Why's It So Hard?

Up until last semester, my first one at college, I was a very strong Christian. I spoke with God daily, I listened to what He told me and was walking on the path he had set before. But my first semester at college, I feel away. Very few of my friends were active Christians, and so I didn't have anyone to challenge me and help me grow like I'd had all throughout my life up until this point. I still tried to go to church though. That wasn't the main reason I turned away from God though. Even though I'd promised God that I wouldn't date my first semester, about 5 weeks into school I had a boyfriend. And I'm still with him. But he's a catholic, and he had turned away from God in the past few years. I spent so much energy trying to show him God's love and how forgiving He was, and finally my boyfriend has started going to mass again and reading the Bible and his relationship with God is growing. However, over the past few months with this boyfriend, I have almost completely ignored what God has been saying to me. He tells me that I shouldn't be with my boyfriend, or should stop some things that I was doing. And I'd feel convicted at the time, but when I got back to where my boyfriend was, I'd push God out of my mind and the guilt out of my heart. By February, if not sooner, I had turned my boyfriend into an idol in my life. I had placed him as higher importance than God and valued my relationship with him over my relationship with God. I was willing to give up God to be with my boyfriend, but not vise-versa.

This past week I finally acknowledged all of this, and as scared as I was, rededicated myself to God. I thought though, that I could just put my boyfriend on the back-burner for now while I mended my relationship with God. My boyfriend is at Army basic training right now, so I miss him a lot and think about him alot. So I prayed that God would stop me from thinking about him so much and take away my temptation so that I could focus on Him. Over the past couple days since I rededicated myself, it seems that God has answered my prayers, but more than I wanted. I have rarely thought about  my boyfriend, and rarely miss him, in fact I often when I think of him, its with no real feeling at all. But that doesn't mean I've been able to focus on God. I've also noticed a few other cute guys. Its like now that I don't have my boyfriend on my mind, I have to fill it with another boy instead of filling it with God! This is absolutely NOT what I wanted! I never wanted to stop thinking about my boyfriend completely, I just wanted to think about God more. And now it just hurts so bad when I think about either of them. Why does it have to be so hard to make God the center of my life? Why?! :(

bkbarnes bkbarnes
18-21, F
Mar 1, 2010