Too Scared To Try And Get Him Back. Help!

It's been over a year. We were together for 6 months, but we always fought. We were SO unhappy, but for some reason we couldn't let each other go... He would break my heart constantly. It's as if he wasn't happy until I was in tears. He was the jealous type and would always accuse me of flirting or liking someone else when I never did. His possesiveness worried me and made me wonder why he was so scared I'd cheat on him. It made me wonder if the reason why he's so worried is because maybe he's the one who cheats on me. But how would he be able to when we were always with each other. If he did cheat, I never caught him, so I'm willing to believe he never did. His jealousy made me so scared, that I became the jealous type as well. But the thing is I believe we loved each other. Enough to be stupid enough to carve each others name into each others skin. His scar is much bigger than mine. But what can I do about it now right? Throughout are relationship I was the one to always break up with him because of the pain he'd put me threw. I couldn't take the crying, and the yelling, and just being so unhappy. The weird thing is that he'd always beg me back and chase me in tears. He never let me go. I never chased him at all, and that bugged him. Threw every bad time he clinged to me but I always left him. He would always do anything he could to get me back. I remember one time I broke up with him, and he walked around the town in tears in search for me. He found me at a Sonic and in front of everyone he cried begging me back. I took him back...  

This is the BAD part...

One day I went threw his phone and found that a girl was texting him telling him that they should pretend to act like they had sex to **** me off. And his reply to her was ha that would be funny. After reading that, I was crushed. We fought that night and the next day at school he went to my class and she was in there as well. She was flirting with him and he allowed it... That is one of the worst feelings in the world... I fought her and after that she stayed away from me and him. I'll forever regret doing so. I was just so mad, but it was never the right thing to do. As for him, he didn't care AT ALL. He just told me I must really care about him to do that, but in my head he did me wrong by flirting with her... We fought on the phone and he yelled at me saying "MAYBE WE DID HAVE SEX". I couldn't handle that. I left him. He moved away but regardless he drove 2 hrs down to do what he always has. He came to beg me back again. But the thing is, when we had seperated I did something shady. He would always put my self-esteem down and I felt like I was so ugly to him so I had sex with his brother trying to get my self-esteem back again. I know I was young and stupid... I will forever regret doing something like that to him... But I can't change that anymore... I told him about what I did and he still took me back. A few weeks later he tells me he had sex with a way older woman with 3 kids and again that tore me apart. I left him for the last time and had got a new boyfriend. He found out about it and told me by email that he was done going in circles for me and wasn't gonna beg me back anymore but he'd still forever love me. I played the part I didnt care and we then stopped keeping in contact. His mom had blocked me from calling his phone, but I found a way to txt him by picture messaging. One night I texted him crying and asked him to call me. He didn't know why I was crying but he said he'd call me when he could. He never did. Months after I texted him telling him I still love him and miss him. There's a possibility he never got the txt since his phone is blocked, but he never replied. That scares me  


Like I said now, it's been a year that we haven't been together and seen each other.  The problem is that I STILL love him! I'm not over him at all.  I feel like I won't be happy until I get my love back... I found out where he works and I want nothing more but to be with him again. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I'm thinking of going to his work, asking him what time he gets off and if it'd be okay with him to talk.

My fear is that he's over me. Or what if he has a girlfriend now? What if I make a fool of myself if I go? What if he hates me or simply could care less?  But, I don't wanna have the feeling of regret that it's too late. I don't wanna wait... but I just fear the worst... I'm so scared I just don't know how to do this....

christianheart christianheart
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 27, 2011

I know this is an old story so who knows where you are in your life now. But dont go back. History will repeat itself. I went through something similar with my ex wife, and it took me 17 years to figure out we weren't meant to be. Dont let that happen to you.