A Mother Without A Baby

Lets start from the beginning.

All my life I have wanted to be around children, I was babysitting my brother and sister from 11 (only for like an hour or so while mum went to the shops) and went onto babysitting my parents friends children from about 13/14. I have always been responsible and trustworthy. I struggled through school and eventually managed to get to university (where I found that I had dyslexia that had been masked for years by my coping strategies). While there I had a bf and we weren't as careful as maybe we should have been and I got pregnant. He dumped me for another girl before I could tell him and I was so distraught over the whole thing I lost the baby.

I became friends with the most amazing man who became my best friend and then I accidentally fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. When we were 22 we got married and I thought "great, we can start working on this family thing". However I quickly found out that he wasn't ready for kids. And I put my feelings and hopes and dreams on the back burner for him. We travelled, bought a place together, we have even (somehow) managed to build up savings. I used my degree to become a teacher so I could continue to work with children and earn a decent amount. I respect my husband too much to engineer an 'accident'. It's not fair, he's not ready, he wouldn't want to help with the child and that's not fair to the kid.

I have had medical issues which I have been told shouldn't be a problem. But I live in fear as my own mother had 3 miscarriages after having a disabled child. I have had 1.

I have recently brought up the whole baby thing with my husband again after being quiet about it for nearly 2 and half years for him, living in my own little hell of seeing friends, who said they wouldn't have kids till 30, pop up on facebook with baby number 1 and then baby number 2 and in some cases, baby number 3. I see these little faces and how happy the mum is and I cry. Then I see my husband and smile at him so he can't see my pain.

That is until recently. I broke down when I heard from him for what seems like the hundredth time "I want a baby....but not just yet. There's still things I wana do." I broke down in front of him this time and wept. I didn't cry, I proper sobbed for about 10 minutes. I think it shocked him and he hadn't realised how much pain I have been in for so long.

I explained to him then and there that I want to be a mother, ever since I lost that first one at 18 but didn't want to bring a baby into the world if I couldn't support it and didn't have support of my own. I want to be a responsible mother and this thought alone spurred me on through my teaching qualification and gave me the strength to wait for more money to be able to support a little bundle of joy. I now feel as thought we have the money, support of our family's, support for each other and mature enough to start a family.

I have spent the last 3 years married to a wonderful man who I love more and more every day, but I'm starting to resent him. We have lived the last 3 years by his rules, what he wants to do, his time scale. I have tried so hard to continue this just for him but I can't do it any more.

He turned round to me a few months ago and suggested making a "baby box", needless to say I have already filled it with clothes, books, toys, etc. Last month he suggested that we redecorate our second bedroom making it ready for just moving in baby stuff. I got excited I really thought he had decided he was ready.

Then we were talking and it came out that he's still not ready. He doesn't think we have enough money. Again the phrase that makes me die a little inside was used "I want a baby....but not just yet." He has been trying to find things for me to do basically to fill my time. I have since moved on from the second bedroom and have redecorated nearly every room we have. Our little home is nearly like new again because I want a baby and can't sit still any more.

I am at my wits end now. I'm trying to function normally and continue seeming happy to everyone I know. But I have started to become bad tempered and 'short' with everyone. Including my children in my class. I get home from work and cry because it is getting so tough. I spend everyday looking after other peoples children and I love it, but I'm so resentful now that I 'snap' really quickly. I hate myself for it but I can't seem to solve it.

I have been on the internet and looked at other people's stories and it helps to know that there are other women out there who feel the same, but I can't find a solution to my extreme broodiness.

I am, in essence, a childless mother :(
KateJ86 KateJ86
7 Responses May 19, 2012

I just googled something along the lines of, "I want to be a mother" & your story came up. My boyfriend knows how badly I want children. He knows I feel like "theres something missing" Next year I'll be 30 & I'm feeling so depressed & anxious I could die. I want to have a baby so badly. I have a heart problem & was just recently told that there shouldn't be a problem with my pregnancy when I'm ready but that I am high risk. I'm starting to feel my age, looking at life through time...each month just flies by. I don't know how much I can or should talk with my boyfriend about this b/c I don't want him to feel like there is a weight on his shoulders to rush. I feel like if I talk to my closest friends who aren't mothers yet either...they might think I'm being over dramatic or crazy. I just need to get this feeling off my chest. I thought it would maybe blow over when I turned 29....when my boyfriend & I started shopping for engagement rings...but it hasn't. It's gotten worse & worse. I just wanted to say that it did help reading your story & not feeling as though I'm the only woman feeling this much heartache.

If your a childless mother what about having a adult baby and treat it as a real baby, feed it baby foods and give it a bottle. dress baby in baby cloths and do all the things you would do to a baby to him...

I'm in a similar boat. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and iv always wanted to be a mom. He knew this from day one. I tey to put on a happy face and pretend it doesn't bother me but then I see all my friends having babies and getting pregnant and now my younger sisterand her husband are trying and I'm still stuck at him not being ready.

How you considered going to Therapy for this matter? I don't think your husband fully gets how all of this is affecting you. Also in my opinion, you should not live behind his shadow meaning you also should have a saying in all of this. If you continue in this situation you will become more miserable and unhappy and this is not fair to you and those around you. You can keep maintaining yourself busy all you want but the reality is the problem and your frustration will just keep getting worse!<br />
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Good luck!!

I have the same problem....I am a little younger then you so people are always telling me to wait until I'm older.....but the desire to have a baby becomes so significant that is morphs into an undying need. I am a childless mother as well. And no one can understand the pain. When you find a way to convince him tell me so I can try to convince my husband. I also respect him too much to plan an accident. <br />
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I honestly think that most people look at their children almost as burdens....(I said almost I am being careful how I word this) they always say wait until you are older there is so much more out there to do, well this drives me nuts because I honestly feel that when I have a baby my life will be more complete....I won't need to travel, go to book clubs or whatever I will have all I need for true happiness. Having a child does not have to hold you back, like most people think. Those of us that were born to be mothers (like you and me) look at it differently. I wish our husbands could see it this way.

I agree with you, no one can understand the pain of being so in love with your husband and wanting to make your basic instincts of being a mother come true. I'm just waiting for him to get his head around money, space, etc.

I have had people say, "your young, enjoy life without kids" and then they launch into a long conversation about their kids. Always feels a little 'rub in your face'. But I stand and smile.

All I can say to you is, even though all you want is a little one in your arms, try to find things for you to do while waiting that will make your baby's life better. Eg, Start a saving fund for it (releaves the preasure from your husband if he is worried about money), further your career (so you can be a better role model to your child) and do that holiday you have always wanted to do and can't possibly do with kids (one where you travel around alot in a car or go rock climbing or is so expensive you couldn't afford to take a kid on it).

By no means is your life 'over' once a child is there (which is what I have been trying to 'teach' my husband) you just have to sacrifice small things. But you can still leave your baby with it's grandparents and go on holiday! Not that I want to do that, but that is a concern of my husband.

Good luck and I hope you manage to make it through to the day when your husband finally tells you he's ready.

What a ****!! To suggest to make a baby box, do a room over for a baby..then say naaaaa I'm not ready, you should have slapped his face for all that bs..and whats all this about living by his rules..his time table? I know a lot of woman like a dominate guy but...you might as well live with a dictator...its going to hurt but I'd say dump this guy..married or not..3 years is enough..you have to be happy first and you deal with children every day and its affecting what you like to do....

I feel your pain. Though my husband would like to have children, I medically cannot. I get joy out of watching children. Keep your head up. If you love him, be patient. I tried for a long time. Several miscarriages. Though I may never have my own, I look at each child with happiness.