A Mind Divided

I googled "used to be a Christian, now struggling to decide" and a post from 2009 came up. I once thought that I was reborn, that God had come into my life and saved me from hell. The statement the woman wrote "there was a huge disconnect between the person I thought I should be and the person I felt I was" really resonated with me. I dated one guy that I met at church who actually drank a lot, got me to have sex with him after almost 3 years of abstaining and only went to church to appease his mother. I tried to pray, to keep reading; I asked God to stay in my life as I felt him slipping away. After that, I just never felt the same about it; it took a while but I just stopped caring about following the rules, and in a way I feel free. The church I went to taught that God chooses who goes to heaven and who goes to hell and that we have no control over it ultimately. They also taught that you cannot lose your salvation once you have received it. My dilemma: was I just never saved at all? was it all fake while others I saw were real?? Is this system so strong that it could have so may people claiming to all have similar but fake experiences?? When I was going to church and living so immersed in it, it felt so real to me. I argued skeptics at school, I read my Bible and books and had that peace about where I was going when I died. Now the only thing keeping me from just kicking the whole idea of the Christian God out of my mind is my fear of dying and going to hell. It's not easy to hear hundreds of people argue evolution, build up every word of the Bible as truth, and talk about how sad it is that so many people are going to this horrible hell, and not be afraid to think otherwise. I can't tell if it's God trying to pull me back to him or my true self trying to break free of those thinking habits because it knows how bad it made me feel about myself in the end. I am a woman divided in my thinking and just don't know what is going to happen!