Recently Married, But So Alone
I have been with my husband for over five years. We were recently married about four months ago.
I keep questioning whether the decision to get married was a good one. My husband (when he was just a boyfriend) left me several times...crushing my soul each time he left. I know I love him. What I don't know is if he loves me or if he's even capable of doing so. I spend so much time crying and questioning this, I think it's driving us both crazy. I feel as though I may have "tricked" him into marrying me...I gave him an ultimatum, marry me or I go.
I left him once before. It was January 1, 2008. I left him longer than he has ever left me. I didn't agree to see him again until after April. I didn't move back in with him until June. He promised that he loved me and that he would never push me away again. He even promised to rub my feet everyday! Which of course, I knew was a joke. He asked me to marry him in August. We married in May. Nothing has changed, I still feel like a single girl, I just wear a ring.
He keeps referring to the dog as my dog. He does his own laundry and tells me to do my own laundry. He makes his own food. He'd rather do his own shopping. My problems are my problems and I should take care of myself. He laughs at me when I tell him my GERD is bothering me (because it's ALWAYS bothering me...). I ask for help and he doesn't want to help no matter what it is. He said he's not my indentured servant.
I've never asked him to be a servant to me, but I did ask for a husband as he asked for a wife. Am I wrong to assume that when a couple gets married that they are no longer responsible and accountable for themselves, they are responsible and accountable for their partner as well? I feel as though the dog is our dog (the dog I got just 6 months before I met him over five years ago!). The laundry is not mine or his, it's ours. The dishes, the cooking, the shopping...these are tasks we should share, not do separately! I'm tired of eating alone. I feel alone. I got married to have a partner in life, I feel like I have a roommate. I'm extremely disappointed.
I love this man more than anything, but I don't know how to get through to him. I've tried talking to him, but he says that I'm "riding his ***" and that I just keep "going on and on about the same thing". I don't know how to be more plain or obvious with what I want. If I give him specific examples, he tells me that he's not my "indentured servant". I can't be vague because he "doesn't know what I want". What I want is to be respected and cared for. I want attention and love. I want to be a couple. I want to be united. What's his is mine and what's mine is his. I don't want to be separate. I don't want to spend the evening glued to facebook while he is sitting across the room playing the xbox 360. I want to have a family.
Speaking of family, he has a stepdaughter who I adore. I love her very much and she loves me. It's obvious my husband loves her. He tells her all the time, hugs her, tickles her. She's seven so she can't cook for herself, but he cooks for her...not for me. I told him that I chose him, I chose her. They were a package deal. I love them both dearly. I know his daughter loves me. I know he loves me. I don't know that he cares about me and that really bothers me. I also know that he loves her more than he loves me. This also bothers me a little. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. I asked him, "If your daughter were to tell you, "Daddy, I don't think you care about me.", What would you do?" He didn't respond. We both know what he would do, he would take her in his arms and hug her. He would tell her that she is being very silly and tell her that of course he cares about her. He loves her soooo much. Then he would wipe the hair out of her eyes and give her a kiss. When I told him that I didn't think he cared about me, he leaned back on the couch, rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh as if to say "are we gonna do this all night?"
I cannot have a child with him right now. I am terrified that he will love that child more than me. I am terrified that I will be totally and completely alienated.
I'm terrified and I don't know what to do. I love this man so much. He loves me. But I just can't seem to get him to show me that he cares or that he wants to share his life with me. I feel so alone because I can't tell my friends or family about this. I can only talk to him and our therapist (yes I did get him into therapy...we've been going for about a year. We did premarital therapy).