My Latest Attempt

A few minutes ago, I sent this text to my wife. To explain the details, the xmas tree thing last night was this: My car is in the shop, ready to come home. My wife and daughter are taking the week off, and saw the usual place we get our tree from has them out. I'm also frustrated by a broken promise the night before to get home from the zoo on time for me to pick up my Wii U on launch day. I even agreed to keep it out of sight until the week passed so my daughter wouldn't be obsessed by wanting to get on it. Yesterday I was planning to get back into town, pick up the Wii U and some allergy relief for my daughter, drop home, swallow my disgust asking for a ride to my car or plan on walking - cook/clean dinner, etc. - she texted me on my way home asking me to help get the tree and pick up my car. I'm a big fat jerk toward myself, I agreed. I knew it was going to destroy my plans, and it sure did. We fought about it - mostly because I reminded her of our agreement over the WiiU, and how she agreed to me going to the zoo and walking around all day on a damaged foot in exchange for keeping the pace tolerable for me. The "backpedaling" was after I said we should pick up dinner (giving me the opportunity to pick up my damn game system discreetly), she blew up and said fine, if I wasn't willing to cook then we'll not have dinner. Then during the cutting the tree's base, hauling it in, adjusting it and cleaning the floors, she offered to make us all something. I wound up cooking the damned meal anyway, but she at least did the vacuuming of all the needles. Then they stayed up until after 10, in the common area - which is where I sleep. Even my daughter snapped at me that she was on vacation, I snapped back that I'm not and still have to get up in the morning - my wife sided with her, of course, but eventually herded her upstairs to THEIR bed, finally leaving me to MY couch (that's the one there, in my profile pic). Of course I sat up until midnight, steaming over how used I'm being made to feel, especially since I'm already talking about just getting through the holidays and deciding what to do in January.

Oh, the other references that are left dangling are discussed in my other stories.

Okay, here goes, she hasn't replied but I will post an update when it happens:

You know what: yesterday I was NOT a happy camper, because of not only the xmas tree thing, or the feeling of being used by having to put in all the extras and having you STILL expect dinner - I know, you backpedaled. Half a point back for that when you saw me get upset, but two points lost.
Not only that but once again I tried to tell you that you broke your word at the zoo, promising to take it slow and easy, then literally at the gate you took off like a shot for the farthest corner. And your response was basically "up yours, ******."
You're getting meaner and more insensitive, literally every day.
I've already decided that if you won't be part of putting an end to this, then I will put an end to it without you. And you're either not taking me seriously or you're trying to make sure I don't change my mind.
It's really very sad. I still love you madly and would still take a bullet for you. But I can't live like this any longer.
I was planning to get through the holidays and if nothing changed between us, negotiate The End.
But since this whole thing with the **** pic happened, and how you reasserted your position of callous uncaring and clearly willing to behave that way again should the opportunity come up, I've changed my mind.
Through the holidays I will continue to be the same loyal, ditiful husband, father and partner I've always been but come January you and I are going to have The Talk. You have until then to decide what sort of ending you would want to see happen. You to rip the band-aid and show me the door? Fine. You want to make it amicable, gently unraveling the partnership before I depart? That's ok. You want me to stay until Simone is old enough to leave the nest? Fine. But if you come to the table looking to change my mind, I will simply refuse and decide on my own what happens next. That is the only non-negotiable. I'm willing to discuss anything else.
But as far as I'm concerned, you've broken my heart and left the pieces on the floor to die, and I am taking it away from you so I can mend it and find someone to share it with who will treat it like it's worth something. I gave you every chance to mend it with me and you've defiantly stomped on it instead.
It's really a pity. I genuinely wanted to make it right between us but it's clearly far too late.

As promised, she replied about 45 minutes later. Just now there was more. I'm not pulling my punches or hiding my harshness. Feel free to poke at me too.

Sounds awful. Thanks for making my vacation from work so relaxing. I hope this is what you wanted. Anyway, if I thought  there was a way to stop your angry feelings I would do it in a minute. But every time I turn around I am being chastised for something. I am taking Simone out today so unless there is an emergency I won't be available for more hateful texting. Have a great day.

Frankly, since you've provel consistently and repeatedly that you don't give a **** how you're making me feel, I have no interest at all in your guilt trippen.

And if THAT is all you have to say, then I take it you accept.

