It's My Fault But I Plan On Changing It All

I know I'm not a bad mom or wife but I feel like there is so much more I can do and I'm just not doing it.

As for being a wife I have done EVERYTHING for my husband. We have gone through so much and I have stuck around where other women would say “I'm getting the hell out of here. What was I thinking?” My love for him is what made me stay. We are finally in a place in our lives where things are going smooth. Okay, smooth is not the right word but we aren't picking up pennies to try and save to get a bag of chips because we don't have food. However, now that things have settled down and I thought I would be happy I find all these things to be mad about. If I explain the whole story you would see where I'm mad but all I do is ***** and yell and who wants to be around that? When he does try and change I give him praise but then I pick at it. Who wants to keep doing something for their partner if, after they do it, they ***** at them for everything.

I tell myself everyday at work “When I get home I'm going to be nice. Get the chores done and then sit on the couch with him and talk.” So my husband can have an attitude but I can as well. Sometimes I'll ask him something and he takes it the wrong way or I word it funny and he thinks I'm asking something else. It is usually because we are both tired but he snaps and then I snap and I'm pissed the rest of the night. I'm trying to learn when he snaps I need to stay calm and then sooner or later he will realize I'm not yelling at him anymore. We have a lot of communication skills that, after I learn to calm down, we can work it out. Until then I'm going to try so hard to just be nice!

As for my daughter, I had her in March and started working mid April. Was that my plan? No, I didn't want to start working again until she was a year old. Life just doesn't work out that way. I make great money but I have to work full time to pay bills and other things (husband works as well but I make double than my husband and he hardly gets hours. Long story but he does the best he can and that's all I ask of him). There is no way I could cut my hours and still support my family. I miss out on so much and it breaks my heart but my mother watches her so that puts me at ease.

My issue is, sure when I pick her up I feed her, change her, give her a bath, and put her to bed each night. That just isn't enough! It is how I act towards her. When I go to my moms to pick her up I grab her and give her a hug but then put her back down. I'm so busy talking to my mom about my day I just ignore her. In my head I say “I'm just venting so when I get home I can focus on her” Good plan, kinda. Doesn't happen though. I take her home and feed her and then put her in her room or walker. I start cleaning house and doing all these random things. By the time I'm done she is tired and I put her to bed. Why can't I just come home and play with her for an hour and make the chores wait. I say “there is the weekend” but that is bullshit!

One day I had nothing to do after work. The house was clean and I had my daughter. My husband went to do somethings so I was all alone with her to play. What did I do? I freakin' put her in her walker and started to watch tv. I wasted 3 hours doing bullshit things around the house then next thing I know it is 8:00pm and it is time to put her to bed. That makes me feel like ****** mother! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm concerned about so many things why can't I just live in the moment? I blame everything and everyone else when it comes to spending time with her. I say “Mom takes time away by making me go to the store. My husband takes time away because he doesn't do the dishes.” I need to grow up!

I love my daughter so much and it brings me to tears when I think about what I do. She is 9 months and I need to fix this now or she will be in school before I know it and not give a **** about me.

I was going to make it a New Years resolution but why wait? Starting today I'm going to go home with a positive attitude. I don't care what my husband says or what is going on I'm going to be calm. I don't have to be happy but I don't need to be a ***** like I always am. I'm going to look at the house and see the chores that I HAVE to do. I'm going to pick my daughter up and not vent to my mom about work. It just leads to other things and I'm at her house for over an hour and I don't have time for that. As soon as we get home we are going to have a snack together and play in her room (if not bitter cold go for a walk with the dog.... Another point! I need to be a better pet owner and play with her). At 6:00-6:30 I'll do the few chores that I HAVE to do that night and hurry through it. Then I'm just going to relax with her and my husband.

