I Have Help But I Can't Use It

I have a therapist, but I hate her. I feel like I can't be truthful. When she's asks me about my eating, I tell her I ate. And when she asks about the cutting, I say I don't have the urges. But the truth is, I'm losing weight and still cutting. I also can't tell her I want to die. I want the help, I really do! But I just can't. I don't even know why! I'm just going to do this for the rest of my life. Slowly wasting away. Dripping away. Maybe I'll drown in my own blood. Wouldn't that be fitting? And no one will even know why because I can't tell people. I can't trust! There's only two people in this world who even know everything. And I can't even bring myself to tell them exactly how I feel. I can't even begin to describe the self hatred. I can't even sit with my friends at lunch. I have to save my energy for my my happy act at home. They don't suspect a thing. Maybe that's why I hate my therapist so much. Because she makes me think of the pain. And somehow I just can't so my act in front of her. I just sit there in silence, nodding or shaking my head. The occasional answer. But it's mostly lies.
bladesilverred bladesilverred
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 9, 2011

It might not be much.... but my hobby saved me. It focused my thoughts, curbed my feelings. I grew up with everybody in my household in therapy. So when my turn came, I knew all the answers they wanted to hear. Find something that takes you away, focus on it, build on it, expand it. Find someone you can truly confide in. therapist are paid.... They claim to have good intentions.... but..... well. You know just as well as I do. If you ever need to talk, message me, I'm mainly up at night.

You are not alone in this but its understandable that you struggle with that. How can anybody possibly understand you or what you are going through. The pain you hide from others festers within aching to come out. So you cut and you don't eat.......just hoping that someone will see your silent cry for help. That someone will be able to look at you and just understand without saying a word. Somewhere someone seriously abused your trust and destroyed your faith in people. They have hurt you so deeply and yet you are filled with the shame of what happened of the secret that you hold. You feel it has marked you in the way that you mark yourself and made you into something that you are not. You are not alone, many have been there and have made it through the darkness and have found the light. You can as well. There are people you can trust, there are people you can talk too, there are people that can look at you and will instantly understand where you are coming from. People who will not judge you or think you are something that you are not. People who will be able to see the real you and help you to see that person as well. You have already taken a big step in coming here and sharing your pain, and that's how you will get through this one step at a time. It doesn't have to be big steps, they can be just tiny little ones but keep stepping and in time you will find your way past this. ((HUGS))