HER (20 minutes later):
I can't say anything but things you criticize. Maybe you should think about who you are and your part in it. Stop throwing stones. I can't say anything that you hear anymore than I hear you. We are not communicating because all we do is hurl accusations. Lets try listening to each other and we might get somewhere.


No more texting either.

Okay, opinions? Notice how she flips the whole conversation over onto me? Or am I stupid or something? It's always the same pattern: she tries to flip blame onto me, the guilt trips, telling me I'm hypercritical or oversensitive, and finally trying to say this is all my fault.
Normally this could go on for hours or days until she finally starts to actually try to reason with me, as soon as she figures out I'm being dead serious. THEN the conciliatory noises begin, she says she really does understand after all, blah blah. It's really just noise, she means not one word, and this is the shortest loop in perhaps ever - usually the cold war starts right after she leaves me after the crummy excuse for sex she's willing to give as a peace offering. And that's the only time we have ANY intimacy at all.

Part of why the loop was so short was the "infamous **** picture incident." We argued all day, in text - with me finally screeching for a divorce because she stood her ground, telling me I violated her privacy by going through SMS, and the **** picture was gross and all dicks are ugly - all women think so (readers, look up my question and answer if you're female!) finally breaking down and explaining she understood, offered her usual peace offering of lousy sex, which I accepted - and we weren't done longer than a minute she started going at it telling me the hateful texts must stop (to which I agree), then started getting back to how the "**** picture" thing was her business and not mine, I violated her privacy (she turned her phone over to me for inspection during the summer in another fight), it's okay for her to joke with her friend like that (which not only hurt my feelings but there was other stuff like talking about going out getting laid and more **** pictures requested, looking for another man, etc.), basically communicating to me in her mind what she did was not only totally okay, not just that she would do so again, but she RESENTS me for being hurt and didn't mean one word of her apology for breaking my heart.

PLEASE my friends, GIVE ME STRENGTH! I don't want this to simply restart the fricking loop! It's destroying me heart and soul!!
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan
41-45, M
9 Responses Nov 20, 2012

She said it... She wants to communicate like adults.. U said no like a child.. Do her a favor and leave

That's a pretty two-dimensional reply. At the time this exchange took place, she was literally torturing me with emotional bullying and abuse, and was only willing to relent when I said "dammit I can't take this another minute, I'm leaving" - then she would lure me back in with promises to fix everything, apologies for all offenses, and offers for sex. Then as soon as I was "back under control" she would go back to business as usual. She didn't start acting like she's the one being reasonable until she had me upset enough to lose my composure. This way, she can make it look like I'm the one being a freak and she's done nothing wrong. You fell right into that lie. The xmas tree reference I mentioned had to do with calling me while I was on my way home to tell me to show up to help shop for - and carry a Christmas tree. And she still expected me to unwrap, balance and mount the tree, clean up the mess from getting it in the house AND cook and clean dinner. And for not liking it she treated me like a lazy ******* who doesn't care. And all I wanted to say was hey, how about a break here - or at least don't be so hurtful. The zoo thing... I have a badly injured ankle and at the time was walking at quarter-speed in a painful limp. She wanted to go to the zoo, and I told her no way am I walking around on this injury all day. She talked me into it by PROMISING she would take it slow and easy, we'll see less but if I need a break we'll stop, just please come? So I did. LITERALLY as soon as we got to the gate, she said "oh! they're feeding the Grizzly in 5 minutes, see ya!" and took off like a shot. I wound up spending the whole day painfully walking faster than I can without hurting myself more just to not lose sight of them. And when I told her "hey, you PROMISED me you wouldn't do this, that was why I agreed to come along!" She basically told me "tough ****." So after piling up all of these major incidents of abuse and disrespect I really don't think it's so unreasonable to be upset about it. And you agree that I'm being childish and she's being reasonable? Where were you when I was trying to simply let her know she made a deal with me and broke it and she told me to **** off? Do you think THAT was reasonable?

dude, you need to stop degrading yourself with b*tch texting, man up and leave. I am not saying necessarily get a divorce. Just pack your backs and go on a vacation, even if it means not working for a week. Next time she gets in a fight with you simply ignore it. Also, ignore the teenage daughter- what does she know.

