For most of my life, that I can remember, I've put effort into being what I saw other people being because I've never felt like there was a defined "me". It got me friends, but not any close connections because I wasn't really what they thought I was and it was too much effort to keep up.

After the loss of a long-term relationship, my mother, and a couple friends (all about a year ago), I stopped trying to do that. It no longer seemed important. Now, I have no friends. I try to be respectful, kind, gentle, courteous, loving, caring, thoughtful, and living up to what could be called a Christian ideal, though I don't follow any faith. This, it seems, leads to being a man that other men can't respect or relate to and that women have no interest in. No one takes the time to find out what lies beyond the first blush.

I wish we were a species where such things were characteristic currency and not seen as flaws when collected together. I know I'm going to die completely alone now and it makes me so...indifferent towards everything. Every day...if tomorrow never came, I would be okay with that.
JohnAnonSmit JohnAnonSmit
41-45, M
1 Response Aug 31, 2014

Oh sweetheart.