Tick, Tock, Pain

God, do I feel this! I tried to have kids, but no luck. Now, I'm facing some major life issues that I'll get through, in time, but there's that bio-clock banging away in my heart. And I tear up when I see others with kids; I'm sure you know what I mean.

Yes I am... I have been married 5 years, and have wanted kids since before we were married. We tried for a while, and after it didn't happen we decided it wasn't time... Shortly after that, my husband lost his job and we were running out of savings. We had no where to live and had to move across the country to live with my mother in law. We have lived here almost 3 years... Married living with 2 teens and a mother in law in a small room with a mattress on the floor and a desk with a computer my husband built. My husband has had several crappy low paying jobs and finally decided to go to school to be a chef after I helped him realize his passion for cooking. So he's in school working part time and I'm working part time and selling stuff on etsy trying to start my own business. We are finally getting closer but it still feels so far away. It took me a long time to feel happy with my life and not be depressed about not being able to afford a baby or provide for one... Then.. My sister in law much younger than me got pregnant last year. It sent me back into the depression I slowly started to get better than my little sister (younger than my sister inlaw) got pregnant too!!! I fell again, it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them but it was hard for me. After both babies were born I got better again. Better than I ever was!! And I stayed that way, happy and moving forward, until this last Saturday... It was the day before my birthday, and we were at a family birthday party for another family member, I was having fun. My sister in law stepped in front of the tv "Ok everyone Kahlan has something she wants to tell you" She pulls off her one year olds shirt to reveal a onsie that says "I'm going to be a big sister" My smile sank faster than the titanic, my face fell, and my eyes started to water. I fought it as hard as I could, in a room full of people I fought it and tried to plaster a fake smile on my face. Everyone was congratulating her and not paying attention to me, but still I tried to hold it in and fought the tears. Suddenly I notice my husbands step dad (my sister inlaws dad) staring at me. He saw through my fake smile and I could see the concern on his face he continued to stare and I fought it harder. Finally I composed myself enough to look naturally happy and mustered up the courage to say "Congrats!" without my voice cracking. I put on a happy face the whole party. It's been killing me ever since. I haven't slept more than an hour a night since... Finally today I cried and I just can't stop! I know my day will come and I know I'm not in any place to have a child but it just hurts so badly to see my younger sister in law with a beautiful daughter and a sweet child in her belly... I know how you feel.