Chief Seattle, Revisited


I am a newbie here, and wrote a satirical revision of the modified Chief Seattle speech.  Do you think it is too over the top, or that it might actually make someone think?  I appreciate your thoughts.  Also, now, as I pasted, my paragraph breaks fell out of the document.


The following was based on a text which has been used by many in environmental discussions. That text was, at one time, attributed to a noble Indian chief; it adds a nice touch, albeit a complete and total fabrication. For my purposes, it source is of no consequence; its message, on the other hand, is. It is to invoke honest debate [if such a concept still exists].

Since the original text was modified, I took the liberty of modifying the modified version. Hence, the following text is mine.  I am not a noble red man (though I am a man, and I do have red blood… go figure).  I am not a chief, though I have a friend who was a Chief Master Sergeant.  My name is not Seattle, though I have flown through the airport.  Hope these are sufficient disclaimers for those of you out there who have nothing to do but point out irregularities in blogs, news articles, or government agency recommendations.

A Modified Version of the Modified Version of the Chief Seattle Speech Which Was Not Recorded at the Time but Written Years Later by a Man Who May or May Not Have Actually Witnessed the Original Speech (whew!)

[The modified version I chose to modify has the famous bit about shooting buffalo from trains.]

Modified Chief Seattle Speech

How can you not want to buy or sell the sky (FAA does it every day for the movement of air transport, the FCC does it for even the movement of sound waves), the warmth of the land (perfect for condos along the beach)?  We own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water (feel free to do as you wish with each, all that we ask is a fee), we buy and sell them at our whim (and executive order.  Everything in this country is for sale.  It goes to the highest bidder.  Those without adequate funding should keep their opinions and desires to themselves; once they are well-moneyed, then they are free to enter the discussion as to how our commonly-held public resources are to be utilized).

No part of the Earth is sacred to my people.  Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clear and humming insect is wholly in the memory and experience of my people as a product to buy and sell; a resource to exploit.  The sap which courses through the trees can be boiled into syrup, the rings of the trees can be used to manipulate data about global warming.
The white man's (i.e. ‘real’ Americans) dead never forget the country of their birth when they go to walk among the stars (we never forget our country, because we are the patriots.  We have birth certificates, and we clutch copies of the King James Version Bible in one hand, and our combination AK-57 Uzi radar laser triple-barrel double-scoped heat-seekin’ shotgun in the other).

Our dead never forget this beautiful Earth, for it is a mother (I mean that… it was a mother to manage to get this country this messed up in only 200 years… but we did it by golly).

We are part of the Earth and it is part of (we are the part that decides how the rest of the world is supposed to act, and if they don’t like it, we bomb ‘em!).

The perfumed flowers are our sisters, the deer, the horse, the great eagle, these are our brothers (and I can promise you, we love ******, ‘cause we are screwing them all).

The rocky crests, the juices in the meadows, the body heat of the pony, and the man, all belong to the same family (but families have to bend to the direction and whim of the father figure, who as the good book tells us, is a WASP).

So, when the Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes us to be responsible with our land, he asks too much of us (capitalism is built on the concept that whoever has the money makes the rules).

The Great Black Chief sends word he will provide us health care, so that we can live comfortably to ourselves, but we know he lies.  He asks to be our father and us be his children.  Sounds like socialism to me.

But it will not be easy.  For in this land, nothing is sacred to us.  This shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the repository for our effluence.  We know that if we were to be responsible with the land, it won’t stop there.  You will, most assuredly, only ask more of us later.  If we were to treat it as sacred, you would want to teach our children that it is sacred, and we will not allow you to bring such indoctrination into our Government schools*.

  • Notice they’re “Government” schools when you want to push that Hellish concept of Evolution in the curriculum, and “Public” schools when we are decrying Sex Ed, and teachin’ about abstinence [cause we Know how well that has worked so far] and God and Jesus.

You would likely search each ghostly reflection in the previously-clear water of the lakes, and tell of events of pollution by my people.  The waters murmur would voice condemnation of the tactics of my father's father (who was a champion of industry).

The rivers are not there to quench our thirst (I can go down to Wal-Mart and get all the water I need).  The rivers carried our fore-fathers canoes (jet skis and bass-boats) and now our barges (excluding those which keep running into our bridges and derailing Amtrak trains).
If we were to act responsibly with our land, you would try to indoctrinate our children that the rivers are for all people (even those of different races... even those of those darker-skinned races by golly).  We know that you people do not understand our ways.  One portion of land is the same as the next.  We can take from the land whatever we need.  The Earth is not our brother, but our enemy, and when we conquer it, we move on.  We do not care.

Our fathers are in their graves (what bearing do they have on what we do?), and our children's birthright is to do whatever they wish (with whatever is left) when we are gone.  Our mother, the Earth, will provide all (if not, we’ll go conquer that planet with those really big blue people whut rides on them birds!).  It will be here when we are gone (no resources will be left, but it will be here).  Our appetite cannot devour the Earth, we cannot make a desert.  We know what is right.

Our ways are different from yours ways; hence, you are obviously wrong.  The sight of our cities pains the eyes of the environmentalist (but where else would you go to see a Broadway show, or an NFL game live).  But perhaps it is because he is a savage and does not understand.

There is no need for a quiet place in our cities (but if you insist on quiet, go see if they have closed the local library yet for lack of funding).  None can hear the unfurling of leaves in spring (so what, there aren’t that many trees anyway), or the rustle of an insect's wings (if you do hear an insect, it’s nothing some super-toxic pesticide can’t handle).  But perhaps it is because you are a savage and do not understand.
The clatter that seems to insult the ears can be overpowered by a relatively inexpensive I-pod clone and some ear buds.  And what is there to life if a man cannot hear the lonely cry of a whippoorwill or the arguments of the frogs around a pond at night?  I mean, good lord, I could get a recording of that kind of crap any time I want off the net.