I understand not everyday will be like this but for the most part this is what I HAVE to do. I can feel my marriage falling apart and I can already see my daughter wanting my mother and her dad more than me. This is all my fault and I do plan on fixing it. I'm making it sound way worse then what it is but if this is how I'm feeling then that, in its self, is not good. No more blaming and no more excuses. I love my family and I intend on making it stronger.
AwkwardQueen AwkwardQueen
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

You know why you are feeling like such a crappy mother? Maybe it's because you had to focus so much on your husband, his narcissistic ways, having him blame YOU for everything--that he actually has you believing it! you are not a bad mom, your mind is overloaded-I have been wanting to reply to your other post on the Narcissistic Husband thread, but at night-especially when my husband is at work...I could be doing other things as well, playing with my kids, doing crafts with them, watching t.v. with them or just hanging out---instead I get on Facebook, play those addictive games on there not because it is what I really want to be doing or want I NEED to do, it is what momentarily takes my mind away from all of this chaos in my house. I have been married for 13 years, four kids one grown and in the service (my husband is insanely jealous of himm but that's just a looong list of very screwed up disfunctionalities my husband displays) I am flat worn out...tired of doing EVERYTHING in the house, everything. While he comes home, says it is all my job because I don't pay the bills.Our house is falling apart, I mean we literally have floors falling through...He has a public service job, his family, co-workers and close friends thinks he is what a man should be...if they only knew! I got yelled at this morning for wearing one of his insulated shirts yesterday---a very used phrase of his..."stay out of my stuff!". He yells at the kids for bothering "his stuff" all of the time. guess who the slob is in this house? yup, him--won't even close his dresser drawers when he gets something out. that is little stuff anymore that I don't even pay attention to. I used to keep an immaculate home, three meals a day--not anymore. I am tired. I am 40 years old, my youngest is 8. I had been working for a nursing agency, and the money I made you bet I had to account for everypenny I made in front of him-and every penny I spent. Had to buy my own gas, food, and if I ran out-then he would blast me for hours on how irresponsible I was.
Our bills our always late, electric guy pullin in the driveway every month, water guy, cable guy too. Our mortgage is late, again. The kids have racked up lunch bills at school that I am being called about every day. We have not one thing for the kids Christmas yet--a couple of weeks ago, he went to H andR block to get a RAL for Christmas like we do every year-we got about 550$ on a debit card, for immediate use. I have been a nervous wreck since then, asking him when we were going to get the kids' Christmas, a few days ago, he yelled at me, and said "I have to wait until payday!" I asked him what happened to the Christmas money, he said "I had to pay the bills somehow". His buddies at work (he's a firefighter) always exchange quite expensive "man" gifts every year, so I imagine they all got a good gift from him. I never get anything for christmas or birthdays (wait, he gave me $10 for my birthday on Dec. 4) I can never get anything for my dad or stepmom, and they have been very good to us, helping when we were in need ( my dad even gave my husband a working dumptruck, to haul wood in), I never heard him say thank you to my dad for that. He always buys his mother very nice gifts for her birthday and Christmas (he's an only child) I could go on and on and on with the stories.
the fact is, after years of wondering what in the hell was wrong with me, looking ip diagnosis and trying to find women with similar "afflictions"...I came across Narcissism...the crazy thing is, for a few weeks I thought this was MY problem, then I started looking into it more, reading stories from spouses or significant others of narcissistic individuals. then I realized---it wasn't me after all. The more I read, my husband is textbook, so predictable.
I am currently looking for a full-time job--that is step#1. If it takes me a year to save, I don't care, I am looking forward to the day I can sit in my own living room (with floors intact), on my own sofa, watching what I want to watch, without having to worry about what I am doing wrong, or being accused of not wanting to help him out, ordering a pizza because that's what the kids want and not worry about him saying "we can't afford it". His truck is packed full of fast food bags and containers. He has to eat before any of us, and if I don't have anything fixed yet, he will decide he has to take a trip to town to get some dip(tobacco)...and he also goes through drive-thru to grab a meal, never brining us anyting. He has done this for years. Like I said, I could go on and on. The financial abuse, even using sex against me, throwing hissy fits like a child when he doesn't "get any". I DO NOT want to do this anymore, and I won't. I am already feeling somewhat better andsome sense of relief just coming to the realization that this is not my fault,a nd I refused to be blamed for anything anymore-I have put so much on my shoulders that at times I couldn't even stand or sit up straight, have gone through depression, and a lot of suicidal thoughts. Not anymore, I deserve better and so do my children. They will continue to have their father in their lives always---but they will also see a better person in me when I do not have this load bearing down on me. I don't know what's driving me right now, but I think it is the fact that I am not blaming myself anymore : )