Sad And Scared

I've been with my fiance' for over 7 years. I love him endlessly, and we have no problems in our relationship. The only reason we're not married is because if we got married, I'd lose my disability, which means I'd lose my medical coverage and the ability to go to school, and it would break us financially, sadly.

Well, the frustrating thing is, I want a baby, desperately. However, even when I haven't been on contraceptives (we're talking years at a time), we've never been able to conceive, which is, at this point, a "good thing" because, like I said, I'm disabled. I have fibromyalgia and a whole host of other disorders (two of which can cause infertility), and recently they found out I have something else, which at this point they think is Multiple Sclerosis.

He has a pretty good job. One of the best available in our area. Overall, we're doing fairly well financially.

BUT...before we can even consider actively trying for a baby, we have to:
  • Figure out how to stabilize my health, which is not as easy as it sounds. We've been at it for 11 years.
  • Move houses because ours is not suitable for an adult, let alone a baby.
  • Make sure my body can even handle being pregnant/giving birth.
  • Pray that I'm not sterile. Which is a serious worry.
I'm so scared that I'll never have the chance to be a Mother, and after some recent turns in my life, that's what I want most. I realized family is more important than anything, and I'm so scared that I'll never get to have a family of my own.

A few weeks before Christmas, I had the most amazing dream. I was playing with this beautiful little girl, who looked a lot like I did as a child, except she had my fiance's eyes. And someone kept trying to hurt her, and I was going insane trying to protect her. And I remember looking at my Mom in the dream and saying "Oh my God. I'm a Mom." It was one of the best dreams that I've ever had, and when I woke up I couldn't stop crying.
EvonyRaine EvonyRaine 22-25 27 Responses Jan 21, 2011

Your Response


and so when you get married it means you depend on god? or what you else is lost? salamat for your answer ............

hi, i don't know whom you need help.......i don't know if i am paranoid.........i will try to talk to god or tell god about it........if i still remember......or not busy........ok

That Dream you had is a sign that GOD has never forgotten you. And it will come true. It is never impossible for GOD to do things we cant explain, for every Good thing comes forth by the Power of GOD. Hold on to that Faith in GOD. A Great change is about to occur in your life.

Dear Sad and Scared, the whole time I read your post I couldn't separate the fact that I was living the very kind of life that you are so afraid will happen to you.. only the love of MY life walked out on me with another man some 33 odd years ago, so I'm now living without anyone in my life to go through it with, the good times or the bad. I'm not going to tell you not to worry, that even if the worst happens, you'll be all right. It wouldn't be, and I'm not (all right) either. I suffer from debilitating back pain almost every day (I was a nurse for 30 years), and that's nothing compared to the heartache I have over losing my spouse, even after all this time. I have no family, even though I love the idea of belonging to one. I've traveled all over the Pacific Northwest here in the U.S. looking for a special someone I could call my own, and to have someone to share memories with, holidays, achievements and failures, but I'm an old man now, and I realize that the life I wanted companionship for, I've already lived, alone. It's closer to the end now for me, and I don't see the point of getting into a car now, when I've already walked 99.9% of the journey already on foot. I pray to God, of course, but "My Grace is Sufficient for Thee" is the only answer I ever get. I know my story can be depressing (it's not a victory story) so I isolate even more than I do already. What friends I DO have know me as a jokester and a person who looks at life and it's problems with some kind of humor, no matter what, and God help me it's the only approach I have to life's ups and downs that keeps me still alive. Still trying to have a baby? Nothing against you, but I haven't had a lover in decades. I am here, I am alive, and all I've ever seemed to do is look at the whole notion of "Family" from the outside looking in. I'm not crying in my beer here, but I HAVE learned that there are a WHOLE LOT more people like me (single and alone) than there are of people who've found mates and families, jobs, careers, memories, and ones getting to save a new Christmas tree ornament every year. I've had WAY many more meals in restaurants alone on holidays than ones when I was with someone (anyone). So.. I guess the point I'm trying to make here is, be grateful for that which you DO have, for rich is the one who is happy with their portion. God Bless.

Hello Sad And Scared:

Among all your aches & pains you are lucky to have a good relationship which very many people don't have. As for your reasons not to marry, I will not address that issue you are the only one who can decide on that subject. Regarding your fibromyalgia I would like to address that issue, but first I need to tell you why I do believe in Alternative Medicine.

