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I Want People to Share Their Poetry

Awake!

By: Oceanofdarkness
Written on November 5th, 2012
I'd graced through the zoo,
my belly was hurting,
so, I to went to the loo,
after so, I was walking,
looking and admiring the wonderful creatures,
that laid before me,
which suddenly that made me stand,
thinking of what to think,
there were darkness,
now, awake from the bliss,
I realized, I was dreaming!

=]
By: Oceanofdarkness
Age: 18-21 , Male
53 people have read this story

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2 responses
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    Tia101
    Tia101

    Hi. I am sticking to my promise. :) So, I do like your poem. Just have three suggestions. You could maybe shorten the line, "looking and admiring the wonderful creatures", so it could flow better or change it to "admiring the creatures". 3rd suggestion, you could change the line, "which suddenly that made me stand" to "suddenly made me stand". I hope this helps. Great poem :)

    Nov 5, 2012
    2 likes
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      Oceanofdarkness
      Oceanofdarkness

      Thanks for sticking to your promise.=] Oh thanks for liking my poem. Yeah you right, I should shorten the lines. Thank you, its my first one. :-) I wish I can return the favour, but no know how to. Sorry! =] Oh yeah!, thanks for talking me too.

      Nov 6, 2012
      1 like