Before Its Too Late

I desperately need to get away from here, I cant stand being here anymore. I thought i was going to be able to write about my rape, but i dont think i can do that right now. im so close to just saying eff it, be homeless or better yet non existant. i have no one to talk to, not a single soul on this ****** up planet. i need a chance, a chance to get away, not be trapped in this small town. Its my 23rd birthday today. on a friday, and im sitting here absolutely depressed wondering if ill see the sun rise through dead eyes or not. i need someone to talk to, i know i shouldnt end things because i know that ill be in a better situation somehow. with the grades i had in school i should be in college right now. im trying so hard not to give up because i know thats foolish. but im just so tired of waking up everyday to the same battle, being with the same person for 4 years, he helped me after the rape, and he still just doesnt understand. i dont want to say poor me no one understands, because i know that there are people out there that have gone through way worse than what ive gone through. i was 18 and raped by 4 guys, but thats another story. i thought i had gotten over it, being 23 today i really thought that it was behind me, but the dreams are getting worse and with no one to talk to its just piling on me day after day and i feel like im going to explode. im so frustrated all the time i cant help but cry and i used to be so strong, so happy. i want to be the person i used to be, im trying so hard. and pardon my language, but what the **** is with most movies these days having 5 minute rape scenes in them?? with how common sexual assault is becoming how insensitive are people, like how is anyone who has gone through an experience like that supposed to sit comfortably, in a room full of people no less? i have such a hard time not just bolting for the door and running as far as i can. i try so hard to keep it under wraps. im so frustrated being here, i do everything right but apparently im a magnet for abuse. it sounds so sad and pathetic to me, but i swear to anything that exists that i really just want a friend. i want a friend so badly, but i just end up pushing people away. but honestly i havent tried in so long. being with my bf who doesnt really letme socialize i havent overly had the opportunity to try. im trying to escape. run away. anything. i dont care what it takes or what they want,i have to get out of here. anything has to be better than this. but i cant do anything without him knowing. i have to get out of here, escape, before its too late.
justme2377 justme2377
22-25, F
Dec 1, 2012