Trying To Figure It Out

Having been a student most of my life, I am happy that there is finally movement forward in my non-academic life and that I am finally engaged to be married. However, heading into my mid-thirties and just starting medical school where my career won't stabilize for six to ten years, I can't help but fixate on when am I going to ever have kids? I feel like I sacrificed my twenties to ensure that I could provide for a future family. Of course life happened and I couldn't focus entirely on school as I had to help out at home. Thus medical school plans were delayed until now. Now the track I am set on is either to attempt having children while in medical school or to wait until I am financially more stable but risk not being able to have them. It is unbelievably ironic and cruel that the whole reason I have pushed so hard to get this far was for the sake of my future family. Now it appears that if I choose to continue on this path that I will have to sacrifice having said future family. I know the "simple" and obvious solution is to have kids while in medical school, but is that fair? Is it fair to my future patients or to those kids I want so badly? Where would the money come from and what about health care expenses? Not to mention I'm in a developing country, what if they get sick? And what about my spouse? It takes away time and support that I can provide for him. I am trying to figure out how to grapple with this. I am so fortunate and blessed in my life and right now it is impossible to appreciate it because I feel so miserable and scared. There isn't anyone in my school who understands because they are so young. And for those not in similar circumstances, such as friends back home, I love them but they don't understand how challenging my life is at the moment just being in medical school in a foreign country and trying to plan a wedding.
DancerSam DancerSam
31-35, F
Jan 19, 2013