Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Dear Rose ,

there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side or even a feminine side that is strogner than your masculine side. That is what experts are saying these days that sexuality as previously thot might not be purely black or white for most people. The thing is thta with some males their feminine side gets supressed over a long period of time due to society's taboos and then bursts its way out at a later age. Its the same for me and many other people i have read abt on this site and others. And yes if your feminine side does not find an outlet or channel then it will cause depression within u ... that too seems an undeniable fact from personale xperience also. I was battling depression for the last few years and it affected my otherwise good career but now when I took a few steps to know the woman in me, I have found such peace and joy. Actually if it wasnt for society's taboos, this can be an amazing source of happiness and satisfaction much more than earning money or doing other 'normal' things. It is sad that you family or friends cannot understand u, But I will say please find a channel to express ur feminine desires and when u do that your other half will also become free to attend to everything else that is associated with ur manly side. Take Care

You probably know the answes better than anyone else. I ask myself many of the same questions all the time. You can't change what has happened. You have to start from where you are and decide which direction is exceptable. Happiness is just accepting your situation with a positive attitude. My advice is to try and smile and pretend to be happy even if you aren't. Then maybe one day the smile will accidentally be for real.