Seriously though, bro. Men who use text to argue don't deserve respect (neither do women). Your wife disrespects you because you disrespect yourself. I feel bad for you man, but I can see how she would walk all over you when you just text a huge, babbling explanation for the weekend. Clearly she doesn't give two cents so why do you degrade yourself by expressing your 'side' of the argument. Clearly communicating via text helps nothing yet you keep doing it.

Stop, staph staph. For your own sanity, please. Grow your beard out, take a man-hike in the wilderness, kill a deer, mediate and fast for three days in the wilderness and then when you are done come back home after you have reclaimed your manliness.

Wow I'm sorry I'm going through some of my own things but it'd not that bad. My husband hurts my heart but not on purpose and he don't blame me for it.

I like your profile
I'm Antonia
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Ill just offer my 2 cents. She's feeling defensive which is why she is pushing some of it on you, but it sounds like she is willing to take some responsibility . It sounds like she still has feeling for you too, take her offer to talk things out calmly. Since it sounds like a cycle it probably won't help. Try therapy! Try anything until there's nothing left to try and then if its the same its 100% time for divorce.

I appreciate that... Lot happened since then. Planning to havd The Talk with her, hopefully this coming week. :(

Sooner the better :)

she will attempt to PLAY NICE for now. But we all know that come Jan 1, things will be as always. you the good HOUSE BOY attending to her needs, not the sexual ones, and you getting treated like crap.Stick to your guns. You set down the rules, now you need to live by them. Best of luck in a terrible situation. Just remember to not make your Daughter collateral damage.
Good book for this part.

Thanks for that. I've already decided it's time to go. My heart started beating for someone else by accident... And I discovered it had been still for a long time. Meanwhile my wife continues to abandon me in favor of her **** habit.
I now have the resolve, next is haivg the courage.

thank you for the link. I went and bought 2 copies. one for myself and one for a deat friend who keeps battling with himself over this issue. We both need the final kick in the pants. And i am sure this is it.

I forget who recommended it to me, but it's quite good...though by the time super savings shipping got it here, I'd separated...:p
It's telling me how right I was to do it though.

somehow i think the same thing will happen to me. I know that it is time to go. I have just had a battle with myself over how and when. I almost did it back in June, but he had planned a trip for us and i thought Maybe, just maybe he was trying. But all it showed me was that we are fine roommates. we get along for the most part. and as long as i follow him like a lost puppy and keep him company things are ok. at least for him. He can not or will not grasp the lonelyness i feel. So here i am once again holding on until after xmas for my daughter. But the end is nigh.

1 More Response

Another update:
I seem to have finally gotten her attention. She told me the next day she wants to get together, and I said I didn't want to go back through the same cycle of being placated, then once I've got that tiny little scrap of love and respect, back to the same old pattern. She agreed, and over the last couple of days she's showing a sustained level of showing she means it.
Early this morning she had to go to work and was kind of upset with me - last night she had to go to sleep early, and was having trouble getting tired - we've both had insomnia for a couple of weeks. She'd asked me to come to her bed and cuddle her and stroke her to sleep, but my own insomnia caught up with me and I was out like a light in 5 minutes (probably thanks to the turkey!). She was upset like I said but didn't make an issue out of it, and when I apologized and offered to make up for it later she accepted.

That's not the normal pattern. Usually if one of us lets the other down, even in the smallest way, it means war. It was very nice to have a problem with each other and finally manage to resolve it the way people normally do - a grievance, and an apology, and offers to reconcile are exchanged, and finally a follow-up to make it right.

It was nice.

Just over the last couple of weeks my feelings have been so raw and overwhelming I've been unable to think or talk about anything else but how bad things are for me. It also feels nice to be able to sleep for a change and to be able to look at my marriage objectively and think it may be mortally wounded, but even the slightest sign that it may not be doomed made me feel better.

Again: I'm not stupid, and I do know I'm Love's Fool. But there's a clear understanding between us that I've decided to wait until after the holidays before acting on the impending break-up, and have now agreed to wait until the New Year before resolving to break up as well. I'm not so sure that's wise. But it does feel nice to actually feel like we're still married for a change.

I want to post the first reply to point something out: Please forgive me for using the very ugliest word in the English Language in that story (the "N" word). I am certainly not so insensitive to any of God's creatures to use it regularly or ever in the sense commonly used to hurt other human beings. In context it illustrates how I'm being made to feel by being treated the way that I am.