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I Want Out!

I have been married for almost 40 years and have so many mixed emotions about this marriage.  I have read so many posts here and haven't seen anything even close to what I am experiencing.

If I was asked about the first 20 years, I would have said the marriage was great but looking back, I know it was great because I was tolerant and in being tolerant, I have allowed myself to be subjected to this way of life. which I am no longer willing to tolerate.

That said, let me explain: My husband is not and never has been abusive, has always been an excellent provider, doesn't smoke or drink and has had perfect attendence at church for the past 29 years. What more could a woman ask for, right??

Get this: He is a workaholic with energy for everything except a wife. He works a full time job, is a trustee on the village board, is active in a church youth group, coaches softball, is an EMT on the ambulance corp., and a volunteer firefighter. He bowls 3 times a week on leagues, and in summer, he is on a pit crew for a racing team. Between all that, he has meetings and classes to keep his EMT certification. He is well liked and is neat and clean.

With all those outside interests and activities, he takes no pride in his home. Among other things, the ceiling is sagging in 2 rooms, the flooring needs replaced in a couple rooms, He is a pack rat and 2 bedrooms upstairs are absolutely FULL of junk he can't part with for various reasons. He never picks up after himself. When he comes home from work, he showers, changes clothes, eats supper and off he goes.

There were a few times he had nothing going on so came home and went to sleep on the back porch (unbeknown to me) while I was trying to keep his supper hot for 2 hours. He never seems to give any thought to me being tired or maybe having plans of my own.

This man of many colors, tells me he loves me every day of my life. We have had a good sex life until I built up so much resentment toward him for neglecting our home and being gone so much. When he finally does come home for the night, he falls asleep (and it's no wonder) in a chair and stays there with his remote until 1-2 am when he finally goes to bed.

I keep a neat, clean home that is comfortable for him. I don't nag him because I don't want him to find another excuse to not come home. I have taken a close look at myself and gone to counciling to find something that may be hidden in me that maybe he would find reasons to not want to come home...councilor tells me I am quite normal in wanting and expecting respect and a reasonable amount of affection but at the same time make my needs known.

I have tried talking with husband about these issues and he always promises to make things better but he never has...then I decided to not be so patient and told him I need him to be a little less negligent about the house and it just seems to start a fight...something I want to avoid and we end up accomplishing absolutely nothing except building more resentment.

I am feeling lost in the fact that I cannot fix all this alone and have no cooperation from him so I feel as if my only solution now is divorce. I have even gotten to the point now of not caring if anything ever gets fixed now because even if he does sit up and take action, I have grown far too resentful to care.

What goes?
I am sorry for the length of this and welcome any comments.

Thanks for letting me vent.

invisible1 invisible1 61-65 11 Responses May 3, 2008

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I've been marrried 41 years to a great guy. He has always been a great provider and lets me do and go wherever I want. I still love him but I'm not "in love with him". We really have nothing in common. when our kids (3 boys) were young and involved in sports we enjoyed going to their games and being involved with the other parents, but now we have nothing. We have not been intimate in over 2 years, which he has never questioned. Last year I moved into my own bedroom because of his snoring. Everything he does or doesn't do bugs me. I've been questioning my love for him for probably about 20 years. I just don't know how I can tell him, I know he will be devasted. To make matters worse, I've been seeing a guy from high school that I always loved! He was the man of my dreams, we never dated, but always seemed to have had a connection. Every class reunion we spent the entire night together talking and laughing about our younger He is married also and has been for 26 years. We talk and text each other everyday, and see each other as often as we can (at least once a week). We both want out of our marriages but neither one of us wants to hurt our spouses or children. I'm open for any suggestions. I never intended to have an affair, it just happened. I'm not proud of what I'm doing but I'm 61 years old and I want to happy,

These posts sound pretty familiar. I have been married for just under 30 years (high school sweethearts) and I'm really, really done. He has brought in a good income all these years (as have I) but our relationship has deteriorated into a shambles. I absolutely despise him. I won't begin to say I'm perfect but he hasn't grown up at all. He makes note of things to throw out to incite squabbles at a later time - he knows how to bait me. I try to ignore it but I also don't like to be a patsy. He implies that my monetary contribution isn't as much as his, tells me my job isn't as demanding as his and brings it to my attention if there are a couple of evening meals that he's had to prepare. If the house is starting to get a little messy (papers on countertops, dishes not put away) he makes it known that I'm deficient, I'm a terrible housekeeper, etc and/or he makes sure to point out that HE wiped off the countertop or picked up some things around the house. During our frequent fights, it's almost predictable that he will bring up old, old crap, throw in some half-truth about my family, etc. I've gotten to the point of trying to speak to him as little as possible. I'm always on the defensive. I don't want to have sex with him because I don't trust him. By that, I mean I feel like an idiot being intimate with someone only to have him turn around and criticize, slur or demean me in some way the next day - nothing's changed. It's too long to go into and probably not that interesting to those not living it but my biggest concern is our kids, age 16 and almost 14. Can I get out of this without them getting hurt? Or should I stick it out another couple of years until they're both out of high school and on to college?

