My Wish Every Waking Moment...

Like many, there was a point when I was 12 where the thought that I should have been born a girl entered my brain. I was effeminate, shy and girlish in nature and that caused me a lot of problems through grade school. I was tormented by bullies and everyday was a struggle just to fit in someplace and have a friend or two.

By high school, I learned to mask these feelings, desires and behaviors. I became overly aggressive, wearing tough clothes, not talking much trying to hide who I was from my family and friends. I further disconnected from my body mentally, avoiding mirrors, never being naked except for when I showered. I never swam in a pool without a shirt or walked around the house with my shirt off. I didn't want this chest and hair and muscles. I stopped taking care of myself, was incredibly self destructive yet managed to survive young adult hood.

As I got older, I further hid this part of me. This part who wanted to be female. Who wanted to be beautiful and have men desire me. She hid so well that for years I just forgot her. She would sneak out every once in a while, when I saw a hairstyle or outfit I thought was super cute. Or a boy who was strikingly handsome. But for the most part, I lived my life; delved into my career, had children. Married twice, divorced twice. Both time because I was "emotionally unavailable" and not demonstrative enough to make them feel wanted. I was depressed and grumpy. I still am many days.

About a year ago, she came back; in full force like a waking dream, suddenly everything clicked. This is who I am and my most inner core. It is so freeing. All the confusion gives way in a clarity that makes everyday something new. Just knowing, understanding. It's like screaming from the top of the mountain. It's not perfect but I can't believe what relief it was to finally after all this time to admit to myself what has been suppressed for so long.

She is with me now, all the time; every minute. I love her and want to make her happy, to give her want she wants; what I want. Sometimes I fear it's too late. Time, hormones and neglect have had their way with me. I still hold onto the dream that the book isn't written yet and anything can happen. If it does, I will not hesitate.

For you girls, if this is what you want; my only advice is "stop wasting time" This is your life. Things are so much better now than when I was young. You can get support, keep friends through your changes and make new ones. Do it, I wish I had so badly. I cry about it. Even now, in my forties; it is hard to bear having lived my life as a lie. I'm not saying life is horrible, I find happiness and joy but it sometime feels like a hollow echo of what real happiness could be.

Stay strong and make that change.
darva darva
9 Responses Nov 12, 2012

Yours is one of the best stories about transvestitism that I have ever read. It is also one of the truest stories on the subject. Thank you for speaking the truth to us and giving us hope.

i'm in my sixtys and couldn't agree more. back then , you couldn't be yourself, now for me,,,, its too damn late.

Never too late. Hormones do wonders... seriously.

i take fenugeek and saw palmetto

Very touching story. I'm glad you finally discovered and accepted the true you. Many of us have lived in denial for years. We have this girl living inside who just wants to be free, be accepted, and be happy. And why not? Let her out and enjoy being her. She will never go away so embrace her and become her. You deserve it.

so very well put, i couldn;t have said it better

Your story has touched my heart. I went thru much of the same things you have. Throwing away a ton of clothes, getting into a profession that was all male all the time. Taking risks, as a male, never as a female.
Now I'm past the mid-60's mark and have become something I wish I was when I was still a child. I am a total, complete sissy. Well, when I am home I am. I love my cute little sissy dresses, frilly panties and petticoats. I have had to admit to myself that this is what I am. With that admission, I am much happier. If only I had done it sooner.

i'm 65 and understand completely, but i havent jumped over the fence yet...

I have read all the replies here. I just want to say that I have lived all my life as a girl. And I have lost all of my friends, girls & guys. I have been living as a girls since 8 yrs old. I'm now in my late 50's and I am as complete as a girl can ever be and still be a genetic guy.

I decided when I was in my 30's that I would rather stay a guy and dress and live as a girl. Because of one thing, once you cross over and change your gender, its a one-way deal.
I was in a sensual time of my life where I enjoyed being a girl and having sexual pleasures with myself as well as with others as a girl and it felt so good, that I did not want to change anything.
I think if a gender change is what you want, you should do it when your young before your body starts maturing. I have read its easier to grow breasts and do the whole gender change at that age.
As I got in my early 50's, I was well content to be who I am. Dressing and living as a girl was very comfortable and I was satisfied at what I accomplished. I think back to when I was young and I would not want to change my past or change my gender either. Being able to live in both worlds as a girl and a guy is well more than most people here on earth will ever experience.
So enjoy what you have and live the fullest and best you can, FOR YOU, because it is your life and know one else s.

Bobby Lee

When the internet came out and I discovered there were others like me I was thrilled, I love these forums. I wanted to be a girl since I was 2 but the thing with me is that I always wished there was some magical way I could switch back and forth at will. I love being with my wife as a man and would never give that up. I am totally out to her and she accepts that part of me, actually she loves it and named my 'drag' persona Rosa. I call it drag, but the real drag is pretending to be someone I am not to fit in and please 'society.' I decided a long time ago, unless I was causing others pain, not to regret anything. I do wish I had played more and been out with my 'gender fluidity' when I was younger. My religious guilt kept it deeply repressed and hidden. Life is too short for me not to enjoy it and be true to myself because I worry about what other's think about me. guess that is easier said than done but I openly play with androgyny now because it feels good to me.

yeah babe every thing you say is exactly the way i feel.but at the moment im toying with the idea of having a sex change (im in my mid fifties now )my wife isnt very keen on the idea but its still in the back of my mind.I have gone through the dressing up stage and i call it a stage because when i dress now i dress properly not just underwear but skirt and blouse or a dress and i dont always ********** so its not a sexual thing with me and i also wear makeup.and when i go out dressed up (at night)i can usually pass myself off as female (well nobody has bothered me yet) so make your own conclusions about that.lots of love stay lucky xxxxxx

Glad your deisres came true

your so right it is hard being a feminine boy wanting to be as much like a girl as possible. it is a struggle we all go through

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