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Recently Married, But So Alone

I have been with my husband for over five years. We were recently married about four months ago.

I keep questioning whether the decision to get married was a good one. My husband (when he was just a boyfriend) left me several times...crushing my soul each time he left. I know I love him. What I don't know is if he loves me or if he's even capable of doing so. I spend so much time crying and questioning this, I think it's driving us both crazy. I feel as though I may have "tricked" him into marrying me...I gave him an ultimatum, marry me or I go.

I left him once before. It was January 1, 2008. I left him longer than he has ever left me. I didn't agree to see him again until after April. I didn't move back in with him until June. He promised that he loved me and that he would never push me away again. He even promised to rub my feet everyday! Which of course, I knew was a joke. He asked me to marry him in August. We married in May. Nothing has changed, I still feel like a single girl, I just wear a ring.
He keeps referring to the dog as my dog. He does his own laundry and tells me to do my own laundry. He makes his own food. He'd rather do his own shopping. My problems are my problems and I should take care of myself. He laughs at me when I tell him my GERD is bothering me (because it's ALWAYS bothering me...). I ask for help and he doesn't want to help no matter what it is. He said he's not my indentured servant.

I've never asked him to be a servant to me, but I did ask for a husband as he asked for a wife. Am I wrong to assume that when a couple gets married that they are no longer responsible and accountable for themselves, they are responsible and accountable for their partner as well? I feel as though the dog is our dog (the dog I got just 6 months before I met him over five years ago!). The laundry is not mine or his, it's ours. The dishes, the cooking, the shopping...these are tasks we should share, not do separately! I'm tired of eating alone. I feel alone. I got married to have a partner in life, I feel like I have a roommate.  I'm extremely disappointed.

I love this man more than anything, but I don't know how to get through to him. I've tried talking to him, but he says that I'm "riding his ***" and that I just keep "going on and on about the same thing". I don't know how to be more plain or obvious with what I want. If I give him specific examples, he tells me that he's not my "indentured servant". I can't be vague because he "doesn't know what I want". What I want is to be respected and cared for. I want attention and love. I want to be a couple. I want to be united. What's his is mine and what's mine is his. I don't want to be separate. I don't want to spend the evening glued to facebook while he is sitting across the room playing the xbox 360. I want to have a family.

Speaking of family, he has a stepdaughter who I adore. I love her very much and she loves me. It's obvious my husband loves her. He tells her all the time, hugs her, tickles her. She's seven so she can't cook for herself, but he cooks for her...not for me. I told him that I chose him, I chose her. They were a package deal. I love them both dearly. I know his daughter loves me. I know he loves me. I don't know that he cares about me and that really bothers me. I also know that he loves her more than he loves me. This also bothers me a little. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. I asked him, "If your daughter were to tell you, "Daddy, I don't think you care about me.", What would you do?" He didn't respond. We both know what he would do, he would take her in his arms and hug her. He would tell her that she is being very silly and tell her that of course he cares about her. He loves her soooo much. Then he would wipe the hair out of her eyes and give her a kiss. When I told him that I didn't think he cared about me, he leaned back on the couch, rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh as if to say "are we gonna do this all night?"

I cannot have a child with him right now. I am terrified that he will love that child more than me. I am terrified that I will be totally and completely alienated.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do. I love this man so much. He loves me. But I just can't seem to get him to show me that he cares or that he wants to share his life with me. I feel so alone because I can't tell my friends or family about this. I can only talk to him and our therapist (yes I did get him into therapy...we've been going for about a year. We did premarital therapy).
 

