Why Can't You See Me... The Way I See Myself?I am an only child in my family.
Ever since the beginning, I was my parents' dream, the one who would grant all of their wishes and desires. I was to be the perfect child they had longed for.
I was too young to understand what this really meant back then.
I have always been the people pleaser. I love making other people happy, and I wanted my parents to be proud of me.
I was one of the top achievers in school, the perfectionist girl who had many talents. I thought I would be happy if my parents were proud of me in this manner.
But, life is never so simple.
I'm not sure when it all began. This feeling that something was amiss- that I wasn't seeing the whole picture clearly.
That school grades were nothing but meaningless numbers and figures; that intelligence meant nothing if you didn't have a heart.
I have always been a sensitive person. I can't help the tears that spill over for the tiniest reasons, the smile that appears over the smallest things.
This has always been my weakness.
That was what my mother believed.
When my parents and I migrated to another country. I could hardly speak any english, but tried my best to settle in as much as I could into my new school. From being the top achiever in school, I became the girl who couldn't even communicate properly in this foreign land. But I've always been stubborn, so I tried my hardest. Many people helped me, and I will be eternally grateful for their kindness. However, some were not so nice. I was bullied everyday for a year, other children stealing my items, calling me names, teasing me because I couldn't even speak their language.... I was shunned for my differences.
Being an introverted person, I didn't tell my parents until it became much worse. I burst into tears- the feelings I had kept locked inside me exploding out. At first, my parents let me cry... The thing is, when I start crying, I can't stop. The tears just keep coming and coming. And then, my mum had enough.
My mum's ideals of a "perfect" child was of a happy, high-achieving, normal girl who would make her proud always.
She didn't count tears and pain into that image.
So I was scolded when I allowed my emotions to rule me like that.
I began to realise that I being torn apart.
A part of me held (and still holds to this day) a strong desire to make my parents proud whatever the cost, because I loved them. But another part of me knew that I was sacrificing and denying a large portion of who I was, just to make them satisfied with me. Was it all worth it?
I still can't answer that question.
I received my stubborness from my parents. They would never waver from their ideals, especially not mother. I have always tried to hide my true emotions, my true self. I have often felt like I'm just a machine- working and working just to please my parents and people who expected great things from me. Sometimes I don't even know what I want, because there's just too much pressure from the outside world.
I have often tried to open up to them, but I have always felt my parents closing the door on me.
I am rather different from most people. I have never really fit in much. I have many friends and I care about all of them, but people have never really been able to see me as I am. Always, I have always been the high-achieving girl, or the rival-I-must-beat, the girl-who-achieved-this-and-that... But that's not how I see myself. That's not me at all.
Why are people so obssessed with stereotypes? Why is everything rated according to intelligence?
I tried to open my parents' eyes to my difference. My strangeness, my originality... But my mother is afraid of things that are not "normal". But what does normal even mean? I have tried, but I don't understand.
If "normal" means the majority, what about the minority? Are we all stupid? Dysfunctional?
Why can't people realise? Why are they so blind?
I have tried to understand, tried to make them understand. But I always find an unbreakable wall. People are scared to see the truth, scared of things that are different from them. New concepts and new ideas frighten the human race even though we claim to be a "rapidly advancing society".
It's not just the matter of opening your eyes. You have to open your mind.
And then... maybe you'll be able to accept everything just as they are.
And see me the way I see myself.