply does not know how to please you? Maybe suggest showing him what turns you on, that is what my wife did when we first got together 25 years ago. Might turn him on as well?

Uunfortunately not rgreener I have showed him many a time what I enjoy and it's not that he can't it's just that when (on occasion) I have showed a little enjoyment (regardless of the fact he pays no attention to caressing my body first) after literally a couple of minutes of him seeming totally bored he then stops and says it's my turn to pleasure him or he stops and guides me in the direction he would like me to pleasure him but thank you for your advice 10 + yrs is a long time for a lady in her 20's to try and show what she likes. Other than this obstacle our relationship is great :-)

Emmy....the fact that his first marriage ended due to his selfishness, shows that he is resistant to change.
It sounds as though you have tried the soft approach , which didn't work. If he is willing to go with you to talk about this with a third party, then maybe he will start to move in the right direction.
If he is not willing to do this for you, i think you have to try to fix this the hard way.
You need to put your foot down and tell your husband that you are not prepared to suffer this for 18 years , like his first wife, and that he needs to make a choice about whether you mean enough to him, to make more effort.
You will me more amd more upset about this issue the longer it goes on, don't put up with less than what you deserve. I wish you well. Take a stand.

HI happinesswins thank u for your understanding, I have shouted at him, I have done more for him, I have abstained, we have talked. I have been spontaneous, I have worked so hard, He won't speak to a third party as he says all is fine. I have needs just as he does and really need more than whats on offer he said I nagged him about this so I didn't mention it I have honestly tried every possible yet he still doesn't seem to get it. I want to experience love and affection that makes my heart race and makes me go weak at the knees but after 10 yrs I am just feeling angry and frustrated at his behavior

A passionate meaningful kiss would be nice too, but to be caressed would be amazing yet unfortunately these are just dreams

Oh Emmy...your dreams are now a nightmare.
He will not change.
Growing old together and having this problem is one thing, but with the age difference that you both have , he has grown too far away from you to make it worth this pain already.
He is indifferent to your needs and this is worse than if he was mad at you for something and simply witholding intimacy.
Don't let him have his way, tell him that you cannot continue like this .
His anger comes from guilt and this is typical.
I feel so sorry for you.
you can see someone one your own , even just to get your mind straight about what to do now.
Good luck.

HI happiness I fear you may be right, it is ashame that other than intimacy our relationship is great. I really thought that as time went on he would understand and start to meet my needs but I now think it is just a distant dream. he was the one that wanted marriage and it took alot of courage and was a hard descission to make as I will only marry once and had to mean the vows I took but this is difficult, I so want to be caressed and to feel love and passion. I know he loves me but his selfishness and laziness can't go on, I find myself waking from erotic dreams (not about him) and longing to feel what I imagine would be the beat feeling ever. I have cried after sex as I have been so frustrated and to be honest used for his own desires. I really don't know what else to do yet the whole situation of intimacy is a little soul destroying. I am so glad that you understand me thank you I will try yet again to talk this through with him and will let u know how it goes :-)

Emmy ... you have been on my mind all day , you deserve to experience a relationship / marriage that doesn't have to deal with any of this , yet.
I fear that we all face this, as we age, and live in long term relationships.At 44 , and having been married for nearly 20 years, together for 26, i have had the highs and lows, of a life well lived.This is what i mean when i say we grow old together. If we age at the same rate , and we truly love each other , we are more understanding , hopefully. I can't help but think, that your husband may have fooled his first wife, and then fooled you.This has nothing to do with you ,or her , it has everything to do with HIM ! He is selfish in every way , when it comes to meeting a partners needs.He may very well be a GOOD PROVIDER, but unless you were looking for a sugar daddy, this is not enough.
I know what you mean about erotic dreams. I have had these . But my husband and i have made the effort to work it out and find each other again.
I know what it's like from both sides , after having 2 kids and losing my libido.
Now things have turned around, and i have experienced it from the other side too. The difference is , my husband wanted to be with me, and we made it what it should be , for both our sakes.
When you said that you cry after sex with your husband it sounds like you feel as though it is not something real , but something he is doing to shut you up.
You have highlighted his faults , and he doesn't like it at all.
You cant keep doing the same dance with him , it will destroy you.
I hope that you can work this out. You can contact me any time .xxxx

2 More Responses

Redtailfree thank you for you comment and I have bought several books over the year's and we. Look and read them together. He really doesn't seem to be bothered he goes to the pages about women giving pleasure other than recieveing it I really am at a loss As I don't know what else to help him understand my need ;-)

A noch worse here.

Hi caffeineatedcat thank you for your comments we have spent so many hours talking and discussing our situation and my husband appears to understand and listen and I ask him to tell me if he would like me to do anythings differently also, he said he's happy with our sex life and then still nothing change, I guide his hands over my body to sort of show him I need to be touched yet when I let go to give him the control he stops he has told me before that he can't be bothered and that he can't concentrate on enjoying what I am doing if he is trying to please me. We get on great, have similar interests, have alot of fun and laughs. We work in every area of life I just don't understand his lack of desire to pleasure women. His first wife of 18 years left him for this reason and she found comfort and passion with another man. I wouldn't do that but it is difficult when he doesn't seem to care.

Stranglehold thank you very much :-)

tonight... I give you a kiss goonight... it will bring sweet dreams and fresh tomorrows

Emmykou, I can tell you its not the age, there are some who either don't know how to pleasure his lady orally. It takes who ever it is a lot of time to figure it out. As for not fullfilling your needs, he is way behnd the times., There are many ways to do that for you. Have you thought about getting a book titled the art of love making? Try sneaking it on his side of the bed and see whether he takes a look. I can't promise you that this will work.

I was on the opposite side of the spectrum, well even now. My gf can't understand why I enjoy giving oral, not to mention that its not easy to get alone time. We both work crazy hours durring the week. By the time the weekend rolls in we are either trying to catch up with stuff that couldn't do durring the week and she is tired. So for the past 4 weeks, there has been nothing, we do hug and kiss before we go to bed.

If you wish to talk more, please feel free to chat