My Biggest Goal.I'm writing this way past my bedtime. So bear with me if it goes all over the place lol.
I think this is the perfect section in which to share the basics of my story and why I joined this website.
All my life all I wanted to do was fit in, have people like me. I lied about nearly everything about myself for as long as I can remember, still trying to figure out why I did it. I'm not trying to make excuses up with why, but when I was a young child I spent most of my development years in a childrens hospital. I don't know if this has anything to do with my attention seeking, but I think it could have made an impact on me. I'm a middle child and have sibilings younger and older than me, so I didn't get much attention growing up and I started to make up stories about myself to get people to like me and want to my friend. Looking back on it now I cringe everytime I think of the things I use to say to people.
I did it so much that I couldn't remember what I said and who I said it to. I never made up any serious lies or lies to get people into danger or people into trouble, just stories to make myself look better, but infact only made me look like a complete loser when people realised I was a totally liar.
I trusted someone two years ago, and when they did something I never thought they would do, I got totally defensive and started a huge comontion about nothing. The longer it went on the more angry I got and the lies just came pouring out. I never said anything threatening or did anything illegal, but looking back now the person must have being in a horrible situation, and to this day it still keeps me up at night worrying about what I put them through. And I'm in a worried state that they want to get revenge on me and ruin my life, may sound crazy I know, but I cant get it out of my head.
So for the past year I have tried to better myself. I went through a huge depression through all that and had a very stressful year with my brother who was a heroin addict, and it all got too much and let everything go. Luckily, I didn't do anything too drastic, and I am starting to re built my life.
I joined this site mainly to get stuff of my chest, and find people I can talk to normally and who would not judge me. I could not talk to my friends about any of this, they have their own problems, and don't need me coming in with all my problems.
I really want to be a better person. It starts with me getting help with my depression ( which Im currently getting ) and figuring out why I felt the need to lie for all them years.
I said sorry to the person for the way I acted, and explained what state I was going through, but the sorry's just made things worst, and I had to just leave it, now two years later I am only really getting over it, and trying to stop beating myself over it, and to stop worrying.
I'm trying to re enter education, and trying to be more helpful to people.
Really hope I accomplish my goal of becoming a much better person than I was two years ago,