Driving a Tire-less Car and Acting Like I'm Getting Some Place As the Scenery Changes

So much in my life has changed over the years, but with my maturity has come the understanding that most of what has been train-wreck-esque is just the same theme playing itself out in my flawed decisions over and over again. I hate that my lack of self-discipline usually ends in a lack of me finishing what I start- I hate that I put on this great facade of mastery when I'm so insecure that I keep people away from knowing who I really am- I hate that my heart barely beats when I don't have someone to love that inspires me to rise above it all with drive and purpose. No matter what success I accomplish externally, the same old songs echo down my neural pathways chanting "You're a fake!" "You're spoiled!" "No one will ever love you!" "You try too hard at the wrong things!" "You're full of hot air- you didn't do half of what you could!" "You know you could've done that better, but you're lazy!" "You're not doing anything!"

I'm tired of knowing what's right and not doing it- tired of having faith in all the wonderful potential every other human life has but failing to recognize my own, let alone live up to it- tired of seeing what I SHOULD do with the bountiful opportunities life gives me and letting them pass by like I have something better to do- tired of pretending that I'm proud of myself, when inside, I know I could do so much better- tired of keeping habits that have no place in my life just because I don't care enough to get rid of them- tired of knowing I can beat any addiction but choose not to because on some level I feel smug that I have them and still keep all those who'd judge me for them from knowing they exist- tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not- tired of pretending I feel better than I do about what I haven't done...

I'm sitting in the driver's seat on a studio set car and going through the motions of taking everyone on a grand ride, but it's just the screen projection that's changing- I know I can drive just as well as anyone on the road, but I'm holding myself back- promising myself that I'll step out and take the risk of wrecking, speeding tickets, and judgement the next time, I still retreat to the comfort of doing what I know won't hurt me over and over again. Even when I have to leap from the vehicle set ablaze with a wrong turn off a proverbial cliff, I merely roll out of the car onto the crash mats in the same old studio and change nothing but replace the old ride with a new one in the same spot.
AthenaAdAbsurdum AthenaAdAbsurdum
26-30, F
5 Responses Apr 8, 2007

i totally share your thoughts. <br />
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i wish you all the best in your progress, and feel free to message me if anything. it'll be nice to hear from you.

Maybe it is simple: You are a TIRELESS PERSON going about your life. <br />
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R

I wonder where we ever get and what we actually have seen and not seen as we go along?<br />
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Life is here, from where is not actually known. Life goes out from us and where it goes is not actually known. <br />
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What we see and what we think we see is not actually known. <br />
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What we do not see and what we think we did not see is not actually known. <br />
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However, the collective experienes and knowledge shared, makes each individual broaded and more in depth plus life is more fun this way. <br />
<br />
R

Please don't misunderstand me- I'm an eternal optimist who was just voicing her soft, white underbelly of self-doubt and frustration. I'm a blessing who struggles to improve herself as much as any tendril grows towards the sunlight to survive. I appreciate your concern, but please don't be sad! This striving drives me to ever-loftier goals and, occasionally, recognition and satisfaction.

This really makes me sad. I see parts of myself in with to better. A friend of mine always use to say to me: "Focus on emphasizing your strengths and minimizing your weakness'." In other words we are to turn towards what we want & away from what we don't want.<br />
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What I would like to say is please don't be too hard on yourself! You are a blessing to the world!<br />
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That's all!