I Wished I Loved Me Enough To Let This Go
I have been married almost 25 years, no one could have told me that you could be married that long and not be happy. My husband has to very unhappy with me but very happy with the comfort I provide. In the last 4 years he has worked maybe 5 months of each year more like 3. He is always 1st, we have 4 children 2 adults 22 and 23 and 14 and 13. He has been verbally and physical abusive and even when it was physical I justified it with well he just slapped me it not like he was giving me black eyes are anything like that it was OK. I know there is something wrong with me. The latest is he has been out of work and I have carried the house hold on my own ( but I know my strengthen comes from the Lord). I am in the health profession and make enough money to keep us afloat after suffering bankruptcy when he stopped working about 4 years ago. He is so mean that why he looses his jobs and he cheated unemployment and got kicked off over 3 years ago till he pays them back and he has refused to pay them back . I take care of him completely and I could not get him to put a light bulb in my care break light9 (my daughter and I had to do it), I do home repair projects. I need him to get the kids to school and back and that was enough, for them to have a father around. I have filed for divorce before after big talk that he would sign, he called the paper fake and I never seen them again. I have very little money left over but for my sanity I am going to pay something toward a divorcee if it not but $25.00 a week, I got to do something. He started to working again after 4 months, he started making plan to go see his family, when I asked if he was going to help with the bill he stated I don't know. I know he does not loved me he has stated it and shows it everyday, I get nothing for my birthdays of holidays not even a happy birthday verbal. I blame me I have allowed myself to be treated worse then a dog, I have settle for less for so long. I am embarrassed in front of my daughters of 22 and 14 by his lack of care. I was in the hospital 3 days, in very bad shape and he did not call or come to see me. I cried so much on the 3rd day they sent the Chaplin and he was so overwhelmed that he called him and ask why he had not come to see his wife he told him that he had to get to work early in the morning and did not have time. But I went back home and just kept it inside, on my side I have gained 100 lbs, I am not asking for love but to be treated like a friend. I want out so bad, but I am afraid to make any moves and I remain carpet by choice. I will be 50 soon and would like to like myself enough to say enough is enough. I have lost 20 lb thinking this would improve the way I was treated but it has not. I have given him some of my best years, my problem is I have given me nothing. I went down and reported him hitting me, he did not think I was going to do it and got a restraint order but he became very very sick and I allowed him to come back. I know he thinks I am nothing and often laughs at me but I keep proving him right and I do feel like I am nothing and I have not right. I never had a man in my life before him, not a father or anyone just women. I want to let go I just don't know how I am a Christian and he resents it and will have nothing to do with going to church he said he knows God and don't need mine. I am so embarrassed working on my own car when people will ask why is your husband not helping you and offer their husband. Then I know that they know that I am nothing and he does not love me. I am so strong in taking care of my children, I love them and feel this is the only thing I ever had that loved me back, they are worth 25 years of hell. Somebody tell me something, to keep me going I feel all alone right now.