My Wish Every Waking Moment...Like many, there was a point when I was 12 where the thought that I should have been born a girl entered my brain. I was effeminate, shy and girlish in nature and that caused me a lot of problems through grade school. I was tormented by bullies and everyday was a struggle just to fit in someplace and have a friend or two.
By high school, I learned to mask these feelings, desires and behaviors. I became overly aggressive, wearing tough clothes, not talking much trying to hide who I was from my family and friends. I further disconnected from my body mentally, avoiding mirrors, never being naked except for when I showered. I never swam in a pool without a shirt or walked around the house with my shirt off. I didn't want this chest and hair and muscles. I stopped taking care of myself, was incredibly self destructive yet managed to survive young adult hood.
As I got older, I further hid this part of me. This part who wanted to be female. Who wanted to be beautiful and have men desire me. She hid so well that for years I just forgot her. She would sneak out every once in a while, when I saw a hairstyle or outfit I thought was super cute. Or a boy who was strikingly handsome. But for the most part, I lived my life; delved into my career, had children. Married twice, divorced twice. Both time because I was "emotionally unavailable" and not demonstrative enough to make them feel wanted. I was depressed and grumpy. I still am many days.
About a year ago, she came back; in full force like a waking dream, suddenly everything clicked. This is who I am and my most inner core. It is so freeing. All the confusion gives way in a clarity that makes everyday something new. Just knowing, understanding. It's like screaming from the top of the mountain. It's not perfect but I can't believe what relief it was to finally after all this time to admit to myself what has been suppressed for so long.
She is with me now, all the time; every minute. I love her and want to make her happy, to give her want she wants; what I want. Sometimes I fear it's too late. Time, hormones and neglect have had their way with me. I still hold onto the dream that the book isn't written yet and anything can happen. If it does, I will not hesitate.
For you girls, if this is what you want; my only advice is "stop wasting time" This is your life. Things are so much better now than when I was young. You can get support, keep friends through your changes and make new ones. Do it, I wish I had so badly. I cry about it. Even now, in my forties; it is hard to bear having lived my life as a lie. I'm not saying life is horrible, I find happiness and joy but it sometime feels like a hollow echo of what real happiness could be.
Stay strong and make that change.
darva 41-45 8 Responses 10 Nov 12, 2012