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Sounds Simple Enough

I don't think it's too complicated to love someone without being given instructions. I mean, how difficult is it to show someone respect and consideration....to give affection freely...to treat them the way you want to be treated in return? To me, it's simple....love is about giving, about sharing, about compromise and partnership.

So if it's so easy for me, someone please help me understand why it is nearly impossible for my man? Why is it that he needs instructions on how to love me? Why do I have to tell him over and over again what I need from our relationship...from him? I get so tired of hearing, "I'm just a stupid guy...you have to TELL me what you want and need". I'm really fed up with the "stupid guy" excuse, because to me, that is ALL it is - an excuse, and a poor one at that.

Granted, communication is very important and sometimes we do need to verbalize these things. But when it comes to the simple basics of a romantic relationship, is it really necessary? Do men forgot so easily?

And he tells me that I'm the complicated one....I'm the one who's confusing and complex. What is so confusing and complex about wanting him to treat me the same way I treat him?

I just don't understand how it can be love, REAL love, if someone's "love" does not come from their own feelings and desires to fulfill you, but instead from being told what to do...given instructions on how to love.
LG76 LG76 36-40, F 6 Responses May 1, 2012

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I started to read this and then it dawned on me, that defeats the very title of this group...lol...so, I'm commenting without reading what you wrote....;-) ;-*

Romance is one thing. When a woman decides that moving her stuff and living with you means that things change. DO NOT ignore her or take her for granted. Listen to her. Believe it not most women are consistent in the needs, wants and desires. It is up to her partner to pay attention to her and to heed her preferences. <br />
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Never expect her to be your Mother. Don't be lazy. Pay attention to her. And take the initiative to do what needs to be done. Take out the trash. Put a spritz of WD-40 on that hinge. Check her car and put gas in it. Forget the "not my job" BS. She may have activities outside of the home. Laundry, dishes and cooking a real meal should be done on a regular basis.<br />
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Don't ever take her for granted. There is a lot more to relationships than intimacy. Talk to her and be open about things.

Hm.. well there are all sorts of people. I've always heard that males in general aren't that hmm.. detailed? in romance. It doesn't necessarily mean some of us can't or don't love, it's just that we show it differently. But of course if he's not doing much or giving enough effort so that you are satisfied, perhaps he's not that into it.<br />
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In any case, emotional/romantic/whatever or not, a guy will try to make his woman happy if he cares about her. He might not know how, but he will try anything suggested.<br />
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If you wanted to try this; you could make a list of things you would like him to do and put it somewhere he will see daily, like on the fridge or something. If he goes with it and sticks to it, good. You could divide it, like a list of things to do in the bedroom above the bed, things to do in the kitchen on the fridge, etc. Mix it up so it's not so routine and to give him options. May have to remind him that just because you say thanks now doesn't mean he can stop. If he's that sort of guy, he might see it as like 'problem solved'. If things progress well, you could remove the lists and let him decide. Be sure to give back, of course, so he knows he's doing good, and don't get mad if it's not exactly how you wanted it to be done, if he's trying- he's trying.<br />
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Err, well I'm only 19, so maybe this comment is invalid..<br />
:S

thank you for your comment, and everyone's opinions are valid here...as long as they are stated nicely ;)
I have done the list thing...written little post-it notes...ect. And I don't ask him, or even expect him to clean anything...just pick up after himself...say please and thank you...acknowledge me when I hug him or hold his hand....it's very simple stuff.... But, for some reason, no matter how much I communicate my needs, he simply doesn't "get it". :(

Ooh... :S maybe he's forgotten how great romance is?

