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The Demon Feels The Burn

I have little time to spare on EP these days, as my privacy has been breached by a major blunder, so I'm now being watched like a hawk at home, and only have a little spare time here and there while I'm at work (you know... like breaktime). For folks that haven't noticed or read my whiteboard, here's a brief catch-up:

I gave notice in mid-November that we were going to break up after the holidays. She talked me into letting her “have one more chance.” Well, since I was committed to hang around for six weeks, I saw no harm in that. She didn't even make it two before starting back in with the neglect and abuse. This led to a crescendo just before New Year's Eve, with an incredibly vicious fight over something so trivial it's not even really noteworthy.

Then, despite the best laid plans... I made a critical blunder. Two nights before I was planning to give The Talk, I fell asleep while reading emails from Dream Girl. I never intended for The Demon to find out about her.... she's my best friend and I have feelings for her and we frequently discuss our marital problems... ugh. Just so happened The Demon came looking to talk with me that night and found the emails. That night ended with me confessing that I had feelings for someone else, albeit unrequited and it was never to be more than simply a close friendship, but that I was also planning to Give the Talk very soon anyway, my brand-new iphone 5 getting smashed to bits in a fit of jealous rage, and The Talk taking place 30 hours earlier than planned. On top of it all, dammit – she dragged our little girl out of bed and told her all about how I have an online girlfriend (only slightly true... "best friend" not "girlfriend") and I was leaving them both for her (totally untrue). I was planning to carefully time The Talk so it could take place while the little girl was at school, well away from us as we fight out the last remaining moments of our marriage. Instead, the last week has been a lot of damage control on top of trying to convince The Demon that she needs to set me free peacefully, which she refuses to do. She's trying to get me to change my mind, using every possible tactic she has. She tried offering me exactly what I'd always complained was missing, invited me back to the bed which I declined, she even put her wedding band back on for the first time in almost ten years, just to impress me and make me believe all the added stuff like "no, really, this time I mean it, honestly!" I keep telling her she made this promise in November, and that promise in July, and the other one last year, and as soon as she gets me to agree to stay, it's "no, I'm changing my mind about all that, go back to your couch and shut up, nerd."

Two days ago she tried controlling me with sex. This is one of her tricks that she uses pretty much every time. It's not working anymore. I had given up caring about her sexually in order to stay sane during those long dry spells of no affection for up to 7-8 weeks at a time, when we'd made an agreement to see each other as lovers once a week. It was a deal we made over a year ago... a condition I'd set for my return after yet another fight about love and sex and neglect and hostility, she'd forced me to leave or else she was going to call 911 and tell them I was hitting her. I told her I wasn't coming back and when she showed remorse later, trying to lure me back, I set among other conditions that we would negotiate a schedule for intimacy that we both found acceptable and reasonable. I was planning to talk her into what, twice a month, so when she set an opening offer of once a week I accepted immediately. She never kept that agreement more than 3 times in a row, and that happened only once. On average it was once a month or longer. She violated the other two conditions, too.

Yesterday, she sent me a couple of texts, still trying to impress me by turning up what I call the scent machine in the restroom (meaning, all this lovely aroma is only a weak attempt to mask the stench by adding to it, not fooling me one bit) – telling me she misses me and so on. Then she sent another text later on, telling me she really hopes I change my mind about her "coming to visit" (...me late at night for sex) Because when she thinks of me now she gets that twitchy feeling.

I'm really not so stupid. It's been five weeks since she even brought it up, which isn't even close to the current record of 8 weeks gone before I wind up exploding with frustration over the neglect, because we had an agreement to get together once a week. And she only brings it up anymore, for the last year or more – because she knows it's a direct connection to my heart and she can get me to agree to stay, even if the sex is lousy. She's gotten into the habit of withholding sex until I can't stand it anymore and start talking about breaking up, then she offers it. But yesterday it didn't work.

