No One To Talk To, Emotional Abuse From Wife

Its been about 5 years now that things went south. Things got worse after the birth of our 2nd child and even worse after the third. I can't do anything right, she's always wanting to argue, she flips out over a drop of water on the floor. The dishes HAVE to be placed a certain way in the drainer. She never comes right out and says how horrible I am but she says little things like you could have done that better, or thats not waht I wanted. Just do what I ask and NOT what you think I want done.

 Then she tells me that its all me, Ido these thing TO HER! I think I am going crazy...

 

Searcher

Searcher1967 Searcher1967
41-45, M
10 Responses Feb 12, 2010

jj mack if ur not happy then leave

wat is ocd? and y didnt u leave her

Thanks jj mack! I am even afraid to really talk to my best friend of 27 years about her. I think that since I have all my stuff packed up she is getting worried that I might leave. She has been nice the past two days, leaving "appreciation notes" . Yet, yesterday she had to tell me how to mix and heat the baby's food! Instead of mixing the ingredients together and then heating, I have to mix cereal with water then heat, then I have to heat the food part, be it fruit/veg or meat, then mix it all togetherand THEN I can feed it to her. I can't just mix it all together in the bowl, heat it and feed her!

Searcher,<br />
I too, suffer emotional abuse at the hands of my wife. I can so identify with everything you are saying. I am contemplating leaving, but find the kids are the one issue that makes me stay... so far. But, I am quickly reaching a point where I will leave anyway. I say all this just to let you know that you are not alone and you have support here!

Oh, I must mention, she says that SHE pays all the bills... Please note, Even though I stay home with my kiddos, I still put more money in the bank a month than she does! We are NOT living off her income alone. 5,000.00 would not be a problem to get away, what concerns me is ******* it away on attorney fees and the like! I don't want to wind up in a court battle that takes my money and still leaves me without my kids and family!

Thats what is keeping me here, the kids! The oldest has told her he wants to go with me, I have no intention of leaving any child behind. She told me that I could have everything, the house, the boys but I cannot have HER daughter!!. Thats another thing, She say's she pays all the bills, they are HER kids, this is her car her house her her her, she does everything. She act as if I do nothing but watch soaps and eat bon bons all day! I remind her that since she has met me she has not spent a dime on house repairs, car repairs, yard work etc. I do everything like that. I put in a woodstove which saved HER 2000 a year in oil costs! Now, heating the house only costs 400 all winter! But does she mention that, NO! Does she mention that her oil has been changed, or that the yard is very well maintained. Nope NOT ONCE, oh she tells me how she "brags" about me to everyone, but Ijust tell her that means nothing to me, you can tell everyone but its what you tell me that counts! She completely ruined our 3 y/o routine, Now I cannot get him to sleep on time for naps or night night! While he was away , she got this bright idea to move him from his own room to a shared room with his 8 y/o brother... I kept trying to tell her the age difference to too much. I think he should have stayed in his room for at least another year.<br />
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Anyway, My lil girl is up and crying my3y/o says he made a mess, I got work to do!!! ''<br />
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THANK YOU for aloowing me to vent to someone, I am so afraid to talk to anyone around here that she might get wind of it!<br />
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Thanks again

From experience of divorce and kids, take all the kids and leave, or leave all the kids together and leave. Eventually kids group up and come back to you. If fact ask the wife if she want the kids cause you are leaving. You will be surprise of the answer. A little hint, have at least $5,000 handy to start over at a new place.

Thats ok, You gave me alot of useful information. She is defiantely very very controlling. Its too bad that she will not see a DR for this cause it seems like she would greatly benefit from meds.. You sound like a great husband and father for having put up with this kind of behavior. And I thought I was controlling....hahaha. The thing with the money, asking you what you spent it on, I sort of do that with my husband, but because Im very frugal and I sometimes think he spends without thinking. Even though he is the one who makes the money, I have to feel control over it. <br />
But anyways back to you, Im worried about the kids, if you were to leave, dont you think she will turn that controlling attention to the children, Im sorry Im not trying to make you feel guilty about the decision to leave, just giving you something to think about. <br />
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About taking the oldest, dont know if the would be a good choice, I would take them all. Imagine what the others will feel with that action of you choosing to take the oldest and not them. You know what I'm saying? <br />
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Good Job on the camping trip, she woud of made it a horrible time, I find. Good decision to take your son and have that time with him and your friends. We love to go camping as well, even though my husband cant seem to go on a camping trip without having to drink, he will dring 2 wine bottles in one night, of course he ends up drunk and passed out.<br />
But again back to you, let me know what you think about what I said

