Boyfriend Doesn'T Want Sex

First, my apologies if this sounds unkind. I've been living your life for many years now, and I want you to know what your future holds with this man if you continue this relationship.

There is nothing YOU can do to fix this relationship. He has to want to, and he's not really doing anything.

I was you, 22 years ago.

My then-boyfriend and now-husband had never had a girlfriend (he was 30). He had had sex a grand total of 3 times when we met.

He never wanted sex, either. Starting the first few weeks, he complained that I was "The horniest woman he'd ever met". He refused to kiss me in front of his shipmates when he returned to port after being gone for MONTHS. I was told "I have to WORK with these people!" He hated oral sex. His lost his erection constantly.

When we had sex, it was bad. It was like he was slogging his way through it so he could check a box and say a chore had been done. He refused to kiss me back. I thought it would get better. It didn't. I married him, anyway, and I am very, very unhappy.

I spent many years going to medical doctors with him. We saw therapists, too. Nothing helped all.

I don't know you, but your story sounds so similar to mine. I am going to suggest your BF has psychological issues which are most likely deep and unfixable.

What you have now? It's the best it's going to be. He will get more resentful, because he's being forced to do something he doesn't want to (have sex). You will grow resentful, because you are being denied.

I know it's hard to fathom that there are men out there who don't want sex, but there are.

I thought for years that I loved this man, and that he loved me. I finally figured out after 21 years that he's passive-aggressive. PA's are afraid of intimacy due to their upbringing. They also are very withholding, especially when it comes to true intimacy.

My husband would hold hands and snuggle all day long, but have sex with me? That was always an ordeal.

My advice is 1) don't think you can fix this; you can't 2) don't marry him no matter if he promises that it'll magically somehow get better with no effort on his part and 3) do NOT get pregnant.

Best of luck to you. There are countless guys out there who will give you what you need. He doesn't appear to be one of them, no matter how you feel about him now.

P.S. I would suggest you post this story in the sexless marriage forum. I'd also be curious to know if, when you try to talk to him about things he doesn't want to discuss, if he gets angry and sullen and refuses to speak to you.

That you so much for the response. I meant that I wasn't satisfied on that particular occasion. I am hopeful that it will work out, but am also keeping what you said in mind. I am young, and there is so much to explore. We haven't been dating only a year and a half and wonder what it will be like years down the road. Thanks again.

Hey there -

You sound like a lovely girl, and you're obviously very upset about your situation. The thing is...you're so young! You say this man is "the love of your life" - and yet you're already noticing a huge problem in the relationship. Trust me...when things like this happen early on, they don't get better - they just get worse.

Something you said was unclear, tho - you wrote "He got insecure one night when I made it clear to him that I wasn't completely satisfied." Did you mean you weren't satisfied sexually on that particular occasion - or were you speaking about your satisfaction with the relationship in general? If you were speaking honestly about your satisfaction that one particular day...and after that he pulled away from you...then you should definitely revisit it with him as soon as possible. Tell him you love him, tell him he satisfies you, tell him you want him, etc - men can be very insecure if they think their performance is being criticized! If that is the basis of the distance he put between you, you should be very optimistic that it can be repaired.

However...if he has simply pulled away from you sexually because of his own issues, then there is really nothing you can - or should - do. Sexual compatibility is incredibly important in a long term relationship (just visit the "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" group and you'll see what I mean) - and any guy who is going to be "the love of your life" needs to be someone with whom you are sexually compatible, as well as being compatible in all the other ways.

Your early 20's are the perfect time to find all of this out. Trust that there is someone out there who is a match for you in all the ways that are important to you - and don't be afraid to walk away when someone isn't a good fit. Life is too short - your future self will thank you for being brave enough to endure some short term pain in pursuit of a lifetime of happiness.

Good luck to you!