Glow Girl

I get tangled a lot.

The erratic way I write here is the way I think and the way I speak. (Those of you who have spoken to me can attest to that. :-) 

What this translates to in my life is a very disorganized mind that works overtime to compensate for the sheer volume of thoughts that are rattling around in my head at any given time. 

There is a mantra that I repeat to myself all the time.


Focus has become one of my greatest strengths, and will always be one of my greatest weaknesses. It is a catch-22, because to focus on one, I must ignore the others. 

For the last couple of years, I have been digging my way through the muck of my life. Changes abound. A marriage ended. Children tossed about in the turmoil. Guilt over oh so many things. A new job. A new house. A new relationship. 

What do I focus on?

Well...whatever was in front of my face at the moment, of course. No time to think through everything, because so much was happening at once. In the process of "finding myself", I seem to have lost me again.

I had me...a version of me that I sort of liked...The Glowy that traipsed through EP was a wreck at times, but she was real and honest. She trickled out, bit by bit, onto the screen, and somehow the seperateness made all the bits become cohesive. 

I was a good friend.
I loved to laugh.
I worried about my children.
I wanted to be loved.
I freely admitted my fears, and through that, gained the courage to face them.
I whispered and screamed my inadequecies and was beginning to find serenity - learning how to change some and accept others.

I was a whole person. Not some fragmented version of a Self.

The struggles to focus and be true to choices and my goals..were not as hard.

Your comments helped. They spurred me to think along different planes, to look at other viewpoints...but most of all, they helped me begin to trust myself. 

I want to find that me again. I am tired of flapping around like a loose sail that is jerked by the wind and slammed into everything in my path...

Glowy isn't just the avatar of a pinup pirate...she is me..and I want to live up to that again.

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow
31-35, F
7 Responses Sep 11, 2012

When my mind races 100 mph, I start thinking about things that don't matter. Plus, the things that do matter, cause me increased grief. I found if I take a 1/2 hour break. Think of other things.........after a 1/2 hour I'm ready to start over. Starting over I force my self to stay on the most important project or problem.

Except when it comes to family issues, they are an ongoing issue with no light at the end of the tunnel.

One step ata time and focus. :)

I've known you for such a short time... but I can tell you already that you are an awesome friend! I think I know what you are saying though. As one's circle expands here at EP, you divide yourself up among that many more people. And it's hard to please everyone as much as you once did. I think we who are your circle members can help you by cutting you some slack if you can't answer right away, or what-not! That way we can all help each other be our best we can be!

With me, it's been more of a case of real life keeping me from being here at all. Months at a time when I don't log in...when I do log in, I'm such a mess I don't know where to start. When I was here every day, blogging every day...things were better. Writing things out helps me stay grounded. Talking to people here is good...focusing on someone else's problems for a little while...helps me get a little distance from my own drama.

(But yes. It was a good thing when I finally was able to not carry the computer around the house with me, only logging out to sleep...)

you must have truly thought about yourself and the way your life was up until this point. thank you for writing, it put my world into perspective.

I loved reading this. I think I will write something on "the core self."

You need to add <br />
This is a beautiful piece of writing Glowgirl :)

I kinda like it when you flap. :-P

Thank you Dean...<br />
<br />
*giggles at the image of DeanSquirell*<br />
<br />
That "core self" is what I lose focus on housework or kids or friends or other relationships or whatever...I lose focus on that core self. I can't seem to hold her together, because I always end up trying to be what others expect/want me to be. <br />
<br />
And so I lose myself and become someone else...<br />
<br />
And am left wondering if I lose the things that are important to me because I am now different, and less likable somehow, or I am unsettled because I am not me...or if I never was enough in the first place.