I am sorry ...I am going to stick behind LG here and say ..hogwash..SO it is OK for men to use the excuse that they are not emotional . I am sure LG does not automatically assume all men should get and understand what her idea of love is...as well as I do not either..but I think she has been weith her man long enough that he should have a pretty good idea of it..seeing as how she seems to have communicated it enough times to him for him to now know. Same goes for me.. Communication is important and we communicate our needs...we have to communicate them more than once? how many times?... Apparently in my home daily....because about an hour after it is communicated ...it has been forgotten...I think what we seek is not over the top..and that men are truly capable of these things ..on their own...so why is it we have to change and tell you what we want...but you are able to continue to use the excuse of not being attentive and affectionate etc...without a helping hand or a go get 'em tiger? Seems rather unfair to me.... when you are first beginning a relationship it seems this is the case..needing to put our there what you expect or need or want...but after being together for so long ...it seems these things should be known of each other...this is my opinion...

Did you ever watch the movie "Up?"

I think what cuppa was saying is there is a bit of that dog in all of us........."SQUIRREL!" (and remember...I am on LG's side as well)

It was not what cuppa said... and no
I have not seen that movie...

I made the clip my sttus.

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thanks sweetie...I think one would have to walk in our shoes to really understand what we mean. I was not expecting this story to start such an outrage....I was referring to my man...not all men in general!

lol i did not either...but wow ...apparently we were wrong...lol

apparently. I deleted copper's comment....I don't need to bother with people who have to assert their opinion in a negative manner.... I'm not playing that game anymore.

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Interesting story. And very thoughtfully written. I understand your basic notion of love LG. Sorry to say this, but don't automatically assume it for everyone; the idea of love is so varied, and for some people, they might refer to love as basically a sexual connection and not much more. I think deeper connections require communication simply because of the differences people have. A respectful loving couple will take that communication as a way of giving more appropriately to their partner, out of their loving feelings. Not everyone feels the same way about love and partnerships though. Sorry to say this too, but we men can be infamously insensitive emotionally, and appear deliberately neglectful of our partner, when indeed it may be that we are so overwhelmed, for example with stress from work that we've not properly unwound from, that we might unintentionally cause a feeling of neglect. It really saddens me whenever I read of partnerships in which this intimacy and loving communication is absent. For me it has always been an essential in any relationship; and is to this day.

Thank you CopperCoil. It is an honour indeed. I have often found great wisdom in what you say on here - though of course we won't always agree, and may not even on the details here :)

LG, your particular man, I have read about and said much about. In brief I was quite relieved when you seemed to have decided to leave him, and it doesn't surprise me, some of the detail you give here. I was speaking here in general terms about love, and partnerships, and the need for communication. Even if you get into a relationship on which what might for you be basics, but for many might not, are agreed upon, I still think that that is the consequence of good choosing and should not be an automatic expectation; also that communication and intimacy should still be strong; though on that I think we agree?

I have the same problem... Why do I need to tell you ALL the time.....and not only in the area of romnce but in the bedroom and in every day tasks...whats the point...it sometimes feels like i am his mother instead of his wife/partner..... and as well had these issues in other relationships (mostly the romance area though)...I am unsure of any advice ..as i too want to know why..and i too am frustrated by this....<br />
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as well....Is it me or would you not think after 10 years of being with someone that they would know certain things about you...i know what my husband likes to eat at each place we go..but he constantly will go out to get us food and bring me the wrong thing...seriously?...you do not know what i eat by now? ..small , tiny little thing...really in the big picture is not meaningful but in my mind...does he not pay attention to me AT ALL?...<br />
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I could go on for days here...but i will not hijack your story! just wanted to offer my support!<br />
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love ya!

hijack away sweetie! and I know exactly what you're saying and how you feel. Yet, when you try to explain it to them, they only see that they brought the wrong food, NOT the fact that after a decade they still do not know simple things, which is an huge flashing sign saying, "I pay NO attention to you...I don't know you at all".
I hear you girl....and no advice from me either, but we can vent to each other and at least we know someone out there "gets it". xoxo

OK copper...seriously you are just being an *** for the sake of being an ***....if you dislike this post then move on..otherwise why not say something that has a little meaning instead of acting like a 12 year old child