Around this time last year I was diagnosed with two different primary cancers, I had these terrible and painful treatments but I did not give up and have absolutely changed my lifestyle. I read so much that for a while I was very confused but now I understand that I did the right thing by choosing Alternative Medicine instead of Traditional Medicine, I have gained very much and my health is getting better by the day. My emotional issues are also much better just because I decided to be well and trust in God.

I have some information for you, I hope it helps because as you may know there is no known cure for fibromyalgia, but remember our bodies were made to heal themselves and all they need is our help to go through the healing process.

Alternative therapies, although not fully recognized by traditional medicine, can help manage the symptoms of fibromyalgia. For instance, therapeutic massage manipulates the muscles and soft tissues of the body and helps ease deep muscle pain. It also helps relieve pain of tender points, muscles spasms, and tense muscles. Similarly, myofascial release therapy, which works on a broader range of muscles, can gently stretch, soften, lengthen and realign the connective tissue to ease discomfort.

The APS recommends moderately intense aerobic exercise at least two or three times a week. They also endorse clinician-assisted treatments, such as hypnosis, acupuncture, therapeutic massage, and chiropractic manipulation for pain relief.

Along with alternative therapies, it's important to allow time each day to rest and relax. Relaxation therapies -- such as deep muscle relaxation or deep breathing exercises may help reduce the added stress that triggers fibromyalgia symptoms. Having a regularly scheduled bedtime is also important. Sleep is essential to let the body repair itself.

Several of these treatments safely relieve stress and reduce pain, and some are gaining acceptance in mainstream medicine.


Acupuncture is a Chinese medical system based on restoring normal balance of life forces by inserting very fine needles through the skin to various depths. According to Western theories of acupuncture, the needles cause changes in blood flow and levels of neurotransmitters in the brain and spinal cord. Studies indicate that acupuncture helps relieve fibromyalgia symptoms.

Massage therapy.

This is one of the oldest methods of health care still in practice. It involves use of different manipulative techniques to move your body's muscles and soft tissues. Massage can reduce your heart rate, relax your muscles, improve range of motion in your joints and increase production of your body's natural painkillers. It helps relieve stress and anxiety.

Yoga and Tai-chi

These practices combine meditation, slow movements, deep breathing and relaxation. Both have been found to be helpful in controlling fibromyalgia symptoms.

. Reduce stress. Develop a plan to avoid or limit overexertion and emotional stress. Allow yourself time each day to relax. That may mean learning how to say no without guilt. But try not to change your routine completely. People who quit work or drop all activity tend to do worse than those who remain active. Try stress management techniques, such as deep-breathing exercises or meditation.

. Get enough sleep. Because fatigue is one of the main characteristics of fibromyalgia, getting sufficient sleep is essential. In addition to allotting enough time for sleep, practice good sleep habits, such as going to bed and getting up at the same time each day and limiting daytime napping.

. Exercise regularly. At first, exercise may increase your pain. But doing it gradually and regularly often decreases symptoms. Appropriate exercises may include walking, swimming, biking and water aerobics. A physical therapist can help you develop a home exercise program. Stretching, good posture and relaxation exercises also are very helpful.

. Pace yourself. Keep your activity on an even level. If you do too much on your good days, you may have more bad days. Moderation means not "overdoing it" on your good days, but likewise it means not self-limiting or doing "too little" on the days when symptoms flare.

. Maintain a healthy lifestyle. Eat healthy natural foods. Limit your caffeine intake and don't take any soft drinks. Do something that you find enjoyable and fulfilling every day. Try small meals each 3 hours instead of three full meals a day and drink lots of water.

I have done and do all the above mentioned in the past year and I now feel much better not to say I feel very well, find a good and known Alternative Medicine doctor, not just anyone remember there are many charlatans but there are very many good doctor specialized in the mentioned discipline.

I hope you will at least give it a thought and remember your body needs your help to heal.

Take care and regards.

Wow..keep the faith and know that there are other ways to be a mother even if not biologically. Trust that things will fall into place when they are supposed to.

i want i want i want !!....forever.

First,i am not really convinced ,that a sick Person feels the need for reproduction and frankly spoken ,should not!! I agree with 'almost 32' pointing out that there is a" what not should be will not be"

option here!! It would be not good to ignore this possibility of a maybe bigger plan than your personal!

