So Lonely Now...

 is time to admit to myself,I owe it to myself after all the heartache I have endured my adult life,I am single and so so lonely.I am damaged goods due to being the victim of sexual child abuse and have been unable to form a relationship.I have missed out on the miracle of being a father,something I have craved to be all my life.I adore children and would have made a fantastic father.At least I had the opportunity to be a doting uncle to my sisters three children,the joy they gave me watching them grow from infants to adults has been so precious,they still mean the world to me and I know they look back and remember all the wonderful times we have had together.
My spirit is at a very low ebb at the moment,I often ask "why me",why was I ******** of my right to have a happy domestic life,instead I have lived alone and threw myself into a career I never enjoyed.Now at almost 46 what have I to show for my existence,material things many however that means nothing without a partner to share my life with.I carry so much baggage,right now I feel like screaming however that will achieve nothing.
I would love to have a lady to share my days and nights with,to take long country walks,to talk with and confide however she would require more than I can give,I am fed of ***** footing around the issue,I have NO sexual desires for either sex,never have and never will due to that bloody abuse.
That is a relief to have said it openly and truthfully,there is nothing for me to be ashamed of,I have done no wrong.
I am so sorry to my friends on here who read this and I fully understand if you want nothing further to do with me,there is no need to make contact just delete me from your circle.
I am feeling low and sad and often ask myself what is the purpose of going on.
Anyone who reads this I invite to leave a comment,be truthful,I do not mind if it is hate mail or support,I just need feedback.
Best wishes as always
Garvan.
garvan garvan
51-55, M
9 Responses Jul 30, 2010

Thank you,this will always remain an open wound,in so many other ways I have turned things around to the positive however on this story..............no.

I feel you, I'm with you with tears

Timesoftrouble,thank you,I am so happy for you.<br />
<br />
Phatnhapi my so special friend,God Bless You,your friendship means so much to me.

timesoftrouble - what a beautiful story that is. A story of true human strength and spirit and most of all faith to take that great leap to find God in your own way and be blessed with a mate in the process. This gives fresh meaning to the phrase "let go and let God" work in His ways for you to help you and lead you to your heart's desire. <br />
<br />
The same for you Garvan - you have this within you. You are not damaged goods at all. You have lived through extremely difficult times and your strength and faith have brought you through. I believe there is a woman out there for you. Once you meet the woman for you, it may come that a sexual relationship will be part of your lives. Even if it never was, having a partner as you said to share life with is still a worthwhile life to live. I knew that you would have children in your family that you gave your love to. That is the person you are. Very giving and very loving. I am surprised that some EPer from England has not snatched you up already. Since she can get to know you here through your experiences and know your heart. How could one resist you? i do believe there is a relationship out there for you that will develop from friendship first. That is how all people should come together at first, as friends. Once you can be friends, you can be more. Never be sad please. Count your blessings every day and be happy for them every day. I am very thankful for precious friends like you in my life and you are always in my heart and in my prayers. God bless you and bring you more joy :) xox Love and hugs (((((((garvan)))))))) xoxoxoxox

Hello garvan, I can relate to your words very deeply because I have been there and our ages are not that distant. I had a life of nothing but ups and downs with a half century that never had happiness because I never had real love other than a 30 year marriage that was as a 30 year nightmare that just kept me into dreams rather than reality that was just not meant to be.<br />
<br />
In December of 2006 I just left America with absolutely nothing; no savings, no income and nothing material with but two purposes in life. I wanted a closer walk with God, and I wanted a woman to love and be loved by. So here I was as a man with absolutely nothing and I found what I was seeking here in the Philippines. My walk with God has become what the natural minds cannot understand as written in 1 Corinthians 2:14, and the woman that is now my wife has stayed with me through storms so rough that we have lived on just fish, breads and rice with often what we had being purchased in word of mouth credit. In the home we rented for 21/2 years when the heavy rains came so did major ceiling leaks; and one was in the tiny room we slept and sometimes the ceiling would get so wet that the light would come on even though the switch was off. We have also had a life of many big cockroaches, fire ant attacks, snakes, illnesses, hunger and just everything that hard and difficult. . . .But what God has given me is what I wanted and needed which was a genuine love from the heart for just who I am with no thoughts whatsoever of my past that is gone and shall never return.<br />
<br />
To find the kind of love that I have found is all around me here in this little town in Negros Oriental; and is filled with very kind and intelligent women that have not a materialistic bone in their bodies, but rather true hearts that will stand behind the man that they have come to love. . . .and its the kind of love this world needs because finances and lifestyles have absolutely nothing to do with it as we still struggle daily as we have been for years now ever since we first met in person on March 21, 2007.<br />
<br />
Your loneliness can be taken away through love that is very genuine and true by those who have never had anything rather than those who want and expect everything.<br />
<br />
Just a few friendly words from a distant friend of understanding.

Mourning breeze,you sound a wonderful person with a very kind heart.

you ARE a special soul to open your heart up as you have here. i have lived without sexual connections for almost 2 yrs now. before that.... huh.... i was abused when i was 14, brutality...so i relate.<br />
i am just not a pla<x>yer... maybe a flirt ..lol... but i just am not that interested in knowing others only in a sexual ways... which is fine by me. i enjoy knowing folks heart/souls, that is what turns me on! *smile*<br />
Blessings to you! Have a good day. take care

To Princess in waiting,honestly you have touched my heart with your loving caring nature,I am so proud to have your friendship and will keep it wrapped up in cotton wool to preserve this moment in time,I am not often so moved by emotion however what you have written means the world to me,thank you.

Oh honey, *crying* I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. This breaks my heart to read. There is absolutely NO reason for you to apologize to us or anyone. You've done nothing wrong. Your friends are here to support and help you through these very things. You are NOT damaged goods. The one that violated you is the damaged one! And I'm sure you've accomplished a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for. You're a wonderful man and a great friend. You were there for me when I was at my end and couldn't take anymore. I'm glad you were able to find some relief in sharing some of what you have here. You're still carrying around a lot of guilt all these years later. Guilt for something that was NOT your fault. Believe me hon, I know exactly how you feel. You've just described a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere! I'm thankful to be a part of your circle and life and happy that you're a part of mine. I consider you a dear friend and I hope that you will lean on me now in your time of need as you had so graciously offered me in my time of need. Your friends are here for you hon. I'm so glad that you reached out. Thank you for the strength you've given me by sharing this today. You've reminded me that I'm not alone in this. That I'm not the only one who's suffered such injustice at the hands of another. And that I'm not the only one who feels so all alone in this world wondering why I don't just end it all now. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way right now. I hope you feel better real soon hin. I am here for you now and alwayz my dear friend. Love you {{{{{HUGZ}}}}}