Glow GirlI get tangled a lot.
The erratic way I write here is the way I think and the way I speak. (Those of you who have spoken to me can attest to that. :-)
What this translates to in my life is a very disorganized mind that works overtime to compensate for the sheer volume of thoughts that are rattling around in my head at any given time.
There is a mantra that I repeat to myself all the time.
Focus has become one of my greatest strengths, and will always be one of my greatest weaknesses. It is a catch-22, because to focus on one, I must ignore the others.
For the last couple of years, I have been digging my way through the muck of my life. Changes abound. A marriage ended. Children tossed about in the turmoil. Guilt over oh so many things. A new job. A new house. A new relationship.
What do I focus on?
Well...whatever was in front of my face at the moment, of course. No time to think through everything, because so much was happening at once. In the process of "finding myself", I seem to have lost me again.
I had me...a version of me anyway...one that I sort of liked...The Glowy that traipsed through EP was a wreck at times, but she was real and honest. She trickled out, bit by bit, onto the screen, and somehow the seperateness made all the bits become cohesive.
I was a good friend.
I loved to laugh.
I worried about my children.
I wanted to be loved.
I freely admitted my fears, and through that, gained the courage to face them.
I whispered and screamed my inadequecies and was beginning to find serenity - learning how to change some and accept others.
I was a whole person. Not some fragmented version of a Self.
The struggles to focus and be true to myself...my choices and my goals..were not as hard.
Your comments helped. They spurred me to think along different planes, to look at other viewpoints...but most of all, they helped me begin to trust myself.
I want to find that me again. I am tired of flapping around like a loose sail that is jerked by the wind and slammed into everything in my path...
Glowy isn't just the avatar of a pinup pirate...she is me..and I want to live up to that again.