In the end when your plan did not work out and say ,your guy left the scene for good,had enough and gone and you sit there with your possibly sick child and wonder !!! Cover your angles...all of them that is!!!

... honestly,you would be my hero if you would make a conscious decision for the sake of all of us.

Also check into a University Hospital or sometimes called a Teaching Hospital where they teach doctors to be Doctors. They have a million more resources and funding available to them than a regular hospital and are able to do miracles with today's modern medicine..... I know from past experience with my own child and other past ailments

Ask ST. Jude to help you, as he is the patron saint of things impossible ..He is also the patron saint of ST. JUDE'S HOSPITAL founded by actor Danny Thomas.

I'll keep you in my prayers. The only thing better thanbeing a mother is being a grandmother. I was told at an early age that I couldnever carry a child. I have 3 grown sons and lost a daughter at birth. I now have 12 grand children.

i know it is pain you are going through , but maybe God dont want you to have kids because it is too risky for you might get more health problems , think about it this way

what if you have a baby then you can not take care of the him because of bieng sick ?

a wise man said :

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

i wish you the best

Well, I am sure you might not like what I have to say or disagree or I might hurt your feelings!

But I feel you must know:

If you can not even get married and it would hurt you financially, Having a child is not cheap!

I know a very healthy woman that tears for the same reason many times per day, her problem is to fear she might not be able to raise that child right and add one more person to the rest. That one way or another end up been abusive, rapist, killer, drug dealer/user and etc.

Maybe it is not the time, and maybe your faith needs to be stronger, maybe if your GOD wants you to have a baby you will but not on your watch, he knows the best not you. Maybe you should not put your wish in here, but ask the one that has the power to make your wish come true. You are sharing your wish with human, and what can we do in compare to GOD? "NOTHING"

Either way I wish you the best

Dear Sad:

I would like to tell you about something I know as absolute fact be the truth of this world and this universe; it's wisdom I came to own born of my experience of life. Today I possess the actual science - the law at work and so the actual interaction of the natural forces - but I want to share what I know about the metaphysical or emotional truth:

Coming to terms with not being able to have a baby is actual grief, actual human grief as a woman is not only processing the reality that something she always wanted but now wil never have is the death idea or a belief she had about her own self. But then it is also grief over the death of a child because this child is as real to you as the two children I gave birth to, or, the baby you may not be able to have is already a person in your heart and soul thus if you cannot have a baby then you will be faced with the actual emotion known as human grief over the death of your child and if anyone ever tells you that your experience of grief is not reality as your baby was never actual reality? Or your sadness and your fear is not reality? Oh yes it is; it is every bit as tangible and actually real as what a person would feel if their actual born and alive child died. Grief over the death of a child? It is an emotion that turns into physical pain. It feels as if it will kill you; so excruciating was it that I now know how it's possible for a human being to die of a broken heart. However:

In the moment I truly believed I would die - I thought, Oh, so this is how I die - The Creator intervened. That pain was removed from me and instaneously 'gone' the second I cried out to God. And then The Creator made an award to me the exact nature of which I will disclose to you privately but not publicly, at least not yet as I have chosen for the time being to share this only with persons who have lost a child or parent as it's so inensely personal. I'm not willing to allow another human being to deliberately injure and harm me via denying the reality of the existence of A Creator or the elegant and deliberate design of this universe only to make me then be less than they are or only so they can then claim my experience of life is a lie; even if their only named Creator is Jefferson or Einstein how can they act in diametric opposition to this universe? Or to woman?

The experience of actual grief and A Creator then led me to ask WHY people 'can't' have children so they adopt and Voila! they then have a biological child. Medicine has never been able to reason this fully; 'stress' is scientific but its not the actual science.

Now I know: there are zero shortcuts in life. Not being able to have a child was a window of opportunity they then denied their own self so there was no longer any reasoning for being childless. They adopted children without exploring the whole truth or they purchased a human life thus devalued every human life even their very own as their named price was "baby". I urge you to consider: Maybe you were always destined and fated to have a child but maybe you weren't. Maybe you will have 15 grandchildren but maybe you will have descendants as numerous as stars in the sky - even if you never do have a child. Maybe fibromyalgia is for you for reasoning only you will ever be able to name.

