Too Late On More Than One Level

this is so complicated. im not sure "i want to be a mom" is the proper catagorey for me...anyhow...the cliff's notes version is this:

i grew up with a very dim view of motherhood. she (mom) hated it and made no bones about it. everything but marriage and motherhood was promoted/encouraged. i charged ahead thinking id feel the same way for the rest of my life. at 37/38 i was ready to admit I wrong and thought maybe i was missing out on a big big deal. (i was) after a way too long period my lazy gyno wanted to check me for uteran polyps. the ultrasound showed a cyst instead. surgery ensued and the next year and a half was devoted to a fertility clinic. no dice. i deduce premature ovarien failure (one cylinder left). it was hell. the clomid hell. my husband being reduced to stud service was hell. i cant imagine what it must be like for those who go through invitro one or more times. things are better now. somehow, by the grace of the universe, i turned a corner. i dont know whats next, but im so glad im not depressed now.

mom was human and projected her junk on me. i'll never let her know this story, but it is the truth. even though i wish id been like my sister, i am working on "no regrets".

the end. :)

bek bek
41-45, F
Apr 29, 2007