Well, wwe have been together since 99, even in the beginning she had a touch of OCD, but because we lived seperately for the first two years I really didn't noticed it too bad. Then we got married and she had "certain" ways that things needed to be done. IE Laundry had to be done work clothes, then reg dark, then reg lights, then whites then a complete rinse then baby clothes. There were other things that led me to believe she had slight OCD, but nothing I couldn't live with. Then, we moved to another state at her request. (Divide and conquer) When ever I wanted to go back home to see my family or friends, it was "we don't have the gas money, or He's not really your friend or he would....."<br />
At first we had seperate bank accounts then she said it would be easier to have all the money go to just one account so that she could take care of all the bills from one account. Made sense to me, Only it was her name only account, and she had the only debit card. I had to and still do ask for money, then I get "money, for what, why do you need that etc...." I had no acess to any money, UNTIL I applied for and received a gas card then a CC and other forms of money access, then she got really mad!!!! When my Toyota died, she said "we can get by with one car, we'll be fine" and we were, until I wanted to go somewhere! Then my parents retired and gave me a new car they had bought but no longer needed. Again my wife was mad, she kept telling me how it was costing us MORE money to maintain two vehicles, but what made even madder was that I put it only in my name. It seemed to me that the more independence that I TOOK the worse she got. <br />
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Then last year I got laid off (we both worked @ the same place, she got me the job there, kind of) but she too got laid off, but for only two days. I got called back two months later. But she kept telling me how everyone there hated me and they got me fired!! But I knew I was laid off with countless others. When they called me back , she kept twlling me how bad it was there and that they wouldn't give me the shift that I wanted ETC. needless to say she convinced me to stay home with the children. Whcih I have NO PROBLEM with. She made it look so good for me to stay home! <br />
Now, its nothing but fight, argue fight, make up fight argue make up. She always tells me how its all me, I'm the one who is creating the problems and if I would only do what she wants we would be fine. If I try to clean up a room in the house she would get pissed and tell me "Thats not what I wanted you to do!!!" Just do what I ask and not what you think I want!<br />
Right now I have all my stuff from the house packed except for my clothes! The bulk of my stuff is in the garage, sporting goods and tools and woodshop stuff! So all I have to do is get a U haul back up to the garage, load and go! BUT we have the kids, The oldest WANTS to go with me and has told her so, but she secretly tells him things that makes him sad! Like I'm taking you away fom mommy. <br />
What made her flip out last week was when our 3 y/o came home from a week vist with his aunt in another state, her and I were both in the living room and when he came through the door, he locked on me and with tears in his eyes he came running to me saying I missed you daddy, He completely passed by her to get to me and I think that is what set her off this time. <br />
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I love my wife, she is (WAS) perfect and we clicked right away, we did everything together and build a bond. Now that I look back it seems that she was building my cell! I really do WANT this to work out, but she will not accept that she has a problem, she WILL NOT see a Dr nor take meds. She will not allow me to talk to anyone abour her! I cannot change her, I did talk to my DR, who is our family Dr that she has never seen. I am on Valium! I go no where and because my wife does nothing but yell the few friends that I made here no longer come over, we all used to go camping but they won't anymore, we planned a "family camping trip" last fall, but at the last minute she started an argument and I left her home! My oldest son and I still went and I called my freind, told him about the fight and that I left her, he came up that night and we had a great camping trip!<br />
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Sorry for running on and on but as I said, I have no one to talk to

Hello Searcher,<br />
You mention how this happend after the birth of the children, especially after the last one. Do you think she went thru post partum depression? Do you think she is going thru depression now. How long have you been married? Sounds like you are trying to help and she is not valuing that. Also maybe she isnt happy with herself and so therefore she puts you down.