Nothing in this universe is random. As I resolved Uniformity I know this to be law: NOTHING BUT NOTHING IS RANDOM. Not even your own name. And: The Creator does not inflict injury and harm upon us; mankind creates human sufferening. "Sacrifice" is not suffering; there is absolutely no point to suffering unles you can and do turn it into sacrifice thus learn how not to suffer and how not to inflict suffering upon others.

Upon exhaustive investigation including taking the testimony of people who had various expereinces of birth, adoption or infertifility and upon resolving Uniformity and upon witnessing people on the Oprah show saying it is prefectly moral and ethical to pay a woman in India $5k to shed her blood and risk her life when it is never 'okay' to pay another human being to take your place in war or birth and upon invocation of the sorry excuse "$5k can change that womans life" as if that is true and you have $5k then why not merely give it to her unconditionally? Out of love w/o any "reward" or "prize" I then knew the whole truth of me and my unique life:

Abraham. He once looked into his heart and worried that he would have no descendants. The Creator promised him that he would have descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and he does. Own George Washington had no children. Once he told men on a battlefield who were about to be broken as they were starving and were denied liberty thus were about to become w/o hope, 'the fate of unborn millions depends upon your action today'. It did; are there billions of people across Earth who are 'children' of Washington because of this as you do not need to be American to be effected by Washington and everyone of those men who acted? There ARE; the live not as ghosts but as living spirits as I cannot know every name but here I am. I'm one of Eve's descendants; I''m one of Abraham and Jesus and Washington's descendants. I'm the absolute proof Washington DID have children. Whenever I see stars upon a field of blue? I think, It came true for Abraham and Washington and it came to be true for me as well...How can any human being deny the fact that each one of our lives is a miracle?

In Galatians, a letter Paul did actually write, he says you do not NEED children or marriage; he's conveying the idea or the universal truth that unconditional love can be found via unconditionally loving yourself and others; that to do this is to be 'one in the Christ body', neither male or female or gentile or jew but instead to be whole person. You're a child of The Creator but you're also a 'parent' as YOU create unconditional love and your journey is your own to make of it what you will.

I know you are "sad" and "scared". This is one of the single most difficult issues parents or potential parents deal with; it's actually scary as...Not only is it actual grief BUT how much of ourselves do we invest in our chilren or in the idea of a child so that we mistakenly harm our own selves? As a woman I disocvered I had invested so much of myself in my children and then the idea of a child that my children became my 'reason' instead of me being the reasoning and the cause. I in some way confused the concept of selfish with selfless such as people in my world "valued" me if I did exactly what they did then I was a good mother or there were instances whereby not only should I not treat myself once in while as 'good parents do not do that' but: If I had not been able to grieve and then feel human joy thus be moved to tears, if I had not experienced actual grief and actual joy that made me actually cry, I would never have come to know that everyone in my wordl was judging me thus making their love conditional when no, it's a term thus it's an unchaging law of thus universe so it's unconditional...only I can and may judge myself so for me it's been about justice while for them? Judgment and I would never know unless first the idea of a child died and then a child died.

I have observed an amazing phenomenon - law at work - as I know several people who could not conceive or who had miscarriages so do not have children and will never have them or who could easily have had children but waited too long so the opportunity passed them by - and one of these people is a man. As they were willing to deal with the grief and/or regret and as they were willing to ask themselves if "children" were not because The Creator might have other, bigger, more important plans for them, or rather they would have children but it would be realized differently, I can tel you that NOT having children became the blessing of theri lives as that very injury, that perceived to be an injury then became theri salvation. They were able to discover their unique talent that they were born with and able to then begin acting upon it so they are self-actualized as actual unconditional love is theirs and in such a way that today they refer to not being able to have a baby as a blessing, as proof of God and as a 'miracle'. They are the proof and the miracle - not the baby and not the absence of one. Exponetially they did 'increase their storehouses' a million fold. They are doing what they believed they were designed to do and it is not raising an actual human baby. Some of them work with children in some way but some do not. If you ask me, "What makes you special? What innate, natural talent ddi god give you and what were you uniquely designed to do?" I can exactly answer you.

John Adams made three attempts to tell Thomas Jefferson that human grief was one of the most important metaphysical places to go to and that it had immeasurable value as he knew it as he lost a child. Jefferson finally said, Enough! I feel badly for Jefferson he never came to know the truth of it, of human grief.

