I have been married for almost 40 years and have so many mixed emotions about this marriage. I have read so many posts here and haven't seen anything even close to what I am experiencing.
If I was asked about the first 20 years, I would have said the marriage was great but looking back, I know it was great because I was tolerant and in being tolerant, I have allowed myself to be subjected to this way of life. which I am no longer willing to tolerate.
That said, let me explain: My husband is not and never has been abusive, has always been an excellent provider, doesn't smoke or drink and has had perfect attendence at church for the past 29 years. What more could a woman ask for, right??
Get this: He is a workaholic with energy for everything except a wife. He works a full time job, is a trustee on the village board, is active in a church youth group, coaches softball, is an EMT on the ambulance corp., and a volunteer firefighter. He bowls 3 times a week on leagues, and in summer, he is on a pit crew for a racing team. Between all that, he has meetings and classes to keep his EMT certification. He is well liked and is neat and clean.
With all those outside interests and activities, he takes no pride in his home. Among other things, the ceiling is sagging in 2 rooms, the flooring needs replaced in a couple rooms, He is a pack rat and 2 bedrooms upstairs are absolutely FULL of junk he can't part with for various reasons. He never picks up after himself. When he comes home from work, he showers, changes clothes, eats supper and off he goes.
There were a few times he had nothing going on so came home and went to sleep on the back porch (unbeknown to me) while I was trying to keep his supper hot for 2 hours. He never seems to give any thought to me being tired or maybe having plans of my own.
This man of many colors, tells me he loves me every day of my life. We have had a good sex life until I built up so much resentment toward him for neglecting our home and being gone so much. When he finally does come home for the night, he falls asleep (and it's no wonder) in a chair and stays there with his remote until 1-2 am when he finally goes to bed.
I keep a neat, clean home that is comfortable for him. I don't nag him because I don't want him to find another excuse to not come home. I have taken a close look at myself and gone to counciling to find something that may be hidden in me that maybe he would find reasons to not want to come home...councilor tells me I am quite normal in wanting and expecting respect and a reasonable amount of affection but at the same time make my needs known.
I have tried talking with husband about these issues and he always promises to make things better but he never has...then I decided to not be so patient and told him I need him to be a little less negligent about the house and it just seems to start a fight...something I want to avoid and we end up accomplishing absolutely nothing except building more resentment.
I am feeling lost in the fact that I cannot fix all this alone and have no cooperation from him so I feel as if my only solution now is divorce. I have even gotten to the point now of not caring if anything ever gets fixed now because even if he does sit up and take action, I have grown far too resentful to care.
I am sorry for the length of this and welcome any comments.
Thanks for letting me vent.