Living Back At Home

I have posted about feeling needed before and how my mum feels so needed its silly, and how that has had an effect on me.  I feel needed because of it -I feel like I have been conditioned to feel that way.  She has always based her feelings on other peoples feelings - well her happiness  anyway.  She cannot be happy unless her children are happy, although she doesnt realsise when they are happy as she worries about them being happy too much so she is always unhappy.  Well her love and attachment is too much sometimes.  I have recently moved back in with my parents for a while as I get things together before I embark on travelling.  I have been used to cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc etc for myself.  I have been able to play my music as loud as i like, eat what I want and when, sleep when I want, go out when i wan  - all without answering to anyone.  Now I have not done any of these to excess by any means - in fact I play my music at a very respectable volume, I buy foor within my budget, i go out far too little  - I come back home at a respectable hour and I dont use the tumble dryer unless i need to - all very boring and quite sensible!  However, being back at home I feel stifled - I am not able to go anywhere - even just to the town without explaining where I am going and when I will return - even when i dont know when it will be, or without bfeeling obliged to take them with me.  I am unable to cook for myself without using the wrong pan or hurting their feelings if i do not eat what they are having.  I am unable to watch the tv i would like as they are watching it, i am unable to do my own washing without asking even when using my own detergent.  I dont feel like a prisoner, but feel trapped, feeling like I resent the fact i am home.   I am unable to enjoy what I have missed for so long - being at home where i can spend time with my parents.  I find we dont talk as we should and I am unable to be who i am (whatever that may be).  I love my parents, but my mother can be too much.  I crave being able to just be me.  I am so grateful for them but seem to be trapped by them also.  Maybe I am going through  rebellious teenager stage now - I never did when i was a teenager - I do not know, but I do not want to hurt them, but feel trapped and do not know how to let them know that i need space - just a little, not much but a bit every now and then where I wont be asked anything and I am able to be me - or at least find out who that may be.  

 

kingofnothing kingofnothing
26-30, M
Feb 23, 2010