What's the truth? Via venturing into the depths of actual human grief over the death of a child I was 'transfigured' as that is the very thing that then allowed me to experience actual human joy. Before this? I believed I had experienced human joy but the emotion I felt and the concordant physical sensations I had when I lived what I thought is "joy" caused me to know: Before I could not cry; I cried like man; this made me cry like a woman.

For me? Those tears become a well of souls. For me? Those tears are salt; the pacific ocean is the world's largest desert as the illusion is very, very decepetive...I,Susan, was living a lie as what I lived before is a pale imitation of joy.

Human grief allowed me to build a bridge across the widest chasm of all; I am faith that's been tested in fire; dealing with the fact and law that something died so something could be born caused me to draw a map of my own human heart. Literally: I was standing on the other side looking back only to realize that, as other people are the salvation history of me, I had drawm a map of my heart so I could then build a bridge of human hearts. I spanned the distance between human grief and human joy but only because I was willing to go there; only as I reasoned and decided maybe: I have no business trying to thwart the will and liberty of God as if I've exhausted my options? My human resourses? If it's not money as I can raise millions but what I cannot do is engage is buying and selling human beings? Then it's self-evident: This was supposed to happen; God is settign me up!

My line of reasoning? My Petition? The Creator would never burden me with a weight to heavy too lift as that would be self-defeating and the universe is not so as I cannot know what will happen but only deal with it as it does unfold then what I need is for you to come to my assitance if I ever exhaust my own human resources.

And so it was; it still is. At this writing at least 15 people are willing to come to your aid and assistence upon their will and liberty as nobody forced us to do it. We volunteered. It's a law: One human being can unconditionally love another w/o ever meeting them face to face. I, Susan, unconditionally love you. In selfless service to or for you? I want for you what you need. I will petition The Creator on your behalf; I cannot promise he will change a single fact BUT:

If you ever need to talk to me or even need to hear that ultimately the weight causes you to rise, or just need to know you are not alone, leave me a message here or at:

Whatever happens you will be able to weather it. You'll handle it as it happens in the moment as my best clue is: you had the courage to post this, didn't you? so you are no coward based upon that and in light of every fact you told me. I will not tell you that you'll be fine as you'll be better than you were than before and because: About the 100th time someone told me "fine", "don't worry" etc. etc.?

I wanted to kick them as what don't you get? I'd say, " Intellectually I know I will be fine and intellectually I know that I will be okay and intellectually I know that your intention is to help me but right now? It does not FEEL like it! "

P.S. When I have a dream that's extraordinarily vivid? It either comes to pass exactly or literally OR The Creator is giving me clues; I'm supposed to discover a comes to pass or it comes to pass in another form. AFor me, a very vivid or intense dream that 'strikes' my core is one that I'm supposed to pay close attention to and that I'm to remember.



Hello Dear,

I see you with your have dreamed of her; she will come to be.

Believe. Keep doing what you need to but if something doesn't feel right, trust your instinct.

Blessings to you, your fiance and soon-to-be daughter. She will have his eys.

Kel xo

You are only 22--25 years old. You don't need to have a baby right now nor get married which is a waste of time and it will screw up your life and that of your boyfriend. Work on your health and your fertility problems with multiple doctors, build yourself financially, buy that house and then think about having a baby. A baby can fix all your health problems but can also dig you two into a giant hole. I don't know how much he makes but things can get wild. What if he leaves you? Daycare? Health complications?

You are young and have 13-15 years to think about a baby. You do need to start tackling all your problems head on right now, starting with the major ones and that's your financial stability and health problems. Work hard on that.

I am also suffering from fibromyalgia. Any ideas of what works will be helpful


oh, I'm so sorry you haven't been able to have a child yet. If your husband has the ability to support you, take the plunge. Even if not, step out in faith and marry him if that is what you wish. God has a way of making things work out when we follow His Word. If this man is the one you love and are meant to be with, He designed your relationship to be one of marriage. Then begin to pray to Jesus for that baby. I know someone with only half an ovary left because she had cancer and had to have 1 and 1/2 of the other ovary removed as a teenager. God still gave her and her husband 2 wonderful kids. Nothing's impossible. Maybe the dream is a promise, but He does want you to follow His plan for family which is marriage first.

