Just DifferentStepping down the long grey hallways of the physiatric unit at a semi local hospital,
I look around at the visitors and wonderTo
Am I really that differnt? Did I get it wrong?
I didn't mean to,
But I guess you can't help the things that cant be helped.
8 differnt doctors sit around me,
their conservative, practical glasses perched on each of their noses,
scrawling unlegiable sentances furiously in their little notebooks,
assessing everything I do, say, and feel ever since I walked in the door.
Today is what they would have called a bad day.
I think it all started when I sat down on the cold metal chair in the center of their circle,
and one of them, a middle aged women, asked me if I liked coming here, if I found it helpful.
A peice inside of me kind of snapped when she said it. Was it not perfectly obvious?
She has eyes, even glasses for those eyes, but she cannot see?
I turned toward her, but kept my eyes down.
'Well you see, I don't find it helpful, I dread coming here the entire day, and the night before.
You label me with multiple illnesses that when you are'nt even sure whats the problem.
You all sit in your circle, watching my every move like a group of hawks, pecking at eachothers observations.'
I began to mutter, mimicing their own snippy voices,
'She obviously has a very interesting case of autism'
'No its asperger syndrome'
'Theres defiently signs of synesthesia'
'I think we can all agree theres sevre ADD, and major lacking abilities in social skills.'
They all glare at me, their terrible at covering their offense. One of the doctors dares to say something, for in their eyes I am a wild animal,
Beautiful intill provoked.
'I dont sound like that.' His words came out in a whisper, he clears his throat and gains better footing,
'I was offended by your..impression. And it wasnt just me.'
I stare at him, he's disgusting. He really is.
He stands up and motions for everyone else to stand, so i'm completly surronded by their tall bodies,
They know not to do that...
They know I get scared.
They know I have anxiety.
They know whats going to happen.
We all do..
I curl into a tight ball, compressing every inch of my body closer, hoping to disappear,
My voice comes out as barely a whisper, a pathetic plea for mercy, a silent call for help.
Their closing in on me, I cannot escape, theres no way.
I've offended the 'all knowing gods of the universe that we call physolgists'
and im getting exactly what i asked for by doing that.
I am a deer, caught in the bright headlights of an oncoming truck at 3 in the morning,
and the drivers drunk.
but it makes almost no differnce,
my five foot 2 compared to their atleast 6' 5.
I stand strong, staring them all down,
'You all give me diagones, what am I suposed to do with them? They are letters that are unmarked, undelivered. What am i supposed to do with them? Drop them on someones doorstep and hope I get a reply?
You all set fire to your insides for fun, collecting notes and observations of me just to remember what it was like to be alive.
And what have you done now? You have killed me. You've lost me. You've distroyed your special case, I hope your happy.
You all say that this is all in my head, how about you take a trip there? My heads a scary place, but I can see. I can see more then any of you ever will. You have to distract your hearts from the things in your life that its missing. I have too many things, its in the details, the colors, the thoughts why cant you see?'
I'm crying, and their all watching me, their faces in shock. The same man reaches out, as if to comfort me,
I grab his hand and push it away
'You're all trying to cheat me...all of you.'
And with that,
down the hallway,
down the stairs,
out the parkinglot
Only to collapse and sob.
Sob for them, sob for me, sob for the people down the street,
Your trying to cheat me, every single one of you.
I cant help that Im just