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What About An Exit Buddy?

I'm still soul-searching for an answer to how to get away from my toxic marriage.

The "Paper Marriage Solution" still looks viable, but it's open to negotiation out of fairness, leaving me vulnerable to finding an alternative with no notice if it fails, or worse yet - drawing me back in to the dynamic of what I'm trying to put an end to, which isn't *really* the marriage, I love my wife madly and it breaks my heart to feel that I must put her in my past - but I can't stand living with this person who only SAYS she feels the same for me and never acts like she really means it.

Then I spotted a comment from someone else here that has the same "trapped by kids" issue I do. While reading it, I realized part of that feeling comes from the fear of cutting the line in an already-broken home and freefalling - it would mean I (or we) don't have a solid foundation to stand on so the kids can be looked after and nurtured and cared for properly, except by the other parent.

But the manacled-by-kids debate belongs elsewhere. Let's say some - or most? ...of us are feeling too trapped by the situation to really escape clean without causing unintended collateral damage to ourselves and/or some loved ones. Then there's the fear of the unknown, of being alone for the first time - possibly ever, or maybe for years.

Then the idea hit me: what about a "divorce buddy?"

Hmm. Not an affair, although any of us starved for intimacy might relax into it but just a partnership. A way of building a platform to stand on for a while so we're not really freefalling at the end of a bad relationship. It might help us to overcome the fear of striking out alone, or not having a stable life to care for children with... The more I think about it the more it sounds like a good, workable idea.

Any thoughts? Anybody local to me agree, maybe?
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan 41-45, M 3 Responses Nov 19, 2012

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*has a few opinions on the "manacled-by-kids" debate but will leave them elsewhere*<br />
Did you ever find your "divorce buddy"?

Nah. One other member showed some interest but the conversation fizzled quickly. It still seems a good idea for those of us fearing breakups due to being resource-poor.

I was in a pretty dark and desperate place when I wrote this one.

I'm gathering that. :-)

I don't see how this works...any relationship out side of the marriage whether sexual or not with a member of the opposite sex is bound to be taken as an affair if discovered. Yopu might as well just have the affair, it's really the same thing. I've though about this same topic myself (I dream about exit stratedgies practically everyday) but there really no good outcome. There always the collateral damage to children and family that is unavoidable, and there's always the financial hit I will take that I just can't get past. I'll never be able to get past giveing all my money to an undeserving wife who never helped me earn cent #1.

This was an idea I was kicking around when I was going through a bery desperate and traumatic time. But to directly address your confusion, this was an idea for an EXIT strategy. I really don\'t see having any concern for how it would be construed by a freshly dismissed ex. Not that being hurtful is the goal... Just that many of us like yourself feel trapped by the looming prospect of losing resources.

Hi, I'm there. Not local to you, but could be one day. Let's talk; I could use a friend.

Please accept my apologies, friend. I was offline for several months after a breach of discretion. I\'m around frequently again lately so if you still need someone to talk to feel free to make contact.