The Feeling Is Back Again

I have early memories of wishing that I was a girl, from when I was very very young, I wasn't really sure why that was, but I would think about it to myself at night in bed, almost all the time.
One day we moved to a new house and I was in grade school. Things changed for a while and I didn't think about being a girl for a long time, for whatever reason it just didn't cross my mind, for the longest time.
After a few years went by I thought I felt different, something wasn't quite right, but I didn't know what it could be, I fit in socially mostly because of my intelligence and natural charm, but I felt somehow insecure with myself, and with my body, but I didn't know what to do.
Pretty soon I started to notice boys, and discovered my attraction to them, but of course I mostly kept it to myself, to maintain my "image" it seems funny to me now, I've always wanted to be liked or at least accepted. By then I was in high school and my body was going through changes and one day I decided that I wanted to dress myself like a girl, by myself in my house while everyone else was away, and so I did it, and something about it just seemed right, and then I remembered when I was little, wanting to actually be a girl, and I stood there thinking I still do want to be a girl.
Later on in high school I started having sexual encounters with boys in my school, friends of mine who had gotten close to me and I had confessed to them that I liked them, and then I offered to give them a oral sex, on seperate occasions but regularly and eventually they got distant, not that I wanted anything of them I just wanted to be friends.
Then for a couple of years it was just a fantasy that I would play, dressing up like a girl from time to time, in my own home, but lately I started to think about it a lot, I mean its all I can think about, but I thought about it deeply and found that all these feelings I've had, the ones I've always had, it explains a lot about me, lots of personal things that I've always wondered about, and it makes sense to me now that I was always meant to be a girl, I mean it really seems like it to me, and I want to do the transition really badly, but I'm afraid of what it will do to my world, the way that I live and how others see me, I mean the people around me are mostly good open minded people, but I mean its a very hard decision to make, but my happiness is what's most important right? I shouldn't care what other people think about my decision, I do think its the right thing for me, anyways that's my story, it feels good to get it out.
iamalexa iamalexa
26-30, T
4 Responses Jan 22, 2012

Transition sounds crazy to me.. if u were meant to be a girl then u might have born a girl since the very beginning... U are man.. why not enjoy ur body?

Yeah, I don't want to get married unless I can be married to a man, same with me I started shaving my legs, but luckily we were allowed to wear sweat pants in p e at my school, I have worn my hair long for a long time now, but I still don't feel feminine enough, I feel like talking to a doctor about hormone therapy and doing the change, but I can't bring myself to do it.

No, I haven't spoken to a doctor... I don't know, there have been certain things in my life that I guess I haven't figured out and it,hasn't been a priority for,me I'm satisfied with who I am, and that's what's important... sometimes I worry more about others than myself, I'm very selfless that way. Even though I might not seem that way.

I have had a few experiences with men but it still didnt feel quite right better but not the way it should

me to I have felt this way since I was real young I remember not wanting to get dressed in p e through school got Dr excuse to get out of it shaved my legs etc since then was always shy and kept to my self did get married didnt feel right stayed with her for a long time she didnt deal with my feminine side very well