Dear Ms. Evony Raine, I an a retired Nurse. I am so sorry about your troubles. Now I wish I would have finished Med school to be a doctor instead of a nurse. But I have seenmore people come into the emergency room with slf cures than not. Some have died because they have listened to some quack people and did a self help cure. Though there are 2 good ideas. 1 is vitamins and (some) herbs are good.2 talking to the lord is another good idea. I'vr talked with many many doctors. They wont tell you to go to God for the cure. But they wont say God cant cure either. There is to many that cant be explained. But please before you go on some cure all binge talk to your doctor. I personnaly believe Gd doesnot do this to us for punishment. It just happens. But God can help us thur it. You can like some of the others say Adopt a child. There are a lot of children out there that need a person to love and care for them. From your words I can tell you have lot of love to give. Mat God help you both.....Solina

Okay-it took me awhile to find my old posting, on my old blog but here it is. Try not to worry. Try to believe that God wants the very best for you.

...I had my 1st child, Andrew, @ 16 yrs old. (see pics from last week). I lost 1 fallopian tube & ovary from PID. I was also told that I would never have any more children. My other tube had scarring which resulted in 2 ectopics in the following yrs. The 2nd 1 was discovered so early that I was 'eligible' to recieve a shot of methotrexate- a strong cancer treatment that is used to dissolve foreign substances in the body. I was heartbroken & was so positive, right up to the last minute b4 recieving that shot, that God would speak somehow & tell me not to do it, that He'd moved that perfect little baby into the right place... but He didn't.

Less than a month later, I had a dream that my husband & I were in my Dr's. office & she was telling us that I was pregnant again, and then I saw this little blond baby girl crawling on the floor beside us! When I woke up, I was so excited because this didn't feel like any ordinary dream-I couldn't stop thinking about it. The next day I took a preg. test & it was positive!!! After so much heartbreak in the past, even after having that God-dream, I was afraid that it was another ectopic. So went to a big hospital to get a special ultrasound to check, & we both saw her at the same time-she wasn't even a fetus yet. She looked like a perfectly round pearl, on the side of my uterus! That was my daughter Jubilee- named by God because my captivity to infertility was over. (the jubilee year is when all debts are cancelled & all captives & servants are set free, & land is returned to original owners) I now know that God used that methotrexate shot to completely clear/prepare the way for Jubilee to pass through.

A few months later, we discovered that I was pregnant again but it was another ectopic. I lost my remaining tube that time. Even so, when seeking God for our future plans, one of the visions that came clearly showed us with 3 children...

Years passed, & we moved to another state. My husband had a good job with insurance that covered IVF treatment. We felt that this was the way that God would fulfill the promise in the vision of giving us that 3rd child so we proceeded with the IVF. Everything went perfectly. All my eggs were high grade. They implanted 3 & after a while, we found out that I was pregnant with one. Everything was looking good, right on schedule- until about the 6-7th week. For some reason, the embryo stopped growing. The Dr. said it was a chromosomal problem. Most early miscarriages are the result of that, & as luck would have it- it was my turn to be in the small minority of women that would have an early miscarriage. He gave me the choice of waiting for the miscarriage to happen on it's own or to have a D & C & get it over with now.

It was a very bad time for this (I know, no time is good!). That very week, we were moving out of the little cabin we had been renting, but even more horrible... my little brother Ronnie (@ 21 yrs. old) was killed in an auto accident.

We now would have to travel across the country for his funeral! So, needless to say, we got the D & C procedure & I was in double mourning once again. I can't even relate to you how terrible that whole year was- probably the worst...

Anyways, fast forward a few months or so. Out of my birth family, I'm the 2nd oldest. I was 14 when my youngest sister J**** was born. She was spoiled by my mom pretty good. The other siblings really didn't seem to like her much as a result. They, & me, called her '*****'(to rhyme w/J****)- because it was obvious that she was not very brite, as well as being the irritating little tattle-tale. After Ronnie died, she was 17, & went a little crazy.

She had already been into drugs a bit, but then she began drinking & hanging out at the carnival where she met another like-minded person, W********.

He was 18, an alcoholic already, & had a violent rapsheet a mile long. One day she called me & was asking me about how people get pregnant & such, & me being an expert on that told her everything I knew. It wasn't long after that we found out she was pregnant, &, she demanded that my parents allow her & W******** to get married. They refused at 1st but as usual they ended up relenting & drove them to Wisconsin on J****'s 18th b-day to get married by the judge....

