Please Help Me
Well, you all are the first people who I have ever talked to about this. My family and everybody around me thinks that my marriage is fine. That is the hardest part about this whole thing. I feel that when I'm out in public I have to fake it and pretend that everything is great with me and wife but that is not the case. You see I am Mormon and I live in Provo, UT. Every Sunday we go to meet with our congregation and I see all of the others couples that seem so happy. It is hell every time we go to church to say the least. But the reason I don't just get up and leave my marriage is that I guess I am just to scared of what others will think about me. Even if I never see them again for some reason those feelings of people talking and me and my failed marriage keep me in this nightmare.
Now, let me tell me about my wife. I swear she is a good person. And a lot of the time she is really good to me and I can tell that she cares. But there is another side to her. A side that scares me. I mean I am really scared of her when she turns into this other person. Last night everything seemed like it was fine. We were in the car and we stopped to get some gas. She said that she needed to go to the bathroom and she wanted me to go with her. The thing is, I could see from where I was pumping the gas all the way to where the bathroom was. I told her that I would just keep on eye on her while I pumped the gas. It was about 3:00 in the morning so I did not have much energy or patience either. Well that made her go crazy and after she came from the bathroom she accused me of the same old crap. She said that I never do anything nice for her and that I am never going to change. I was not in the mood to fight with her and so I just kept my mouth shut and I did not respond. Now I am not saying that I'm perfect but I think I'm an all right guy and I am pretty laid back. I have never had a problem getting along with anybody and so even though I am not saying that I'm perfectly innocent I also don't think that I have any extremely negative behaviors that would justify her treating me like this. So anyway, today she has said that she is going to ignore me for now on. We went to Church (which is three hours!!) and she did not say a word to me and then she told me that he wanted to walk home by herself. Now let me remind you that this is all because I did not walk her to the bathroom last night.
To me honest, I want out of this thing. I almost start to cry every time I even think about a divorce but there are times when I believe that it is the only way for me to be happy. I mean we fight a least once a week and a lot of time they are horrible fights that even make me contemplate suicide. Another thing that really prevents me from leaving her is that I truly care about her and I don't want to hurt her. Also, I promised her family that I was going to be a good husband and that I was always going treat their daughter with love and respect. I don't want to go back on my promise. Also divorce is strongly looked down upon in my church and I am extremely afraid of the shame and embarrassment that such an act would cause me. But I'm telling you this girl is crazy sometimes, I mean absolutely nuts! Once we got in a fight and she took the car and left and did not come back until later the next morning. When we fight she resorts to name calling and calling me that a selfish jerk. However, when we are not fighting she will constantly tell me how great I am and how lucky she is.
So please help me I really need it. Like I said I have not shared these feelings with anybody and I need some help.