Its Not Always White Or Black...but A Few Shades Of Grey In Between

I could not help the shades of grey reference :)

I am a new member here. been reading these posts and stories, pretty much trying to get a feel for the lay of the land here...and getting a sense of what kind of folks and stories float here, as I stumbled upon here thanks to google...

looks to me like either people are in a sexless relationship or an adulterous one. I would presume there are atleast some people here who like me, fall in between the two. I am married, happy and for the most part rather blessed in more ways than one. Yes, there is something to be desired on the physical side, but I would not brand our marriage as sexless, even though recent events has caused it to be such.

But even with the physical activity, there is always a feeling of something being amiss...whether its actions or acts or positions or passions - you either know it or you dont get it.

But I often wonder if there are others like me who are happy and want to stay married...while having a certain alternative to have the physical desire or need fulfilled? The elusive FWB or "special friend" yes, but not is the way we have come to expect it - not a **** buddy or a wham bam thank you mam...on the contrary, someone who is on the other side of the equation, is on the same page, in the same situation, and has the same intent and motivation - to stay married, to continue to be emotionally and otherwise committed to your marriage and family, and yet, be in a mutually respectful, discreet if needed, and safe friendship...and I say friendship and not a relationship because not all of us desire a one night stand or sex...and thats where the shades of grey creep in...and I am hard pressed to believe that the only colors out there are black or white.

so are there any folks looking for grey out here...or is this a platform for the in/out black/white kind of crowd?
Irvineoc Irvineoc
31-35, M
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

How would your wife feel about your adultery? Maybe you should be honest about your selfish feelings?

Yes... I can certainly be difficult. It would be wonderful to find someone like you describe... but that person can be SO elusive to find. Another thing I discovered is this: When I met with her and we made love that day... It was INCREDIBLE and she freely desired and did everything that my wife is so uninterested in. She gave me a taste of wonderful fun... and I wanted more... but when I tried to coax my wife into trying some of those things... my wife turned her nose up at them. That left me in the situation of having experienced once... and wanting to experience again...

No... The only colors are NOT just black and white... there are MANY shades of grey. But the problem is this... at least from MY perspective: When you start exploring and meet someone... you don't always know what shade it will turn out to be. I speak from a bit of personal experience. Several years ago I was actively looking to find a woman who would be interested in a "FWB" sort of relationship. During that time period I actually met a few women... some just for coffee and conversation... and some for more. One day I met a woman for the first time... and we started talking about life. We ended up having some VERY similar life experiences... both losing a spouse to cancer... and we just had this really immediate emotional bond. A short while later we met for the day and had hours and hours of wonderful lovemaking together... a very special time. I found myself REALLY emotionally attached to her! But before too long she decided that she wanted to move on to seek someone who could be in a permanent full-time relationship with her... and I was CRUSHED! I just CRIED! I was SO attached to her... It was difficult to see her go and it took me a LONG time to get over it. It really showed me an unexpected risk of an affair... getting REALLY deeply emotionally attached. For me... that's a big risk. I don't think I could ever be in an NSA (no strings attached) sexual relationship... I would become too emotionally invested no matter how much I try to keep a bit of emotional distance. Maybe others are different... but for me I seem to just "dive in" totally. SO... a word of caution: While you might want to find a relationship that is just a "friendship" with sexual benefits... I think it will be easier than you think to find yourself slipping into a deeply emotional relationship. You will find that word "love" slipping off of your tongue sooner than you might expect with the right woman...

Thanks for sharing.
Yep. It can get complicated, esp when feelIngs and emotions come into the picture.

That's why finding someone on the same page is so important...easier said than some I am sure!


Talk of finding a needle in the haystack !