I Want Love, But I'm Incapable Of Loving

Apart from my parents- who only love me because they have to- I've never been loved.  I've always yearned for a true friendship or someone who I can grow old with.  Throughout high school, I've met some people who are my best friends to this day...

However, over those years, I've hit some really bad spots of course.  After two suicide attempts, I've lost a good deal of my friends.  After succumbing to drug/alcohol addiction, I lost even more friends.  These were good people who cared about me, and because of what I did I'm never gonna get them back.

I'm still struggling with some mental issues, but drugs and alcohol are out of the picture for good.  I've been getting more into taking long walks- anything to get me away from my dad's alcoholism.  I use my walking to mull things over and reflect on things. 

Today, when I was taking a walk, I came to the realization that my friends' leaving was due to my incapability to love.  I did some selfish and stupid thngs, things I probably never would've done if I truly loved these people.  I don't know if I'm ever gonna live these things down, but I have no choice but to face the fact that I can't love.  I want it, but I can't give it.

Anyways, this is my first post.  Probably not great, but it's my feelings on the subject.

TherapyIs4TheWeak TherapyIs4TheWeak
26-30, M
7 Responses Mar 9, 2010

everyone makes mistakes...

that sounds like me......

Everyone *can* love -- but some find it easy to do, and others find that it takes real work to overcome your history and love/trust in spite of past experience.

I think that everyone is capable of loving another. Just the fact that you felt guilt and was sad about losing your friends shows that you loved them or at least cared for them which is a step forward. Everyone makes mistakes, some mistakes are bigger than others but its good that you realized your faults and changed it.<br />
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Best of luck to you. Don't lose hope and faith.

I would caution you to ask yourself "what does it mean to love another person" - we throw around the word "love" a lot, but until we define what it means for us we're susceptible to fooling ourselves into THINKING we don't love others when in fact we do. I don't know if this is true for you, but it might be worth checking out.

Love is complicated and not easy to come by. It's very possible that it just hasn't found you yet. You're not an old man, so it's very likely. <br />
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It's great that you have something to provide time for personal reflection, but with my experiences, I've learned that you can't completely trust the things you tell yourself in those times. They're more like initial beliefs, but if you spent too long of a time thinking about it, you'll come up with something negative.<br />
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Just don't lose faith quite yet.

How do you know that you aren't going to get your old friends back?<br />
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Love is a fairly grey area. I heard a quote once that said that love is the glue that holds together. I kind of like that because it allows to see that love is everywhere!<br />
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I'm guessing that your conclusion that you have an incapacity to love was a rash one. It quite a fatalist view to have of yourself. They always say tht you have to love yourself before you can love others!<br />
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I hope your feeling a bit brighter since you wrote this story!