In Light

In light of the comments upon my previously story in this group - I felt I should write another. For most of the years leading up to the grand age of 21, I was blindly faithful both in people and in love. I'm serious, I was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you asked and believe just about anything you told me, regardless of whether it was a lie or not. I had these magnificent blinders on and I saw all people as wonderful new friends to get to know. Then one day the blinders got ripped off; I saw people for many of them were: liars, cheaters, thieves, abusers, manipulators. I'm not saying all people are bad, I've been lucky enough to find truly great friends amongst the masses. But with the blinders removed, the illusion of everyone being great and everyone being trustworthy until proven otherwise dissolved.

I discovered the darker side of human nature: wrath, pride, sloth, envy, gluttony, lust and greed. Suspicion joined the ranks of my once seemingly pure mental faculties. As you can imagine, it was easy to forget my once tender, humanitarian nature in my dealings with people. One could call it passive amnesia. I forgot everything and became a cold, raging, controlled and tightly wound dead man walking. 6 years of that amnesia before I could begin to remember my virtues, those mighty cardinal virtues that had allowed me to hold to a highly principled and moral course. Those virtues had been lost for so long yet they imprinted themselves on my heart and soul anew: faith, justice, prudence, fortitude, charity, hope and temperance. Fortunately I was not inclined in the scheme of things to completely blow principles like prudence and fortitude out of the water.

I mentioned in a previous story that I have always survived whether I intend to or not. But I had forgotten at the time, how to truly care for others and was largely indifferent. The death of my uncle on V-Day along with EP forced a change in all that, the ice cracked and I found myself allowing myself the luxury of having hope for the future. In the trenches of EP, I found myself fighting for justice on behalf of others in bad situations or unhealthy marriages/relationships. In a twist, my empathy returned and I once again found myself on the frontlines - caring for complete strangers and trying to help just because it was the right thing to do. The one thing that had radically changed though, despite regaining my memory of all this - I couldn't throw myself neck deep into relationships like I had before. I didn't have the heart or the soul for it and whenever I felt my heart or soul wanting to leap, I remember the agony I had originally endured over that very principle.

Maybe things would change if somehow I found a kindred spirit who was as emotionally reckless and mentally committed as I had been but every time I have felt like someone could be that person, has always turned out to be too good to be true.

deleted deleted
3 Responses Aug 16, 2009

So did you enjoy watching Se7en? Just kidding. I'll be totally honest with you, I read a lot of peoples stories on here and I like to sometimes reply if I have something to add. But to be honest, I'm not really sure what you're saying in your post. You trusted people, then you didn't, but now Again? But don't want to be in a relationship?

i was like that too.<br />
always holding the s-hity side of the stick.<br />
took years to draw the line.<br />
<br />
and boy am i glad i woke up?<br />
<br />
you may finally realise you had problems<br />
with boundaries.<br />
<br />
it was my big big problem

Hang in there, hugs.