Please Help Me

Well, you all are the first people who I have ever talked to about this. My family and everybody around me thinks that my marriage is fine. That is the hardest part about this whole thing. I feel that when I'm out in public I have to fake it and pretend that everything is great with me and wife but that is not the case. You see I am Mormon and I live in Provo, UT. Every Sunday we go to meet with our congregation and I see all of the others couples that seem so happy. It is hell every time we go to church to say the least. But the reason I don't just get up and leave my marriage is that I guess I am just to scared of what others will think about me. Even if I never see them again for some reason those feelings of people talking and me and my failed marriage keep me in this nightmare. 

Now, let me tell me about my wife. I swear she is a good person. And a lot of the time she is really good to me and I can tell that she cares. But there is another side to her. A side that scares me. I mean I am really scared of her when she turns into this other person. Last night everything seemed like it was fine. We were in the car and we stopped to get some gas. She said that she needed to go to the bathroom and she wanted me to go with her. The thing is, I could see from where I was pumping the gas all the way to where the bathroom was. I told her that I would just keep on eye on her while I pumped the gas. It was about 3:00 in the morning so I did not have much energy or patience either. Well that made her go crazy and after she came from the bathroom she accused me of the same old crap. She said that I never do anything nice for her and that I am never going to change. I was not in the mood to fight with her and so I just kept my mouth shut and I did not respond. Now I am not saying that I'm perfect but I think I'm an all right guy and I am pretty laid back. I have never had a problem getting along with anybody and so even though I am not saying that I'm perfectly innocent I also don't think that I have any extremely negative behaviors that would justify her treating me like this. So anyway, today she has said that she is going to ignore me for now on. We went to Church (which is three hours!!) and she did not say a word to me and then she told me that he wanted to walk home by herself. Now let me remind you that this is all because I did not walk her to the bathroom last night. 

To me honest, I want out of this thing. I almost start to cry every time I even think about a divorce but there are times when I believe that it is the only way for me to be happy. I mean we fight a least once a week and a lot of time they are horrible fights that even make me contemplate suicide. Another thing that really prevents me from leaving her is that I truly care about her and I don't want to hurt her. Also, I promised her family that I was going to be a good husband and that I was always going treat their daughter with love and respect. I don't want to go back on my promise.  Also divorce is strongly looked down upon in my church and I am extremely afraid of the shame and embarrassment that such an act would cause me. But I'm telling you this girl is crazy sometimes, I mean absolutely nuts! Once we got in a fight and she took the car and left and did not come back until later the next morning. When we fight she resorts to name calling and calling me that a selfish jerk. However, when we are not fighting she will constantly tell me how great I am and how lucky she is.

So please help me I really need it. Like I said I have not shared these feelings with anybody and I need some help. 


Thank you

elvato elvato
4 Responses Jun 28, 2009

My suggestion would be to find a good marriage counselor. Every Couple fights. And most people resort to saying mean things when they get their feelings hurt. It is a defense mechanism. It sounds like your wife is overly sensitive. Which is fine. Some people are like that, but counseling can teach her how to communicate what she wants and needs from you in a less abusive way.

I understand... I know the culture well. I have been married 23 years... not horrible years but definitely some very hard ones, and I find in my later years, now that the kids are older... I have some serious resentments that I could not even begin to address at the time because... there was so much to deal with! We were broke we were having babies, buying a house, proving our solid relationship to the family and ward.. filling callings working together... I've been waking up the last few years to the realization that I'm not sure I even like him sometimes. I love him... he's a good man, been a great provider. Everything I have he gave me... but he doesn't want me to go back to school, get a job, join a gym lest I just send the family right to hell for not being here. Hello? Is this not my mortal experience as well? Can I grow and develop outside the ward family? But yes... divorce means you lose everything in your community. Our last fight was last night over dinner at Red Robin. I told him I looked up joining a community choir... so I can be 'part' of something and meet new people. He got mean, then he accused me of not appreciating what I have, then he denied saying things he said... the next morning after a 4 hour tearful exchange, to which he made fun of me and told me I was psychotic and needed to repent, he finally admitted he was threatened about me adding something new to 'our' life. This all had me... as you say fantasizing about packing up my things and starting a new life... feeling like death is the only escape I can look forward to.... I have asked for marriage counseling and he said "Go get yourself some then!" He got humble after that and wanted to work things out so... that is how bad he doesn't want counseling. I still really really do! Sometimes I can't stand to watch him eat. He leaves the room when I chew ice. He punishes me for playing on my computer or talking on the phone when he is home by withdrawing all affection... until 'he' wants some of course then it is time to pull together. So yes, how can you escape a marriage you are trapped in. in THIS culture when you know God is not going to encourage or bless breaking up a family just because you are to miserable and relationally challenged with your eternal companion. Eternity... so my attitude about that is pretty bad right now.

uh oh! im sorry you are having to go through this. :(<br />
all marrages and couples DO fight sometimes, its the way it goes. <br />
but she is wrong to be treating you this way. from what you have written here it seems that you were not doing anything too out of order (but naturally i dont know both sides of your story). <br />
if she gets into these moods alot it might be down to hormones? does she get depressed? maybe she has some issues she needs to sort out. <br />
on the other hand communication is a big key factor too. but i can understand that this can be difficault when you feel trapped in everyones expectations and what people believe are right and wrong.<br />
i agree with 'Lemony214' maybe speaking to a relationship councelor may help you to sort out the problems you have been having.

I wish I had some answers for you. I do know life is to short to be unhappy. You can't worry about others at the sake of your own happiness. Have you tried to talk with your wife on exactly how you are feeling? Communication is a huge key. I know everyone suggests counseling but maybe that would help. It does not sound to me as if your marriage is completely without hope. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.