I sent her a reply telling her bluntly that I'm not interested, since I'm taking care of business by visiting her favorite **** site (which I named, I mention elsewhere she's a **** addict), and besides, it's only been five weeks and not the usual 7-8 as has been true lately, and suggested she can take care of that pesky twitchy feeling on her own once the little girl is asleep... and promised not to look in on her activities, as I don't really care anymore.

This was an EPIC burn for the Demon. And it's not even as harsh as what she's put me through over the last couple of years. For every time we were together, there were five nights (on average) when she was supposed to show up, so I waited until after everyone's bedtime, took an extra shower, preening as much as possible so I was as clean and smooth as can be so I could present myself well when she came down to see me... only to discover she had no intention that night, after waiting up half the night for her, seeing she'd gone to sleep instead, and spent the other half of the night crying my eyes out because I'm such an unwanted fool. Often I would find out she was doing **** the day before or after the night I was waiting for her in vain.

When I got home last night, she'd clearly seen the text I sent and was NOT a happy camper. She barely spoke to me at all, only in reply to my usual question about what to cook for dinner, and her answer was she's not hungry. She stayed in solitude in her comfort zone – that being the master bedroom from which I was banished over a decade ago for snoring. I went looking for the little girl. I found her in her room, just emerging from the closet – she'd been hiding in there. I brought her to the kitchen to make her dinner. We talked... I found out The Demon must have gotten my reply while they were working on homework. She lost her temper with the little girl over some of the usual homework-related stubbornness and frustration, and gave her such a hard time she fled to hide in her closet. I apologized to the little girl since I felt that it was my fault The Demon was in such a foul mood, and explained the details of what happened. We both wound up actually sharing a laugh... she is such a sweet kid, too young to fully understand but she could relate – she's been forced to witness many things that would normally break a child's ability to stay young and innocent, yet she's still very much a little girl, and is also really a very mature, wonderful human being. After all, since The Demon had been neglecting me in favor of her **** addiction, it was indeed an epic burn for me to turn her down and state clearly that I was visiting her favorite website. My main objective of course was to make the little girl feel better and hope she didn't feel responsible for what happened between the two of them. And to have a nice quiet evening together with the usual weeknight dinner and TV ritual.

Sure, I'm giddy. Sure, I even feel the surge of being able to deliver such a payback. And okay, I'll even admit it put a smile on my face. But I'm still a human being. Even though I've demonized her, literally calling her The Demon, I know in my heart she's still a human being too, and yes. I do feel bad that I've hurt her this way. It must be really, really painful, and I do feel guilt having caused that pain. However, it's still a lot less of a blow than she's repeatedly done to me over the last couple of years, and also she's not on board with breaking up – so with a little luck that will be a little less true now. We'll see what happens when she cools off. Right now she's steaming, I'm sure it's a mixture of rage and anguish, likely to be followed by despair. I've been there before, like I said – by her hand.
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan 41-45, M 2 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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I don't understand what makes he want to hang on to this relationship? It is so toxic and it must clearly be affecting your little girl.

IKR... Since then, she said SHE would move out and keep paying the bills, which was totally whack. That managed to put me off for about six weeks. Then when I called her on it she claimed things were better. Bull. We fought again. Then she resorted to blackmail. She called me a deadbeat dad just for wanting to leave and threatened to come after me with lawyers to attach my wages beyond the ability to self-support. But that's not what made me her prisoner. She also claimed to remember enough from the emails she found to track down "Dream Girl." And trainwreck her marriage abruptly. And she bragged that a certain friend will help her do it. An ex-coworker. More recently, I found out she's been dating him on her lunch breaks for about a year now, without my knowledge or consent. Not necessarily beyond friendship, but definitely inappropriate: they meet at the edge of a park far from the bustle of the workplace, usually during the week, meaning they are in a secluded area, with a reasonable level of privacy.
And I'm still her prisoner today, until I can assemble the right strategy to neutralize the threat against my friend. And she decided without even discussing or confirming with me - which I definitely would not - that we are back together and everything's just peachy again. She's even managed to take advantage of a lonely and vulnerable moment to resume her campaign to use sex to control me. Only it's not working anymore. She's putting a lot more effort into it and being careful not to neglect me anymore, but it's just not mitigating the massive damage she's done since the holidays.

