My Parents Are Forcing Me To Do Arrange Marriage

I am a 23 year old girl, I love to talk n I think talking to random persons give me strength to be strong, strange!!! I got fed up of talking to my surrounding people and I have realized that it will sooner or later effect my image. So I have found this site n hopefully it will help me to share my personal issues without damaging my image.
I am in love with a guy n want to marry him. He wants the same. Problem is, his family have no problem with this marriage but my parents are not accepting this marriage. I and my boyfriend do not belong to same cast. My parents think that if they will accept marriage, society will never accept them. Everybody will taunt them that u people are not able to keep your daughter under limits. I am an Indian and this is one of the dark side of Indian culture. I told them how i feel about my boyfriend and how his family is ready to accept me. Instead of listing me they have fixed my marriage to another guy and the worst part I even don't know his name. My parents are pressurizing me like hell to accept theirs decision. They have gone to extreme extent to change my decision. I live in hostel and they told me that u are not invited in this house anymore. U are not our daughter, we will imagine that u have died. It has been five days they have not talked to me. I don't know how to convenience them but I am determined on my decision to marry my boyfriend. plz help!!!!!
6kareena 6kareena
22-25, F
19 Responses Dec 22, 2012

Hi kareena ..i m goin through same situation ..u hv written dis post in 2012 ..hw is everything now

Hi my name is leila from South sudan but have been living in Australia for the past 9 years with my mum and my siblings and uncles I'm kind going through what you went through to be honest it's tough😪 it's all started one week after I finished high school there's this guy that's like 31 year old and I'm only 18 I've known this person for like since I was a kid he used to come over my house then out of nowhere my uncle called me inside my room and told me that this guy wants to marry you and I think he's a good guy Ive known him I was so angry and confused I respond in an angry that I can't do it I never sees him like I don't have that connect with him secondly I just finished high school I mean I came here for a reason to achieve my dreams to get education first I can't be married he kept going on about it begging me and all that my mum didn't hear about it yet she heard about it the next day she starting convincing me and telling all this what she went through for us and I still refused because same thing arrange marriage happened to my sister before she end up accepting their decision and marry the guy three years later her husband was killed now she all left alone so I told my mum let me marry someone I chose someone I love don't you learn from what my sister went through from that day she stayed mad at me and threatening me of returning me back to Africa they kept going anyways they took the dowry from the guy without my permission after I heard they took the dowry I went and swore at the guy and I disrespected him and he forward all the messages to my uncle after I came home from school they all start beating me up my face was ruined I couldn't see for days my stomach was hurt couldn't walk properly I friends came over because they knew what I was going through and I haven't spoken to them for two days so they came over my place unexpected they saw me looking like that one of them start crying and asking me what happened but i couldn't tell her so I just kept everything to myself I though I could do but I can't I'm abuse because of this guy everytime I see him I get so angry... Now their plan is to take to Africa and do the wedding there but I can't do
IF it means I will let them down I'll do it
I'm just not sure what to do
I'm so depressed I've lost so much weight I was a size 14 now I'm down to size 10
Please do help me I'm at my darkest

Hey girl,

I'm kind of like you, except it has not started yet, but is slowly. Tbh, I don't understand why they believe in satisfying the so called 'society' and do not care the sake of their children's well being. It's always what society says and funnily enough it's society that's leading to severe issues/suicide..etc. According to region where my family is from, I'm "late" to get married as you're supposed to be married and have kids by 24. And second of all, there's never enough time to know your potential suitor as they rush you. Arranged marriage to someone you barely know does not suit me. And I cannot tolerate a husband who is extremely chauvinistic, narrow minded and think women are nothing but sex toys. Just go ahead and marry him. Your parents will be upset,but to honest, if you show them that your marriage is strong, they will come to terms with it.

Arrange Marriage Against Girls wish is Equal to Rape..Even my Girlfriend is in the same Situation...!!!

thats rubbish really

same problem with my girlfriend. can u please suggest me to what u did for this problem?

