Wonderful Family, Shelter and Food ++, But...

I guess I may sound a bit unjust when I say that I want more from life, but who doesn't? I have a GORGEOUS (I know, everyone thinks their kid is the best), SUPER-INTELLIGENT, FUN, 2 year old son, a wonderful husband (yeah, he has his "guy issues", like tending to behave selfishly and needing constant reminders to complete tasks, but he is a genuinely great guy, attractive, and a WONDERFUL father). I just got my Master's Degree in Education, and am currently on disability because I just had back surgery. I am only 31, soon to be 32. I have made the decision to take pain pills in an effort to function as somewhat of a normal person, so that I do not have to sit by and watch my life go on without me, as I lay on the couch while my (very helpful, formerly absentee and alcoholic) mother or husband took my son outside to play. This method made me so depressed that the Drs put me on Cymbalta and Xanax, which I am now off of (self-weaned off the Cymbalta after reading online horror stories and beginning to feel as if I were an alien), but I still need narcotic pain relief to go about a semi-normal routine. This is just one of the reasons why I want MORE, I feel badly for my husband who works all day and has to do most of the major house-upkeep stuff, because I am a handicapped and useless (for anything but raising my son) wife. My Mom helps out, but at the expense of her own personal life. Truth be told, I would love to get better and do everything that my Drs say, except I over-do things because I hate relying on everyone else and I want to take a more active role in my recovery. I have lost 34 lbs, I am swimming and/or exercizing daily, and I am feeling better about the way I look. However, I am still in just as much pain and hate that I am reliant on narcotics to function, even at a minimal level. I only take Lortab and sometimes Valium for muscle spasm, when it gets really bad I take Percocet. I do take more than recommended, but only when things are bad and only by maybe a few pills a day. This does in fact make me feel like I may never lead a normal life, and I fear for my potential to be reliant on these meds, even if the pain dissipates (it has NOT). I do not get any "buzz"or anything, but I am afraid that if I do get better I may need help to wean from those. The ways in which I want more from life are quite simple, but so complex and vague at the same time. I want to be pain-free, without meds. I want to be able to pick up my son and twirl him around and play on the floor with him, and not only in the pool :) I want to become a better wife to my husband, more hands-on, more helpful, less bitchy (it seems all I do is ***** because I am in pain, a vicious cycle) I want people to start doing random acts of kindness toward one another, and stop the senseless violence. I want a more happy, loving, peaceful and respectful world for my son. I know, I am selfish?
nilestheninja nilestheninja
31-35, F
2 Responses Jun 5, 2007

This isn't selfish. One of my best friends suffers from chronic pain, and I know how debilitating it is for her, and how it can really get her down, and she doesn't have a husband and kid to worry about! You want a normal life back, you want to be helpful to those around you, you have every right to feel this way!!! TheTardyDodo is right, if you are worried about the pain meds, check out alternatives, yoga (this isn't a ridiculous suggestion, yoga can be done sitting in a chair!) acupuncture, massage, and countless other alternatives! You will make it through this, I am certain of it!!

What is there about your wants that is selfish? A desire and a longing to contribute, to be more active and able, to better the lives of the people you love. And to be in less pain. There is nothing selfish there. Not at all. Back pain is one of the most problematic sorts of pain to deal with, as I'm sure your doctors have told you. It certainly sounds like you have the strength and the will to find a way through this. One thing that conventional medicine can often pay too little attention to are various complementary/alternative medicine practices that can provide a lot of benefit. Sometimes it really is a matter of finding what works for you, if what your pain specialist has to offer is not helping. (And if you don't have one, they are always a good compliment to the services of a neurosurgeon/orthopaedic surgeon if your back pain continues).