As soon as we found that out, we were immediately worried about that baby. My husband was so burdened that he prayed for the baby every single day. My dad told us so many times about how J*****& W******* would be getting drunk, & fighting- physically beating on eachother, throwing stuff at eachother. They broke almost every glass thing in my parents house. At one time they were living in a firetrap with a bunch of other people - the classic drunken-Indian lifestyle that we've all heard about but really didn't believe happened. For several months before the birth, my dad was telling me about how he didn't think the baby was going to survive, not only because of all that, but because J**** was so stressed out by the fighting with W******* that she hardly ever ate anything. Strange too because J**** continued to smoke pot insisting that it was good for the baby!

Well, J**** went into labor a couple weeks early & the cops came into the deliveryroom & actually arrested W******** on an old warrant! They named the baby Emily Jean. She was underweight & in intensive care with complications of which I'm really still not sure. The next couple months were not much different for them. He was in & out of jail, they both continued with the violence, drinking, living here or there with multiple people. J**** even told us about them mugging drunks saying that it was karma-they must've done it to others so it was ok to do it to them. We heard about W******** getting in a fight with some friend of his & stabbing the guy in his eye! I could go on...

When the baby was about 2.5 mos. old, J****called me crying about her life. W******** was in jail again, she didn't know what she was going to do. She said that when she was little she had always believed that when she grew up she would have a baby & give it to me. Now she believed that God told her to give this baby to me... Yes I was in shock. We talked several more times & sent her a roundtrip bus ticket to come out & bring the baby.

When she came, she did give Emily to us (on Sept. 11, 2001!). She was here for close to a month & from the beginning, I was the one who changed almost every diaper, & fed almost every bottle. Within 3 days, she's met some winos down at the park & started staying gone at night. (When we'd picked her up from the bus stop, I told her that if she'd brought any dope, I couldn't allow it in my house. Sure enough, she had a big baggie of it which was her reason for hanging out down at the city park- to try & get rid of it.) I'd made a room ready for her & the baby downstairs with a cradle & everything but when she started staying out all nite, she told me to bring the baby up to my room. She applied for welfare so she could get some money so she wouldn't be broke on the trip home. I typed up an agreement for us to sign where she gave us medical release & temporary custody, & she told us that if the baby was here for a year, she wouldn't try to come take her at that point because she'd already be bonded into our family. To be cont...

Fast forward. That was written in 2005. Em's still our daughter (will be 10 this year). It has not been easy. In 2003, we were granted permanent guardianship until age of 18 although we are now having to fight for her. I'm still trying to have faith that God is in control & we won't lose her.

The health food store is a very very good step to take and I agree with them on this matter.

Hi guys. :) First of all, thank you for all your replies. The outpouring of support you guys have given is absolutely wonderful, and has really helped the ache in my heart more than I could even begin to describe.

To answer the question you guys keep mentioning: Yes, we have most definitely considered adoption. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to adopt at least one child. The problem is, where I live, they don't let single people adopt. They banned single-person adoptions in an effort to keep gay folks from adopting (bah!). And, since my fiance' and I aren't legally married, we're pretty much already in the pits with adoption. A few people who work in social services have also told me that they think my chances would be low even if we got married, because of my illnesses. They said that because I would be the one at home with the child, and I have such a hard time being mobile and the like, that they really don't see anyone being willing to trust me with a child. :(

I would LOVE to adopt, even if we do conceive in the future, but it would be a serious challenge, and one I'm not sure we're able to overcome.

Norumi - *Hugs* I know how you feel. I have been abused in several different fashions, sexually, physically, and emotionally over the course of my life, and it is awful. If it WEREN'T for the love in my life that I have, I honestly don't know how I would still be here. And don't worry, no matter if I have a child or not, I will never, ever let the love in my heart just go to waste. I will share it someway or another and give it back to the world. :)

And Alwaystrying -- I absolutely agree, the piece of paper does NOT count. My fiance' and I have considered ourselves VERY married (we call each other husband and wife 99% of the time. I didn't do that here so that it would make sense when I said we weren't married legally). Several years ago, on Valentine's Day, we held our own private ceremony, because as far as we're concerned, what matters is what's between us and God. We promised each other and God to love each other forever. :) I fully intend to keep that promise, whether we can have kids or not.