Relax!!! If you are not relaxed you cant talk in a convincing manner. Don't be cross or agitated by what your parents are forcing you to do. they believe that what they are telling you to do is absolutely correct. You just need to repeatedly convey your right version without any arguments, in a respectful, requesting way.... I have seen stones melting. Parents are soft inside they just set boundaries on their children to protect them.

Hi I'm Bengali and understand what u r going through but do what you want try to make them see that cast doesn't matter I wish you the best of luck but remember that your family is trying to do what they think is best for you even though it's wrong

This is exactly what my father is expert at dealing with.

hey Karina..... do what your heart tells you..... you need to take decision based on your needs and do not succumb to pressure. i know what u are facing. both u and your boy friend need to be strong and decide.. i would say go ahead but before that make sure that the guy would stand by you in all odds... good luck!!!!

Hi! Kareena, I'm sorry 4 ur situation. Most of the Indian parents are really very "concerned" for their image, I would also suggest U to choose the love of ur life, & want to know that are you married now with ur bf ?
Dear, I must say that U r really lucky that ur BF is not leaving U in this hard situation.
May Allah help U & showers his blessings on both of U.
I'm also in a situation like U, but my Love is afraid of continuing this relationship :'(

simple solution Get marry in court or get an help from woman NGO

India is so sick today . If I was in your shoes , I will marry the guy your love . Even at the cost not seeing any family member for the rest of my life. Cast , dowry , corruption , arranged marriages, greed, apathy, killing women, rape, are much greater sins than suffering from leprosy .

yup u r totally right.....

Arrange marriage is equal forced marriage and sex in forced marriage is equal with rape. Women in such arrangement's are reduced to commodity and that's not wonder that there is so many rape cases in India.

you have to ensure that your boyfriend is perfect guy for you , before you move with him. and as far as law are considered in india , you cant trust on law and courts , before you take a strong decision ,make sure of every negative thing which can possibly happen with . Like will your boyfriend be enough strong to hold your hand in unfavourable situation .....and when you fell you are right , then go with your decision , and as you told your parents can go for anything for their own sake , u can not trust them anymore. All you can do is just take a hard decision and stand with it , and more importantly think about your safety , trust less people ,and am not making you afraid , its india and i think you understand the reality .......may god favor you and give you strength ...........

I really appreciate ur answer and yes I have considered every aspect of this situation......hopefully I will get married (court marriage) by this march. This is my boyfriend's parents the time I am focusing on my studies.......

thanx for suggestion but I have already chosen somebody for me.....

I am not the one who is after somebody else, have fun, pass time and leave the person. And get married with parents choice in order to prove how good I am.

I do things responsibly.....

oh my god!!!!! u are a one sick swine....... and whoever will eat ur meat.......u will make him sick.........u are not good in any sense........

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Many have suggested, but my small suggestion is “think of your parents before U think of your love”. Your Boy Friend have come recently, but your parents are there from the beginning and I am sure their will have a right choice for you. Do not hurt them and try to convince and give up.

me and my boyfriend are in 5 years long relationship, which is hard to see in today's time........when I needed my family they were not there but my boyfriend was there, I was sick, everybody has lost hope on parents didn't realize that through what things I was going, they didn't come to see me, they were taking it very casually.......but my boyfriend was the one who took care of me for the whole one year and only because of me now I am normal and world can't believe me that this is the same was only one incident I have tones of incident like this.......

Care & love began for YOU from you parents, when you were in your mother womb is what I believe … They gave us all, dress, joy, love, education, money etc … Now, just for 5 year Teen age love, ignoring the parents and thinking that your BF is better than them doesn’t make sense … Now u will not realize the love of your parents, but I am sure you will understand after 1 or 2 years after you married life (if you marry your loved once).

Just to let you know, that I have close 7 friends … 5 boys and 2 girls.
We enjoyed the life to the maximum, but out of 7, 5 of them fell in love and 2 remained without partner. I know one of my friend was almost I love for 7 years and 4 married the loved once by force and 1 guy ignored for the sake of parents … Now, in my group, all are married, including me.

