I Don't Like the Person I Am Now

And I would really like to change. Part of the reason my marriage almost ended is because of the person that I have become. I don't like her, I want her gone. I just recently found out that I could have clinical depression, the only problem is that I don't have a job or any money so I don't think I will be able to get any help. But eventually I would like to start changing into someone that I like.
dreamofme dreamofme
22-25, F
10 Responses Jan 17, 2007

Now, this sounds like something we share. I have depression as well and my boyfriend is having a hard time understanding me. He thinks that I just get mad at the little things and sleep too much. I feel your pain. Most states have free programs that you can use or work on a sliding scale fee. You can call your local United Way they can give you the numbers. It will take a few months for an appointment. While you wait you can try talking to God. just sitting down in a room with a close door and talk outloud. When I was at my worst, I use to walk for 5 miles 3 times a day and go to the gym to workout and pray. It helped alot. It also helped when I connected with a friend at work who had the same problem. We told each other how we were loved and needed and how we would get thru this.<br />
Being positive is hard at this time but a little self talk and God can work wonders.

Now, this sounds like something we share. I have depression as well and my boyfriend is having a hard time understanding me. He thinks that I just get mad at the little things and sleep too much. I feel your pain. Most states have free programs that you can use or work on a sliding scale fee. You can call your local United Way they can give you the numbers. It will take a few months for an appointment. While you wait you can try talking to God. just sitting down in a room with a close door and talk outloud. When I was at my worst, I use to walk for 5 miles 3 times a day and go to the gym to workout and pray. It helped alot. It also helped when I connected with a friend at work who had the same problem. We told each other how we were loved and needed and how we would get thru this.<br />
Being positive is hard at this time but a little self talk and God can work wonders.

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I feel you when you say you don't like the person you are at the moment. I've had some of the same feelings and thoughts. I used to always think that money will help make me feel better when I can do a,b,c but I think it is definitely important to look at what you can do now to try and help get yourself out of the rut you are in at the moment. Or at least a bit closer.. baby steps mean true recovery. <br />
<br />
Having said that - I absolutely understand that Depression is a very real and serious illness/disorder. You won't be able to always do it all yourself. I am just speaking from experience though - I used to think I'll feel better when I can get more money to be able to get help but that time never came because I just sunk deeper and deeper and then when I was able to financially afford it I wasn't able to cope with seeking help.<br />
<br />
Share yourself with the people around you no matter how hard that may be. You will realise that you are a great person. Also - the endorphins from that you get from sunlight etc helps lift your mood. Going out for a walk, enjoying the sunlight and getting some activity is a small way to help so maybe you can find someone to share that with? Just one tiny idea that may seem odd but I always feel better when I've been in one of my depressive cycles.

