It's As If Women Fall From The Sky

When I was in high school -- 11th or 12th grade, I had never been on a date. I had no girlfriends. I had girls who were friends, but no girlfriends. It didn't seem to matter how romantic I was -- nothing. Eventually, I asked one of my friends -- a girl I had a thing for -- what girls wanted.

"They want someone who listens," she said. I have tried to live by those words ever since.

Still it was hard for me to find girlfriends. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. I wanted to be a bad boy. A bad ***. The kind of guy that women would swoon over.

Not much luck. Still, I got someone to marry me. A few years back, though, my marriage started going South. My wife and I grew more and more estranged. Sex diminished to once every three or four months or so. I was dying. I was lonely and horny. I was committed to my wife anyway. I wanted to be with my kids. But I just couldn't figure out what to do and finally, I thought that having an affair might be the thing.

First I had a Craigslist experience that scared the **** out of me. I ended up ******* some incredibly ugly woman who lived in an unsavory neighborhood. That scared the bejesus out of me. I couldn't believe how low I would go for sex. I went to get a marriage counselor to see if I could work things through with my wife, but she didn't like him, and so we dropped it.

Then I discovered Q&A websites. I enjoyed them immensely. I loved answering questions. I was good at it. Best of all, I could use the questions to troll for potential lovers. I started doing so and within a few months I had had as many affairs -- virtual affairs. Chat sex, phone sex and video sex. Very exciting to me. I thought I loved the women, and perhaps I did.

It got so that I could tell, by the way a woman wrote me the first time, whether I could have her or not. Still, being new to this kind of success, I had to take every woman who offered herself to me.

It was weird, because at the same time I was making an effort to rebuild my marriage. My head was in two places at once. Looking for a lover to replace my wife at the same time as trying to negotiate with my wife to become the lover I wanted. I made progress with my wife, and at a certain point, I felt like I had a good marriage again. I was faithful to her again.

Then not one, but two women fell out of the sky at the same time. It was as if I had learned nothing. It was as if I had no self-esteem all over again. I started up with both of them. One took herself out of the picture quite soon, but the other woman was much different from every other woman I've ever been with. She loves sex. She's like me. She's like my wife will never be. I feel free with this woman. I feel like we could make it for the long haul.

But I have a family. I have children who need me. I don't really want a divorce, but that's mainly because it is convenient to be married. There is a lot to lose in a separation. And I do love my wife. But I can't imagine ever being happy with her. Only with my lover.

But my lover is married too, and wants to reconcile with her husband. She doesn't say that, but she behaves that way. She wants me, too. She wants to have a little roll in the hay every few months or so. I think she loves the intrigue. She even screwed up and let her husband catch her. Was that an accident? Or a subconscious plan to let him feel the competition?

I do love her. I feel like I would do anything for her. Anything except share her with her husband. I want her for myself. But she doesn't want that. So I am using that as an excuse to cut it off. Cut it off even though I don't want to end it. But this situation is making me and my wife miserable.

I don't know if I can fix my marriage. I'm going to try. Maybe I'll end up in a divorce this time. That would not be good. I think I would stop caring about myself. I haven't been without a lover in thirty years. I don't do well alone.

I believe that women fall from the sky because I am married. When I'm not married, I think there will be a long drought with nothing in the sky. Who knows?

I think a lot of people will think I'm evil or stupid or both. At least immoral. I should have left my wife long ago in order to try these other things. Instead I cheated on her. I lost her trust and yet she took me back. But she doesn't know I've started again.

At this point I feel like I'll always be looking, so why try to make it work with my wife? I must have some hope. Or maybe some small vestige of responsibility to others makes me stay. But I also feel like it is not responsible to myself to live in misery, feeling alone and hopeless. I have bipolar disorder. Some day those feelings will take me down and I won't get out. Soon after that, I'll die. That would be pretty irresponsible. So I think it is important to stop being lonely. I hope I can do that. Preferably being as happy as I am when I am with my lover.
Attatyme Attatyme
51-55, M
Jun 14, 2011