Compared to Love life, arrange marriage was good and still remain the same. Out of 4 love marriage, 2 is already devoiced and 2 is in the stage of breaking up … Reason, simple, the expectation was high in time of love and they were able to see only good things among them, whereas, after marriage, they were able to see the secret life with all good and bad … True face.
But all 3 arrange marriages are still loving and happiness, because the love started late and mind is matured to reality before we started recognizing the negative points in life… So, we ignore negative think and move on positive things. Also, parents are so happy with us, I am sure that will come till death …

So take a right decision, I am not trying to convey you to forget you BF, but trying to tell you that you should give the 1st preference to parents …. Because you will be a mother in near future. Thanks for your time.

to smthshekar......If u are going by examples like u have given me, I can give u too. My idea of marriage is without knowing a person how can u get married. U want to name it love marriage, name it. U think arranged marriage go last long, it is bull ****. They start with compromising for the sake of two family and they continue for the sake of family.
Why?????? because there are set of rules in arrange marriage wife should do this thing and husband should do that.......u are talking about love......I don't see love at all.....they are just doing what they have been told to do........seems like they are manufactured machine who is responding according to instruction...

I know so many arranged marriage couples who are just still together because they don't want to spoil their family name, seems like that they are carrying debt.......while love marriage give u a chance if it is not working out, if u are not happy in ur relationship so by ur choice u can move out. But only because u want it not like that who will say what. In arranged marriage people live with each other because of society terror. They are not allowed to think what they want.....

may be it is ur idea of getting married by arranged let me guess how will it be........u will marry a girl, u will do whatever just after getting married, she will sacrifice everything or she will do an average kind of job, sooner within one or two year she will be pregnant and she will leave her job......u guys will have baby and she will leave everything for the sake of raising him/her. u will do only earning part. After 3 or 4 years u will loose interest in her and will start seeing other women actually dating and all that kind of stuff. Eventually she will come to know but she will not over react because this is what she supposed to do blah blah.......she can't share this thing with anybody that her husband is cheating on she is the one who is holding the reputation of family....and this is how she suppose to matter what ur husband is doing, he will come again when he got fed up of doing these things and these things are very carry on........

I have given u a very general and small picture about arranged marriage because it happened same in my house.....this is what my father mother is so beautiful but she is holding family's reputation (in ur terms, I am sure) by telling everybody and in fact convincing herself that her husband is very good....................and luckily all these bull **** doesn't happen in love marriage as it give u one way, if u are not happy walk out from marriage which is much more better than suffering and lying all the time......

to franadore...........sweetie u won my heart............just love u.........with so much maturity u have conveyed your idea (which is kind of mine too)..........u are just perfect.......

yeah me too hoping for it.........

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It's like a true life Romeo & Juliet except in reality it is so much more complicated. Sometimes we have to disown our families to achieve the life we want. Very difficult decision.

ohhh so sweet........romeo and Juliet sounds so romantic........but yes in reality it is very complicated.......

yes.....I hope same dear..........

As i can understand, you are in very serious trouble. Wish i could do something more for you.

Its difficult to understand how serious are your family members about their threat. It can be a mind game/emotional blackmail or a serious and true threat.
So, i will advise you to take things very seriously, and before taking any step think thrice about +ve , -ve, and the unexpected aspect.

For the immediate relief, You can try contact the guy your parents has selected for you, with the help of your 3yr younger bro. do all things carefully take your bro in confidence and ask him not to tell that about to your parents that you want to meet the guy once before marriage.
Then with the help of a friend or yourself tell the truth to the guy and ask his help so that your parents should not doubt you.

then take you parents in confidence that you will not be going against their will.

Next is ur problem to get married with your boyfriend.
you have to plan few things
1)take help of women organization or some NGO.
2)register a police complaint about the threat of your parents.
3)do court marriage
4)leave the state(or better, the country, but to a safer country)

Plan all things very carefully.

can i know where(district) in india you lives, and what is your and your boyfriend's cast, just to understand things better. you can message me personally to keep your privacy.

As i heard about some latest honor killing incidents, i am very much afraid about you, so please take care of yourself, and keep me informed about the updates if you can.

Also take advise and help from some women cells and NGO's working for such causes.