I have been married for 25 years to someone that I no longer feel the same about. I feel guilty about feeling that way. He had always been supportive. He is a hard worker and not afraid of it for sure. He helped me through college, working full time and being a parent of 2. Both of our children are in their twenties and doing things for themselfs. I am a consultant and travel 14 days out of a month. At first when i started on the road it was awesome. I would come home and I felt l was the luckiest woman in the world. Couldnt wait to see my husband. We did things together and wanted to be together. But.....the last 3 years have been awful. I come home to a dirty house, I come home to a husband that loves his dogs more than anything. He is doing some project on the house that wasn't discussed with me. Every thing that I have put my two cents on is totally different with what he went with. It seems that I am ok as long as I bring in a good paycheck every week. What I realized is that the issues I have were really there all along. They are just more noticeable now. I haven't had sex with my husband since last August 2010 and can't bring myself to even wanting to be with him that way.

My husband says things that humiliates me like no other. I don't like someone who talks nasty and talks like he is 15 year old boy. I have found websites he has been on that I was shocked. I got a call from my credit card company asking if I would allow a **** site to approve a membership. At first I told the credit card company that someone must have hacked into my account. Then a day later it dawned on me that it was my husband. Thats when things went down hill for me. I am not interested in things like that. Never have never have. By the way my husband has been doing this even when we had a very healthy sex life. I have moved in another direction. I have got to the point that I don't want to come home anymore. I don't know what to do about it. I know for sure I don't love him or at least not in love. I am missing that part in my life. This is the lonelist I have ever been. Here is a comment my husband made to me that took me back. You know honey if ever you cheated on me I would still stay married to ya. I wouldnt be mad. Who says something like that? I was shocked by that. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. Just confused.

some men are just not the mcgyver we would want them to be. I understand where you are coming from and I really really emphatize with your frustrations and resentment...but maybe he is better at other things, which you might. maybe just might, are overlooking because you are so focused on the one thing he can acomplished...

I am a man who love to have all this from a woman who was into me and respected my opinions and "wanted" to love me. Right now, though, our finances are in shambles, the house is half-finished (because of never having time or money from running so much), and my wife has had an affair and then states she doesn't know what she wants from here.



Well, it ain't me that's for sure, and I don't want someone after 5 years to tell me they have not seen the sacrifice and the attempts and the love that I have done for them.



So, NOW is the time. NOW is the place. NOW is the season to love yourself enough to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You can have other roommates that would do you and me the way our spouses do. Why this roommate? Is it love or is it just the fear of the unknown in realizing what may need to happen and executing that plan in our lives? We may love them, but are we "in" love with them, then at that, are they "in" love with us or are we convenient with benefits to them?



I hope the best , but for someone to love you, you do have to love yourself enough not to be used and lay down some boundaries and if they can't be met, like my marriage, then I walk.



Shamugla

I understand how you feel, I have spent the past 15 years taking a house that was a tear down to an amazing home and raising our 2 boys. It isn't even so much about the house as the disrespect it shows for me and everything I've done to watch his neglect of projects, the kids and me. The only thing important is his work. Since I quit work to stay home with the boys and take care of the house I am treated like the maid and serving girl and he has taught the boys to do the same. I barely exist.

I am in a similar situation and am no longer into putting forth the energy into the relationship. I cook, I clean, I pick-up after her, I work full time and have National Guard a weekend a month. I have painted hal;f the house, gardened, and set up her work computer while she picks up nothing. She is so negative about everything. I went to a counselor. She has not. I am now happy and its not at home - please go seek some happiness for YOU

Your name implies how you feel in your husband's eyes, he is a very selfish man and it seems he just wants a housekeeper. You do not mention if you have any children or that any are living ay home. I think what I would do is forget the housework and the cooking, go out and join some clubs yourself, even church ones, have outings with friends, or even get a part-time job. He can get his own dinner or get a take-away meal. He evidently does not appreciate a good home life. The only alternative will take courage, and that is to leave him and make the rest of your life happy, You have done your best for him, now do the best for yourself. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Any time you want to bounce anything off me, please do.

Thank you for your suggestions dorobo. We already did the counciling thing together. Then he quit and I went alone. I don't even want things to work anymore. That takes energy I just don't have anymore. After 40 years I have finally reached my breaking point.

Again, thank you for supporting me in this tho. I needed someone to understand.

No. I understand where you're coming from. My ex was just like that. We had boxes all over the sofa, the chairs, the floor, under tables on the dining room table. I yelled at her once saying what do I have to do to get you to clean this up.. file for divorce. She laughed. Then she cheated and I got a divorce, feeling finally justified. It's hell. If he won't go to counseling, you go, get your feeling worked out and then decide maybe to separate. He leaves, ,you clean up, throw out stuff and if it works out he can come back only so long as it stays clean. Make a list of the things you both agree to do, sign it in duplicate. Put it on the fridge door, whatever.