I am a red-blooded American and you do not understand.  The Indian prefers the soft sound of the incoming call to his call-center (oops, wrong Indian).  Besides, can you imagine the wind darting over the face of the pond, and the smell of the stagnant water?  But don’t worry, sometimes it can be solved by the wind itself, cleansed by a midday rain, or scented with the pinon pine Lysol.


The air is precious only “if” you breathe.  All things share the same breath - the beast, the tree, the man; which only means they are in competition with us.  Why should we worry about them?  If it is a choice between us or them, I say, let it be them.  You ask us to remember that the air is precious, that it shares its spirit with all the life it supports (did this come out of a Sierra Club brochure?).  The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath was not polluted (unless Grandpa grew up in Eastern Europe).  Once we buy all the land, we will keep apart national parks, and hold them sacred (yeah, right), as a place to smell the meadow's flowers (if you can afford our new entrance fees).

So we will do as we wish, once we buy your land.  If you try to refuse our offer, we will invoke imminent domain.  You can make no conditions – or the white man must treat you as the beasts of this land (sad to say, but it is the same way he treats his brothers).

You are but savages and do not understand our manifest destiny way.  I have seen a thousand rotting factories and plants on the prairies and by the seas, left by the white man who metaphorically shot them from a passing train as he outsourced and shipped production overseas.  You pathetic savages do not understand how the smoke from factories in Mexico and China is more important than the jobs here that you need only to stay alive (how selfish can you be).

What is capitalism without the beasts of labor and pollution?  If all the factories were gone, man would die unemployed and homeless; but their survivors could get a good deal on a t-shirt at Wal-Mart.  Who needs the spirit until they are dead; and then, who cares?  For whatever happens to business, soon happens to man.  All things are connected.

You must teach your children that the ground beneath their feet is the ashes of our grandfathers.   But the offset is, that ash, when mixed into concrete, is much more eco-friendly.  So that they will respect capitalism, tell your children that the Earth was once rich with resources, plundered by our kin.

Teach your children what we have taught our children, that the Earth is a mother.  If men spit upon the ground, (and there is a size able cross-wind) they spit upon themselves (not to mention they will get a $50 fine in some areas, and even that is nothing compared to what will happen to them if they do it in Singapore).

This we know - the Earth only belongs to the rich man – middle class man belongs to his creditors.  This we know.  All things are connected like the blood which unites one family.  All things are connected (I have felt that way ever since Bernie Madoff made off with all my investment money, and my retirement fund).

Whatever befalls the Earth – will happen far too long from now to really bother most of those old enough to now be in management.  Man did not weave the web of life (that is woman’s work) - he is merely a strand in it (a strand is a beach in Europe… why do they bring that up here?).  Whatever he does in that web, he does to future generations who won’t be able to hold him accountable.  Whatever he does in the worldwide web can be recorded and turned over to prosecutors even at the indictment stage (so remember to use NSA-approved software to erase your hard drives).  Since the NSA is recording everything to think, do, and say… it becomes a moot point, in they already have a copy from before you erased it.

Even the white man, whose God walks and talks with him as friend to friend and helps him build multi-million dollar churches and theme parks (oops, they closed that down cause of fraud), cannot be exempt from the common destiny.  Some claim we are brothers after all.  We shall see (but I’m not believing anything without a DnA test).  One thing we know, which the non-white man may one day discover - Our God can beat the cr*p out of their god.  We know that he is on our side (we invoke him at every football game as we encourage young men to go out there and kill the SOBs on the other team).  Others believe they own Him, but we know better.  He is the God of man (a lifetime member of the NRA and regularly attends the Republican National Convention… He does have the good taste to leave before the mistresses arrive, however), and His compassion is equal for any man of color and the white (but, naturally a little more compassionate toward the real Americans).
The Earth is precious to Him, but remember; to harm the Earth is to create an opportunity for more profit by cleaning it up under a sole-source no-bid government contract.  Some would heap contempt on the creators of the original harm (but that was only done to ensure future business opportunities were provided as described about capitalism in the Bible).  The whites too shall pass (primarily because more quarterbacks are of that ethnic background), perhaps sooner than all others.
But in their perishing they will ensure others perish more often (acceptable collateral damage).  You shine brightly, fired by the strength of the God who brought you to this planet and for some special purpose, and gave you dominion over this land and over all the other peoples of the earth (except those in that commie organization the UN, who have the nerve to opine that even [heaven forbid] third-world nations should have a say in world affairs).  

That destiny is no mystery to us, for we understand when the buffalo are slaughtered, the wild horses tamed, the secret corners of the forest heavy with scent of many men, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by talking wires, there will be minimum wage jobs for the masses, and multi-million dollars golden parachutes for even the most pathetic performances by CEOs.  Where is the thicket?  Gone (we put up a high-rise).  Where is the Eagle?  Gone (mmm, tastes just like chicken).  The end of life on the planet, and the beginning of a new species via evolution… hey, wait a minute.  We don’t believe in evolution.  We’re screwed.

  • This version has had minor editing by the original author on Thursday, Aug 29 3:00 a.m., and Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:30 a.m. from that found posted in the forum by Anoneymoose on Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:30 am (from the date time group of the original article and the edits, it appears AnoneyMoose suffers from Insomnia, Sleep Deprivation, or both).

anoneymoose anoneymoose
46-50, M
Aug 29, 2013