Inner Issues...

Here I am. Soon to be step-mother to two wonderful children a little girl 7 and a boy 9. I adore them with every fiber of my being, and why not? I have been here for them the past 3.5 years. I have taught them the basics of being a self functioning individual -- at least as much as I am allowed to.
See there mother is still a child in her own mind, and as such has skated through many a responsibility -- granted that's where much of my frustration stems. See while she has gotten to enjoy the whole process of having two children with my soon to be husband, I have been busy being smart, safe, and responsible... many things she is not.
Yet, and here's where it gets good. She will be the only one to mother any of my soon to be husbands children... because after two, and a mishap he chose to go the route of a vasectomy. Which kills me, not enough to make me sway from him or the children -- I love them far to much and nothing will change that. Not to mention I am possibly the only fighting chance they have. I find myself struggling more and more though... noticing things. Things the kids say, how they act and sound -- exactly like their mother. Which instantly triggers this chain reaction of things emotionally for me... Things like I will never know what my children would be like? How they would act and sound given the same situation? Then the anger of how not fair it really is... I get that it's something needing discussed with the soon to be; but every time it's brought up it's such an emotional thing for me that it becomes difficult to discuss level headed.
I guess I am just reaching out in hopes for some advice on maybe how to go about the conversation? Without making him feel attacked... Or even better how to calm myself. I don't want to end up causing a rift between myself and the kids. It's not my intent to compete with their Mom, nor hold resentment. I just fear that if I don't do something that's where all this will end up.
I knew going in all that was before me -- but now that I'm 100% in it I find myself with this longing feeling... I want to share that with him. I want to create that.... I mean if someone half the person (and that's proven) as me gets to... Why not I?
Antismarts Antismarts
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 10, 2012

A vasectomy is sometimes reversible. The procedure is more complex and it does not always work, but you should find out about the details and discuss the possibility with your fiance.

If I could run the world the way I wanted, I would be the richest person in the world. But I don't run the world. None of us do. We have to do the best with what we have. At least there are two kids who love you and look up to you does not matter who is their birth mother. Real mother is the one who nurtures you, teaches you whats wrong and right. Giving birth is a nine month contract, Bringing up a child is lifetime employment. Also, have you talked about aritficial insemination ?

I am extremely grateful for that which has been given to me, it's just so hard not to look around and see all the things that others have that I find myself wanting -- and they either don't deserve it, or don't want it... like it's no big thing. Drives me nuts! But I understand I have to look beyond all that, which is what I am trying to do. I love those kids, and I give them the best of me every chance I am able; but it feels like a never ending battle -- we only have them three days a week, so any hold I have is short lived and undone soon as they leave... which only makes the chain reaction that much worse.
I don't know maybe I am a hopeless case -- we have actually talked about that but he claims we would encounter the same issue of it not being "ours" because it would be someone elses material. Unless they go in an surgically take it, which carries a hefty price tag... which is just another reason he feels compelled not to.
I dont know? Don't even know what answers I am looking for, just wish I could trun my brain off & just enjoy what I can get.