That Is My Goal ... Maybe It Will Lead To A Better Understanding

When I write, here at EP or elsewhere, I want to put my thoughts and feeling out to the reader, the audience as accurately as I possibly can.

Both in my life and my work this is important, for different reasons.

At work I must be accurate as the business and its success or failure could well rest on my research, opinions and thoughts as I explain options and/or describe the problems facing the decision makers.

In my life it is also important that I portray my feelings and thoughts accurately to those willing to listen. I am transexual, a transwoman and that plays a big part in my life. Always has, whether I denied it or embraced it.

My earliest memories are that of being a girl trapped in a boys body. Very confusing and disconcerting as well as a cruel trick on a young girl. Dressing in my Moms' clothing allowed me to feel feminine and act feminine and be myself. When I hit puberty it became pretty insane and depressing as all the other girls were changing and I was just ... just disgusting as I looked at myself in the mirror. My body was changing in the most disgusting way for me and I hated the way I looked.  I remember vividly lying in bed then and now wanting something to come along and change me into a woman.

That change wasn't to be and as my life went on I went through many phases. Much of this came as my Mom was afraid if I continued to be myself that harm would come to me and that did effect me too. I started with denying who I was and joining the military and having a family. I will admit the military taught me a lot that I still use to this day about life and surviving. A family and children were hard on me cause even though I love them more than life I always felt like I was going crazy. The female voice inside me screaming to be free, wanting to bear and raise my children, to be a woman fully in this world. To be free of my birth defect and this prison I live in, moving to a productive life. Guess anger with myself and my fate.

Denial and anger at not being able to be myself, not being allowed to be myself. Trying to recreate myself in a way that could never come true to satisfy others. Forcing myself so much that I would actually pray that it would all just stop. Going so far as to trying to end my life. On my first try, I failed miserably. It was on the second try that something happened. For some reason, I went back to my roots and back to church and found comfort in the words that I was 'a child of God'. When I realized He knew me and He accepted me, I started to learn to accept myself. So after moment I could see a light, a light guiding me onward out of the darkness. Accepting myself and moving on ...

Moving through another phase too, that of watchful waiting. Many like me and others have heard this phrase from their doctors. Maybe, like me, it sent a chill through your body to its core. Tests and visits and hearing nothing conclusive yet after biopsies. Life must mean ... waiting.

And that is pretty much what I am doing today. Having accepted and begun moving on, in my own way and my own time. It is not an easy journey even now. But spending my waiting time planning for a future, moving on. Not without nagging thoughts in my mind but never about who I am, a woman.

I can speak freely pretty much only here at EP as the responsibilities I took on in my life can not be casually discarded for my own selfish reason. And I know it would be selfish to think only of myself at any time, I just cannot due that. I bear my feelings and my soul here and it helps me to move on. My 'soapbox' if you will preparing me for my eventual presence center stage in another aspect of my life and journey.

So I continue with my little steps learning more about myself and my life as I go. Reading and talking with others like me here and other forums and learning more and more about being me. About the trials and the triumphs and even the losses. My little victories and I do share them when and where I can. No fireworks or anything like that. Just a warm feeling inside and a tiny smile on my face and maybe telling a friend here something wonderful occurred today.

Maybe some might gain a better understanding for those who want to read and maybe learn a bit about me and by extension possibly others like me who are transexual. Others, I know, still will not care and that has been understood for many many years. I do not see myself as caught between worlds as other define those worlds but knowing who I am and that I am not in between anything. I am just wanting live my life and be accepted, as are so many others.

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Those who see that ... thank you.
Josie06 Josie06
56-60, F
1 Response May 19, 2012

Thank you my friend for sharing this with us. Giving us another look at the woman we all love and know as Josie. My heart aches for you, knowing that it has been a hard journey for you so far and the with family responsibilities yet to be fulfilled. ((((((HUGS))))))