While I DO want kids, in the long run, I will accept it if life doesn't lay out that plan for us. I can "psuedo-adopt" kids if nothing else. When my mother was a little girl, she wandered down the street and met a semi-elderly lady who basically "adopted" my mother as her grand-daughter. While my mom did have a grandmother she adored, this was basically her 2nd grandmother. She taught her to play piano, helped her with her school work, and was a safe place my mom could go after school, and just have a good time. In turn, my mom has adopted many kids in the same fashion. In particular, there is a friend of my cousin & I's from High School, who I actually refer to as my brother, because we are THAT close, and he has lived with us on and off since we were all about 15 or so.

I figure, if life doesn't give me babies of my own to raise, I can just do the best I can to help other people's munchkins through life. I'm lucky, in that my cousin's and I were all raised very close, and two of them now have kids. I call them my niece and nephews, because they might as well be. So, if nothing else, I get to help raise them. :) My cousin is even letting my niece come down this weekend to bake cupcakes with me, look at pictures of cute animals online, watch cartoons, and spend the night. :)

Ack, I'm sorry I babbled so much. I just feel much more hopeful than I did in my original post. I've been spending a lot of time with my niece again (something I wasn't getting to do much since she's started Head Start), and ya'lls optimism has really helped me feel better about the whole situation.

That, and something occurred to me: Even if I never have kids, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a wonderful partner who I get to spend the rest of my life loving. Yes, we'd like to share our love with a family of our own, but no matter what, we have each other, and can make it through anything.

Thank you guys, so very much.

i am so sorry dont give kids are my life...there is another thing you can do..i know its not the same but have you thought about adopting a just saying if after you try everything i would look into .there are alot of sweet kids out there that need the love of a mom and sound like you would be a great mom...take care and i will pray for you...cindy

Try no to worry too much. They say that this can hamper getting pregnant.

Just keep trying, and maybe one day it will happen. Everything will set in place.

Who knows...maybe if u get pregnant, maybe some of your ills will go away. Hormones do

weird things. My friend who had epilepsy did not have it the whole time she was pregnant.

So you never know. Just keep trying. And don't worry about getting married. Just stay together as a couple. Being together is what counts-not a piece of paper. You can still have a party. :)

Good luck to you. :)

I feel your pain, even if only at a fraction of the depth. My heart goes out to you and I hope with all my heart you get the family you wish for.

I am so sorry for you situation. However, I am happy you have such great love in your heart for a family, for a child. Whatever life may hold for you, I hope you will share that love with a child even if he/she is adopted. I know what that love can mean to a person, starving for that affection. I had a terrible abusive mother, mentally ill no doubt. I have suffered greatly in my life in the absence of that love. Not having that love can destroy a person. Having that love ... the sky is the limit what that individual receiving can do. I hope you will take this perspective and ponder. Look at what you can give. May God fulfill all of your wishes and may you become healthy soon and be healthy forever. God Bless.

Awww, Sweety. I'm so sorry. You know a lot of people that have been in your situation have adopted children and then afterwards actually finally conceived. Is adoption a possibility for you? Or is your health prohibiting the chance to adopt? If not, there still is a chance you can be a mom. I truly wish you all the luck in the world and you must have faith. You must believe and try to stay positive. I will pray for you.

You poor Honey..... Don''t worry , fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disorder.Only buy vitamins thru Swanson's online, at least30-60% cheaper buying from them! You need "Garden of Life" brand Raw Protein powder ! Not kidding here....

The Amino Acids and ProBiotics it contains with so many organic vitamins, veg. and probiotics has reversed health loss, and my sister and I noticed a youthful appearance to our skin, renewed health !!

The complete protein comes from the sprouts of rice and beans, the poor man's protein. Rest is of primary concern, too. My sister has had Multiple Sclerosis for 9 years, but just had the CCSVI procedure done, and she is getting better day by day. They found out that 100% of the patients are curable, because it is caused from twisted or pinched drainage veins in the back of the neck. There are 2 parallel to the neck bones, blocking drainage of the fluid off the brain.They procedure uses" Angioplasty" to unblock them/widen them !

Look up the procedure on FACEBOOK....... the Doctors in the US are upset, as they have made $ off of M.S. patients for years, so have Pharmaceutical companies..... Albany Medical Center Hospital, Albany , N.Y. is doing the procedure, Dr. Siskin. I will pray for you ............ don't worry. Ask God to show you His will for you in your life and let's see....