Best Wishes

thank u so much for this good plan but sorry to say nothing can be done.......I don.t want to involve my brothers they are younger to me........the guy my parents has selected u never know what type of he will be.
registering police complaint regarding such matters in India is useless.......and my boyfriend's father is in police so it will not be a problem...
I am in hostel 2000km. away from them so even if they are threatening to kill me.......i am cool......But I have to consider my parents anyway after all they are my family though u are right about that hoe serious they far as i know they are quite serious about it........I am waiting for them to calm down........else I will follow similar kind of plan..........meeting a guy u are referring can be too risky if he will spill everything........on the top of that everybody will know about this and situation will become worse..........

i have not asked to involve your bro. in your plan, just to get to know the boy as you told you even don't know his name. I don't think a boy of 20 is a child anymore, you may think so because you are elder to him but finally, its ur decision whether to take help of him or not.

if you have found any other way to avoid the your arranged marriage, then it very good. i suggested you because i have seen this successful in some cases because younger generations are more likely to understand you. Surely it is very very risky too.

if you are not comfortable in taking help of police or don't believe police, its ok as also they have not proved to give good solution but still i think there is no harm in it, better you should take help of women organizations and NGO's.

Don't over estimate the distance, i have seen in some honor killing cases that they have traveled far enough to take the revenge. even in some cases they pretended that they have accepted the love marriage and then taking the benefit of the belief they took the revenge. i hope ur parents are not like such and loves you a lot, and you will be able to convince them.

i hope you have read some honor killing cases, as i have, that is why i am much more afraid about your life.

And remember life is more important than love, you can only get your love when you are alive.

My suggestions are not an expert/experienced advice, better take advice from women organizations.

I will pray for the peace, love and happiness in your life.

Best Wishes

Look u are not wrong in any case.....but u don't know the exact situation accordingly I have to act. But this is so nice of u that u have suggested me a plan for almost every scenario. But I can't afford failure, everything is good but one tiny mistake can lead to disaster. My brother doesn't live with me he is in hostel and I am in hostel too. He is 1,500 km. far from here. and his exams are going on. And he is favorite of my mother. though he will help me but I will be always doubting him that he can be or u never know that he is helping me but passing every information to my mother.
And the guy my parents have selected for me let's call him X. U can't expect that Mr. X will be nice, he is never going to listen and he will tell this to his parents. And his parents will insult my parents, things will again become disaster. Mr. X can do so many things but he will definitely to this thing because I have seen it in many cases.
Look this is India police and NGO can't do anything here. My father is a very powerful man. In India things are based on the power not on the system. But I have support my Boyfriend's father is in anti terrorist squad. So we can't initiate it but surely he can protect us.
LOOK u are right I have not read honor killing cases I have seen them too in my surrounding not in my family as I am the first one who wants to do love marriage. And trust me no organization can help I have seen it with my own eyes and My father is a very powerful man. His friends are big politician. If I will take outside help he will get wrong impression, he will take it on his reputation and things will go out of hand. I am trying it in a calm manner but I am not foolish enough to come in their trap. Even if they are telling me they have accepted my decision and supporting me......they will call me home either they will make me marry with some other guy within 2-3 days or will kill me.
I told u earlier u are not wrong at all but I have to take steps according to the situation. Don't worry but your consideration make me strong your wishes tell me that I am doing right thing and this is all I need to conquer this situation.
thanx a lot...........are u Indian????????//

yes, I m Indian, i think you are intelligent and sensible enough to tackle the situation,all you need is my good wishes, may god show you the right path and help you get out of this problem.

ohhhhh thank uuuuuuuu sooooooooo much...........I really like talking to u.........

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Only you can look at all the facts about arranged marriages and about your family and decide whether to respect your judgement or that of your parents.

yup right......they don't have problem with the guy but with the sir name..... according to them it should be similar only then they will be able to live in society........

its so sad dear... parents should listen and understand what their children want...

to make situation worse...they are threatening to kill me if I will marry to my is irony that how can society and reputation is much bigger than theirs own child's happiness......

dont worry catch a flight and come to dubai with your boy friend... you can earn here and can live a peaceful life here

ha ha ha........good one

i really mean it

Thanx for the consideration.......

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