DevotedOne DevotedOne 26-30, F 7 Responses Oct 7, 2009

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I am in a similar situation. Just got married a few months ago. He mkes his own decisions without consulting me (he's 42, I'm 30, first marriage for both), or without thinking about it from my standpoint. He's very selfish but I know that he does care, he has good days when he's more lovey-dovey and showing me he cares, but then there are other days when it seems like he's on his own. I also feel so lonely. When we met, we couldn't picture our lives apart, thought we had finally found each other's soulmate, now he doesn't seem to care or appreciate me. I'd like to find online friends for disctraction and venting :(

me too in similar sit, he spends most of his free time with friends but when he's back home he's all moody.why do we women always have to cry ourselves to sleep bcoz of the ungreatful men?u do everything for him,do the loundry,cook his favorite meals,take care of the kids for some of us and he cant even appreciate u.i cant even rememba the last time he complemented me on anything.....sad.

unfair let me guess your a man. it is not needy to want to be cared about. Married is married everything is shared if he can't deal then he shouldn't be married. I don't feel cared about in my relationship either, but i am not needy I just dont want to be a doormat.

ok Im not saying this to be mean...but you sound like the needy type, I mean its cool some women are like that, even some men are like that, but your husband sounds like what I call the caveman type lol, its very hard for them to like compliment show love emotions etc. Now theres nothing wrong with either of you, but if you guys cant adjust some from each end, then you'll live in misery or split. I can tell you right now cavemen dont adjust much at all, that leaves it on you, your gonna have to figure out if you believe he really loves you, and if you do, then you might have to accept this is just the way he is, then dont keep bothering him cause men cannot stand to be nagged, but just casually ask him like oh Id like to have dinner together sometime this week, or you know somthing that will make you as a woman feel good. If your not pressuring him and you approach it casually he'll probably be down for it. And your not gonna be able to make him understand how you feel by using the daughter as an example-b.c. the love a person has for thier child is totally differint than the love they have for thier spouse EVEN if the spouse is the other parent. I also suggest you have outside interests to keep your busy-and also you said you know he loves you but you dont know if he cares about you, well honey, you cant love someone without caring about them!

I think I understand why he feels so guarded. His own family hasn't ever paid much attention to him. They don't hug, they don't call, they don't send gifts. Hell we didn't even get a wedding gift/card from them! They didn't even come! NONE of them! I think the idea of being responsible to someone other than himself is new and weird. It hurts every step of the way and I just want him to snap and realize that I love him and I want him to love me and take care of me like I want to take care of him. Yes, I respect that there should be some independent aspects of life, but you're right. It's like we are in a relationship where we don't even live together. Like he is my boyfriend from across town that I occasionally date. Am I wrong to want and deserve more?

I can't give much advice in love since mine is unrequited and i've never been in a relationship where i was serious. But it seems as if your man is stuck in the mindset that he is boyfriend and you are his girlfriend and to each his own. You'll actually have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk at where he stands in this marriage and ask him how he really feels about you and if he has a daughter i take he's been in a relationship before so you should ask the ex why she broke up with him (maybe your reason is the same, no attention) because it seems if you don't fix this it will get worse. But i don't know anything i've never had a real relationship i have no experience so i can't help you much i'm sorry.....

Thanks for the comment and the quick support. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I was feeling very lonely. I'm afraid of what my friends would say :(

I really want to have children. I know he does too. I know I love him, but I can't get him to treat me like I'm his family. I'm no psychologist, but I think it has to do with the fact that he is not close to his family at all. He's independent in a lot of ways, but I take care of him too. I just want to be taken care of too.

I am sorry to hear your story..and I can empathise alot as my own 13 year relationship is a little similar in the closeness department.. although we did not marry we do have a son together and I often feel like we just share a house..

Someone told me once to move on emotionally, and just live my life...I have been trying to do that...since his life hasn't stopped at all....its a little easier...we did plan to get married, but I fell pregnant and we put it off ten years have passed and things stay the same...the only thing that changes is how much I am starting to hate myself for all the rejection he has put me through....if there were an easy way to leave I would just go....

Maybe its not all bad, perhaps you should have a child together to bond you..but thats a grey area as if your not happy in the relationship its the last thing you want...

How did you get him to go to therapy...thats a great move...but after a year no progress, suggests he's not as invested as you are...like most women..we give to much.....

I dont know what to do in my own situation, so cant give advice, just know that the lonliness you feel, is not deserved...and you are entitiled to happiness in every sense......however you negotiate it is up to you...keep trying....work on your family.....try until you no longer can, then you know you have tried your best which is all anyone can ask...