I Want to Be Better....

I want to be a better Christian.. but my past and present life is leaving me with feelings of guilt and shame.

Sex addict.. **** watching... unhappily in sexless marriage... think about cheating.. depressed... living a secret life... smile when I am breaking inside.... I am a walking disaster... I feel bad... I call myself a Christian... but these are the secret battles I hold.. and no one knows about them... Until now...

ItsALongStory ItsALongStory
22-25, F
7 Responses Jul 24, 2009

I understand I think. I totally can relate anyway...<br />
although I'm pretty much an agnostic now...

Maybe being a Christian doesn't suit you. But fighting against that and succeeding, would that make you a better Christian? I'm not, and don't bother with moral troubles. Yet, not caring about morality, I don't lie, cheat, steal, kill, fight, covet ( Unless I see a hot married woman), and don't worship anything. So what's the deal? How does being religious make me a better person? How can you become more like me? Well, first off, I don't give a **** about anything that doesn't affect me. I live by my own code of morals. To me, to steal if I'm not hungry enough to do it is wrong. I don't care about material things so much, so coveting that isn't much of a problem. ****, I just don't understand. I watch it, but like once a month if that. I've had alot of very intense and great sexual experiences. I've seen some sick-*** ****. My imagination is more than equal to the task of getting me off. <br />
And if your wife won't put out, maybe it's time for a dfivorce, and find someone who will. What's she doing with all that repressed sexual energy anyway?<br />
Stay strong, never give up. I don't give a ****. But, a word of caution. This is my own self-destruction speaking, but before you look to others, and wonder why they are wrong, look at yourself. What's wrong with you, than your wife don't want to bang you? Why couldn't you just find someone else? Sometimes the only thing you need to change is yourself. I've had alot of high school chicks checking me out lately, due to changes I have made in my life. Silly chicks, this **** is for women.

and no one knows about them... Until now... God knows about them and He still loves you and forgives you, now the hard part is for you to forgive you! Keep praying and we will be praying for you too.

The problem is not that I don't want to let it go. I have prayed and it has not gone away. I am constantly battling and it is back and forth with me. I pray, I'm fine for a little bit, I backfall, it gets worse... I know I am forgiven, but I also don't want to be that person that thinks they can do anything because they know they are forgiven.

We are here to see how we handle our trials.<br />
<br />
For some they are physical....like living in a threatening relationship/environment<br />
<br />
For others it's they perils of living with today's temptations.<br />
<br />
We are all working on something....we are a process

Thanks that made me feel a little better about myself... :-)

If God wanted perfect Christians, he would still be looking for the first one.