A Loners Aspirations In a Worn Torn World

I always wanted to be an Actor and at time believe I can be a good one. However my traits of being sensitive [empathic], a loner, and afraid of my thoughts around people make me doubt myself. I am currently applying for an acting course as it is a dream I have. As you will read you will begin to ask yourself, 'What is her problem?' She has already achieved so much but hidden amongst this story is unmentionable violation of another human being - child abuse, parental neglect and abandonment. So please read on

 I was born into a Kashmiri family that immigrated to Britain and opened a butcher shop. But one day, my hand was caught in a mincer. Acting attracted me as a child when my father bought a television set. Watching it was an escape from the pain of being disabled In 1993, I went to the University of Reading to study Social Work. Whilst there, I was given an opportunity to play a lead role in a MA in Film; this gave me an insight into acting. I was afraid to change courses because of family pressure. I failed Social Work and returned home to open up a business. In 2000, I opened Intercare, which offered home care to the infirm. The Company won several awards, including Investors in People, and I received an award from Ruth Kelly MP as Business Woman of the Year. In 2006, cuts to the NHS and Social Services budget took their toll. The Accident & Emergency department closed and Social Service expenditures were cut. I was waking, sleeping, thinking business, and asked to do more with fewer resources. As I was unable to keep abreast of radical changes, the local authority withdrew its contract after six years, and I was gratefully removed from backdoor politics.

Unwinding from the business has been difficult. I would not enter the business world again. Instead, I am committing my energies to my first love, acting—for both personal satisfaction and fulfilment.  

But I do not know if my personality would fit in with the expections of an Actor. You see I prefer my own company. I am empath which means I pick up other people's insecurities and empower them to move on. Leaving me with their emotions and 'brown stuff' so I doubt myself being in acting, although I yearn to be one for myself. 

refat refat
31-35, F
2 Responses Aug 16, 2007

Nice of you to share your story. I'm new to the EP but it is quite comforting to have a safe place to discuss my feelings and dreams with other caring people.... Your story is quite touching and I hope you are feeling strong and on the path that is best for you.<br />
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I relate to the qualities of empathy, preference of being alone, and trouble defending my own thoughts and identity around other's. It certainly is a life long challenge. I think it's a mistake to believe that is not a quality of many actor's however. I think of even my own brother and mother who both deeply feel themselves as outcasts in the everyday world, but have found a lot of joy in pursuing these arts themselves.<br />
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My mother for example always wanted to be an Opera singer. This never happened and she has spent her years in the business office of a hospital. But just about every year she finds the motivation to seek out a new local play or opportunity to sing a solo. She is so nervous and concerned, in fact, many times she struggles on stage. But just as often and more she nails it to her own best and lifts the crowd.<br />
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So I think we should all pursue our dreams in any way we can, regardless of how well we fit in, and recognize that we fit in probably far better than we allow ourselves to see.<br />
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There is way more beauty in each of us than we ever can see for ourself. Hope you return to EP. Take care.

Never doubt yourself,to do so is to die at heart. Always believe in what you can do. You can do anything you set your heart to. I really believe this. Keep truckin' Peace,j