I'm new to this site so if I ramble please forgive me. I have tried to take care of mine and everbody else's problems.

A couple of years ago I decided to just worry about me. Yeah that didn't go so good either.

I will start at the beginning.

For the first 10 years of my sons' life we were by ourselves and because I had no one everyone was always demanding my time. Every time my sister had a child I was expected to catch a train for 4 hours and take my son out of school, he was 6 when this started. The last time I went up there her husband was so stoned he went out the back and shot their dogs. The next morning I left, she wasn't happy and kept saying he didn't know what he was doing. Um! HELLO he wouldn't know if he shot us either and my son didn't have to put up with that.

I found out years later that she had the kids christianed but I wasn't invited or asked to be a Godmother. That hurt like hell as she was coming to visit me all that time so she could get it on with a married guy in my small town.

Years later, when I was 30 I married my husband, he had been a friend of my brother for years and I had been his 4th engagement. In fact his family made the comment that they wouldn't give us a gift until they were sure he was definitely getting married.

We decided to try for a baby before we got too much older but I started having medical problems. I was poked and prodded 50,000 times, had operation after operation and they could not find why I couldn't conceive. The specialist told my husband that he should wear loose boxers and needed his ***** checked. OMG! when we got out he starting raving on about how the doctor didn't know what he was talking about and that there had to be something wrong with me. Hmmmmm seeing as I was the only one of us that had had a child yeah you could see it was my fault.

6 months later he still hadn't taken in his sample, when I asked him why not he said "do you have any idea how embarrassing that would be and he just can't go to the loo and do it. Needless to say I started crying saying how did he think I felt having every Tom, **** and Harry poking in my privates. 5 minutes later he was driving it down to the clinic. 3 years later I ended up having a hysterectomy and I was happy. Seeing as he wouldn't make love to me and when I tried to make love to him I was told I was too pushy.

Eventually we moved to a city, where we both worked shift work. Unbeknownst to me the feeling I had of wanting to drive straight into the concrete pillars was not normal (go figure). Luckily my doctor recognised the symptons and put me on medication and 20 years later I'm still on it.

But it worked and a couple of years ago I told my husband if he didn't want me I'd find someone who did, and boy did I ever.

I was smsing them and even had a couple of guys drive 4 hours for just the night. But let me tell you I couldn't go through with it and was disgusted with myself.

I want so much to live by myself but have someone who would watch TV with me and cuddle on the lounge.
We are never in the same room and haven't slept in the same bed for years.

I told my doctor that I'm just waiting for the end to come, I'm ready to go. Nobody would miss me especially my family so why stay around. I wish I had the courage to take something but at 56, diabetic, sleep apnea, depression as well as being morbidly obese I reckon I won't have too long a wait.
Kimmie56 Kimmie56
56-60, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

please don't say that about yourself. there are a lot of us women going through some of the same things as you . if you need someone to share your feeling with i am here . we might not be able to solve each other problems. but we can talk them out, maybe laugh , maybe cry. i too am the same things you mentioned add me as friend if you would like a friend . annie