I've Always Known

Is it role reversal or plainly being and playing your role?

I've always known I was a woman ... even when I was little I knew I was a girl.

I lived it when I was young. I dresses in slacks and pants and tennis shoes mostly with solid color tops.

I looked like a girl.

Even when I was older I still looked more feminine than masculine.

For a time I buried it, my feminine self, out of fear partially and the fact that 'society' said who I was.

I didn't have a choice or free will.

Now after living the lie and coming to the realization of who I am and what I am, I pretty much have come full circle.

When I was young, as I said, I knew I was a girl.

Now, today I know I am a woman.

No more fighting it or denying it. I faced my demons and dealt with my feelings and came out more alive than ever before when I accepted who I was.

I did have a choice and for a while I denied who I was and therefore the choice to be myself.

My gender is and always has been female. I am a woman. How did my brain and heart know that and my body be so ... different.

Now I know, unequivocally know.

I am a woman!

Yes, I do want my body to be aligned with my gender.

Yes, I want to be a woman because that is who I am.

The pure and simple truth is I have always been and will always be ... a woman.

That is my role on the stage of life.
Josie06 Josie06
56-60, F
5 Responses May 19, 2012

Hi:

Just joined. I'm 68, a retired teacher with grown children, and I can appreciate your situaiton and just wanted to say: I hope you can either live as a woman or be surgically reassigned. I wish I had done that more than 50 years ago. A few nights ago I got a call from an old and dear friend in Vancouver, who told me to look up a certain blog. This was after a long conversation about what I was going to see...which was quite wonderful and brave. The blog showed my friend's youngest son, Jeffrey, in the latter stages of his transitioning from M to F. There was 'Jessica' standing in a blue sundress in a local park talking about just getting his driver's license changed from M to F, and about his future as a woman. I knew Jeffrey for years as a nice, kind and smart young man. I emailed him and said: congratulations young lady on your courage, period. I also said something else that was true: "my God, Jessica, you're a pretty girl!. and she is. I missed the same boat many years ago, so I hope whatever you do, you can find a way to (if you already haven't done so) live the rest of your life as 'her.' My very best to you. Gerry.

You rock lady.

I also agree. It is like the line from Ricky Nelson's song "Garden Party", "You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself." We must be who we are!

Oh Josie you have done it again, so eloquently written and accurately put for so many of us. Here here, I second this, one day soon our bodies will be rid of this awful birth defect of ours and be whole.

Very well said. I admire your conviction, Josie.

I agree and her strength will see her through.