That's a really tough situation you have on hand. I hope you find your way out soon.

Yeah. TYVM. I'm deeply depressed right now. Things aren't going well for me with Dream Girl either, although it's not a crisis per se, we still care about each ither deeply but in a fit of despair I told her I was hopeless of ever getting any closer with her. She didn't argue with that. None of that is any real surprise but what's between the lines told me losing all hope is appropriate. It broke my heart. Again. I'm sitting here on my lunch break literally shedding cold, bitter tears. I haven't been able to make myself contact her since last night. Sharing my heart's fondest wish is depressing, futile and pathetic now. She's up to date on my situation, and sharing my thoughts and feelings could be destructive. So for the first time in months, sending messages several times a day without fail - I... can't think of anything to say to her. When she notices I've gone silent I'm sure she'll worry, but... I just can't deal right now.

Some space away might do you good though. I am sure she will understand if she truly cares for you.

Yeah, whew. I assume you're talking about Dream Girl. She turned up yesterday and got me talking. She's also pretty distraught.... She didn't want to make me suffer. I impressed upon her if I talk too much right now it could get destructive. She feels really bad too, and we re-affirmed that we are each other's best friend, and we're both working hard not to lose what we have just because of these goddamned feelings inside me... torturing me with desire and despair at the same time. She really does care about me a lot, and understands that I'm going to have to cut back on contact for the time being. A lot. Like I said... Sharing my heart is pointless and futile and pathetic, and sharing my thoughts and feelings right now would be a very, very bad move. She feels bad that I'm hurting so much, and I also feel bad that my feelings are hurting her, too.
My life is really **** right now. Such strong, painful feelings.... over one woman who doesn't love me, and another who does but doesn't respect me or care about me.
The pain and suffering going on inside me, it's so massive and complex... I wish it would just kill me already. And I have to trudge through my day keeping it all hidden, bottled up inside because i'm grieving over one I can't tell anyone about and playing this stupid cold-war game with the other.... God save me.

You need to find an outlet somehow, somewhere before you burst. Take it a day at a time and best wishes.

ROFL. That's what I'm doing back here haha. Suddenly those tiny windows of time I was spending on writing to my Dream Girl are free for the time being. Since my wife caught me and read some of those I don't dare contact DG or visit EP at home. Ever since she's been watching me closely, often trying to surprise me... Making bitter comments about me, trashy remarks about DG and she labeled me a cheater. I didn't realise at the time she'd been dating another nan in private for months already so I took my medicine, replaced the brand-new phone she smashed to bits in her fit of jealous rage, told her she has every right to be angry, and accepted the label since I am in fact doing something behind her back. Even though I don't really believe I deserve it, because I told her well before any of this started that her neglect and abuse were no longer tolerable and I was no longer willing to stay in this relationship. So technically I'm still married to her but I officially announced being done with that. She did not. So yeah. What I did was wrong... I guess. But which one of us is really the cheater? She wants me to stay so bad she resirted to blackmail, yet she's dating another man - and innocently or not, she's doing so without my knowledge or consent. And she started doing so since well before either of us was willing to give up. I believe strongly it's part of what pushed me to the point of not wanting to stay married, where I became desperate enough to find a support group, and became vulnerable to giving my heart away to someone else. None of this would have happened if she would only have addressed how unhappy I was the way things were and wanted desperately to fix the relationship. Shs never showed any more interest than what would keep me from giving up.

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ohh. my

Oh yeah. It can be a lot of "fun" when it's really really over but only for one. I'll post an update tomorrow when I have some private time on a real keyboard.