Here's an idea that helps me.<br />
First I make Two Assumptions: <br />
1. God exists.<br />
2. He is perfect.<br />
<br />
First Argument: If God exists and He is perfect then His attributes include; <br />
1. Infinite Love <br />
2. Infinite Power <br />
3. Infinite Knowledge<br />
4. Infinite Reason <br />
5. Infinite Patience<br />
<br />
This list should be short. It should be possible to extrapolate all other positive attributes from the items on this list … whatever the final number (for example; wisdom from knowledge and reason and love in some ratio, or happiness/cheerfulness from love and power and patience, etc.)<br />
<br />
Comments on the above Attributes:<br />
<br />
Love<br />
Love might be the most important of the five attributes listed above. Is there any point for me to be knowledgeable, rational, and patient about something I don’t care about? Can it be problematic to possess and wield power without love? Might love, along with ‘like’, ‘interest’, ‘curious’, and related positive emotions be the real driving force that makes us pay attention to anything outside our own immediate needs? <br />
Logically speaking, a mind that’s full of love has no room for any of those other emotions that drive everybody crazy, such as hate, anger, jealousy, fear, grief, apathy and shame, to name a few. Would it be possible to encourage love, etc., and discourage these counterproductive emotions? <br />
<br />
<br />
Power<br />
If anyone in the universe, other than God, has any power over my mental and physical condition, it is I. Additionally; I seem to have some personal power within the physical world. I can manipulate ob<x>jects with my hands or with tools. I can re-direct electricity to light my home, and burn gas, oil or coal to heat it. I can help create a new life … or end one already in progress. According to the Dog Whisperer, I can influence certain animals. According to my own experience, I can influence certain people. This could be thought of as power of intention, or charisma.<br />
Power, not just charisma but any kind of power, is interesting in that it should be possible to become more powerful, as well as more perfect, simply by becoming more loving, knowledgeable, rational and/or patient. It should also be possible to become more powerful while at the same time becoming less perfect.<br />
<br />
<br />
Knowledge<br />
As important as love is, one fact added to another fact often yields many more than two bits of information -- how powerful is that? Can knowledge be powerful in its own right? Can reason exist without knowledge? Can I love or be patient with something that I don’t know exists? Might it be easier to love or be patient with something that I know more about? Can problems arise from possessing and/or wielding power without knowledge?<br />
<br />
<br />
Reason<br />
How much disappointment, stress and frustration could be avoided if we were more rational and less emotional? How many wars, lawsuits and disagreements could be averted by reason based on knowledge and unencumbered by negative emotional baggage?<br />
This is not about being ‘reasonable’. It’s about being rational. Love and patience are rational when they are beneficial to both the giver and the receiver.<br />
When people talk about God (or write about Him, etc.), they say that He is perfect. He’s omniscient and omnipotent. But I don’t hear much about His perfect reason. Is it any wonder that humans are so irrational when so much of what we hear about God is so illogical? If God is love or has infinite love, can He even be angry, vengeful or jealous? How can I possibly fear any source of that kind of love? Maybe that’s why we stopped worshipping the pagan ‘gods’ in the first place -- they did not set a good example.<br />
<br />
<br />
Patience<br />
Generally, if we refer to someone as impatient, it is not meant as a compliment, but too much patience can mean trouble as well. For instance, when a small child is playing in traffic, or Adolf Hitler’s is invading the Sudetenland, a more pro-active approach may be more effective. This indicates that there may be something like the right amount of patience for the circunstances. Knowledge and reason should be useful in determining that amount. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Second Argument: If God has infinite reason then it should be possible for me to understand Him.<br />
<br />
A good general definition of love is; ‘unselfish concern for the well being of others’. So:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Third Argument: If God has infinite love then He loves me<br />
.<br />
This, of course, is assuming I am loveable. Maybe I am. Maybe there are stipulations. Another, equally valid, definition of love, ‘intense attraction’, implies:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Fourth Argument: If God loves me then He wants me to be close to Him.<br />
<br />
If I knew someone who was always happy, generous, charismatic, smart, never lost an argument and never lost his cool, I would probably want to be with that person all the time. How would I go about getting close to this person? Probably not by being cranky, selfish, boring, foolish, irrational, emotional, impatient, intolerant, etc. On the other hand, if I was happy, generous, charismatic, well informed, logical and patient, I would be more likely to get to where I want to be. Maybe it’s some kind of universal law that people seem to prefer the company of people most like themselves. Maybe God prefers the company of people who are most like Him. Maybe:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Fifth Argument: If I want to get close to God, I should try to be more like Him.<br />
<br />
This is interesting. If I were to become more loving, charismatic, knowledgeable, rational, and patient, it’s possible that I might actually get closer to God. Just by making an effort to get closer to God, I might actually become a better person and have a better life. It even seems possible that the whole world could benefit, at least slightly, if even just one person were to make such an effort.<br />
This is self regulating. By being loving, charismatic, knowledgeable, rational, and patient, I move closer to the goal, closer to God. Acting in any other manner moves me away. There is no need for punishment, vengeance or a lake of fire.<br />
It’s a fair exchange. I can see how traditional techniques for getting close to God, such as worship, prayer, confession, ritual, sacrifice, etc. can be very beneficial for us, the users, but what does God get out of the deal. How is His existence made better by confessions, apologies, thankfulness, magic words and/or gestures, by worship or by giving up meat for Lent? But maybe, if I were to make the effort to be more like God, He might get the same kind of feeling any dad would get whose son had just told him, “Dad, when I grow up, I want to be just like you”.<br />
Following this logic, we may be able to whittle the Ten Commandments to less even than the two that George Carlin postulated.<br />
<br />
<br />
The One Commandment: <br />
Smile and come closer to Me. (I know, ‘smile’ hasn’t been part of any of my arguments. I just threw that in there because I think everybody should smile more.)

I FEEL GOOD INSIDE BUT A CANT EXPRESS IT SOME TIMES ITS WEIRD AND THATS WHY IM WEIRD I THINK ITS CRAZY.

A job does help only on the financial status. Being a better person comes from the inside and flows outward.

I too had years of not liking myself(think it is common)but after reading loads of self help books and looking on the internet I have come to accept who I am but always room for improvement:)

i so share that fealling

i so share that fealling

well i have panic disorder which tends to go hand in hand with depression so i understand your feeling like you don't like yourself. i always don't like myself either. i spent many years relying on my two husbands to take care of me because i didn't work, maybe didn't really want to or had too much anxiety to go look for one. having no money is all to real to me. i don't know where you;re from but my medical plan covers the cost of phsychiatrists who to this day i wouldn't be where i am without him. do you have a mental health agency where you are?? there's always ways to get help and once you start looking you find out how much there really is. there's always the crisis line. i've never used it but just to know it's there is helpful. change is hard but start out very small and feel how it feels for you.. the best to you